Spring Break is fast approaching and that means college students are getting wet with excitement for a week of drinking, banging, smoking and partying. Which will be a huge change of pace from their typical weekends of partying, smoking, banging and drinking. God damn, kids these days know how to do it right.
What’s the big deal about Spring Break, you ask? Well, assuming you’re not some turtleneck wearing twathole you realize that Spring Break means copious amounts of … drinking, banging, smoking and partying. And this…
And now the Top 4 Reasons to go on Spring Break 2013!
ANONYMITY - It’s pronounced “ah-nuh-nim-uh-tee” you fucking neanderthal. Didn’t you learn anything when you got your grade 10? It means NO ONE will know WHO YOU ARE. Sure, you’ll have your crew with you but they won’t hold you back. I mean, you weren’t trying to deepthroat your buddy. Right? Anonymity means when you hit on and FAIL to capture that pussy flag one hundred times in a row, it won’t matter. None of those bitches from your school will see it happen and you’ll still have a million other chicks to try your best pick up line on. So go ahead and try that “Are you tired / Did it hurt /Do you like anal” pick up line. Just remember, there’s a flip side too; which means when you wake up with Chlamydia oozing from your cock you won’t even know which of the 34 chicks it could have been from, much less which shitty Arizona state school she attends. Yeah, I’m looking at you Sun Devils. You make me sick.
Volunteering is overrated – Let me get this straight, you get a week from the tortures of college life and you want to fly to some dirty, impoverished country and build a house for a bunch of bloated belly natives? Wow, cool. I bet you think your virginity is sacred too? Listen, you’ll have plenty of time to hang out with poor people when you graduate and realize your student debt of -$130,000 is going to force you to work an average of 93 hours a week at 4 different Taco Bell’s because you spent 6 years getting a degree in left handed masturbation when you should have gone to community college. But there weren’t any 3somes at community college and there weren’t any SPRING BREAK parties either. So treat yourself to another undeserved week of fun in the sun and go to Mexico this year. Maybe you’ll pick up the language too, which will help when you’re competing with Pablo for a job after you graduate. Can you say “Yo quiero un trabajo”? Bummer, because Pablo can.
BEEEEEEEER – You think you drank a lot leading up to Spring Break? Well, yah, you probably did and that’s why you have a 2.3 GPA even with 2 Art classes. Never mind that, it’s time to do what you were born to do. Or maybe in your case, what your mother did right before you were born. Yuuuuuup, it’s time to DRINK. I’ve read that economic indicators have indicated that statistics estimate approximately every college student on spring break will consume what scientists have called a “fuck load of beer”. And that was the conservative estimate. Spring Break is a time and place where the beer flows like wine even if you don’t go to Aspen. It’s your opportunity to prove everyone wrong and finally complete a 60 Second Keg Stand! Quit acting like the failure your parents know you are and show the world you actually learned something in science class.
Boob Contests – Ask a girl on the street to flash you her titties and you’ll probably get maced or leave with a lacerated scrotum. Tell two chicks on the beach that they should flash their titties because you need to decide who’s are better and you get a fucking booby contest. Maybe it’s the booze, maybe it’s the sun or maybe it’s because despite what they say all woman want to show off their body in front of thousands of men and have them gaze upon their bodies while they eye-fuck the shit out of them. Whatever the reason, a titty contest on Spring Break is as if you took your average wet t-shirt contest, rolled it up in a joint and snowcapped it with cocaine infused steroids. Rrrrrgghhhhhh. It’s just pure blissful mega-erection rage.
Hey if you want to hang out we’ll be down in Panama City Beach handing out condoms and judging the talent.