My thoughts on the new iPhone 5

Possibly the next iPhone.

So I’ve heard some rumors that Apple will release yet another version of the iPhone.  Yeah, you think?  Shit, I’m not known as an Apple fan, nor am I even that good at predictions (every time I watch Titanic I always get it wrong.  Yep, I think I’ll like it).  But even I could have guessed that Apple will release a new iPhone.  It’s called riding the gravy train, baby.  And even though he’s gone, Jobs is still shoveling coal into that big green cash colored locomotive.  I can hear him now “Lookout hipsters, were laying track and running train on your wallets!  Choo Choo!”

I read the article on my Droid, so let me summarize it in a completely unbiased manner.  The next iPhone will boast a microwavable safe Teflon-plutonium hybrid case, a 23 megapixel camera front facing camera for Skyping your titties, a 34 megapixel rear facing camera for some epic penis photos and its screen will be made from pieces of the sun.

Alright, so maybe those were some slight exaggerations, but remember, I was paraphrasing after my evening cocktails.  My point is … what the fuck.  Why are we adding megapixels like spoonfuls of mashed potatoes at Old Country Buffet?  All this pixelating is falsely convincing your average everyday beefwhistle that he is a good photographer.  “Hey look Herman, I just took a photo of a rock.  Since my screen is so clear then this must be an awesome photo.  I mean, it’s just a rock, but it’s so clear.  It moves me.”  Herman, please tell your friend Iver, that no one gives a shit about his picture of a rock.  And no amount of Instagram novelty bullshit is going to make the photo better.  Just make sure he adds his rock to his list of friends when he posts it on Facebook.

And how many times can Apple convince us that the case is different and better?  Let’s be honest, the iPhone is going to be made of the cheapest material that it can get those fast fingered wizards to glue together over at Foxconn.  Liquid metal?  Sounds like what T-1000 was made of.  In other words, it sounds like something that doesn’t exist.  “Hey Florence, check out my phone.  It’s made from Unicorn semen and solid gas.”

Maybe instead of all these superficial bullshit ideas Apple could make some real, substantive alterations that might personalize the phone instead of giving the world a bunch of mass produced dillholes. Take this Siri software that I keep seeing talking to Samuel L. Jackson and trying to teach the poor guy how to make soup.  I think each user should be able to pick Siri’s gender, voice and attitude.  You want a drunk Russian sailor cursing directions at you or some slutty MILF repeating what you’re texting grandma?  No problem, Siri Vlad and Siri Mrs. Jones have you covered.

And I’d like to see those tech masters over in that Apple bunker to come up with some real, helpful changes.  Determine and flag all phone numbers of ex-girlfriends, ex-one night stands, and ex-bar bathroom blowjobs and disable the use of text messaging to them after 1:00 am (8:00 pm Friday or Saturday).  Or, and hear me out; maybe they could write some algorithm that would determine which of those numbers would lead to a higher chance of a successful late night, ill-advised (but super fun) drunk bang party.

Hell, considering the cost of the fucking thing you’d think the battery would get through at least a couple episodes of Mad Men (or a handful of redtube vids). Or borrow the same technology that Timex mastered in the 1800’s and provide some sort of water / beer-proofing for those times your phone ends up in a Solo cup. I mean, there’s nothing worse than you’re phone dying after you win pong but before those freshmen hotties start making out.

iPhone 5, almost as good as the iPhone 6.


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