Monthly Archives: August 2012

Barack Obama on Reddit

Either reading last minute emails or browsing Redtube for some ebony DP.

So I got word that our president, BO, sat down for half an hour today to do an AMA on Reddit this afternoon.  What’s an AMA you ask?  Well, at first I thought it was some sort of sexual abbreviation like, Anal-Mouth-Anal or something like that.  Turns out a) that was NOT what he was doing and b) that would have been more awesome.  No, AMA stands for “Ask Me Anything” which is more or less what happens when you mix a few beers and painkillers.  Doubt me?  Try it.

By the way, why does it look like our POTUS is in some side room broom closet with an IKEA lamp?  Where’s the leather swivel chair, big mahogany desk and for fuck’s sake, the presidential seal?    Also, since when is he left handed?  No way I’m voting for a lefty next term.

Anyway, I’m all for presidential interwebbing and social-political connectivity and other fake words, but what did this stunt accomplish exactly?  Sure, I got to read some political rhetoric while I waited for Mean Girls to download.

Frankly, most of the answers looked like they were prewritten, prerecorded premeditated presidential pre-cum.  Not to mention, might I add, the questions he answered looked like some deliberate soft balls, lobbed in there to give POTUS some easy points.  The dude is El Presidente, the least we could have done was asked some legitimate questions.

Here are some questions others asked that POTUS didn’t answer but I’ve filled in what he would have said:

Q: What’s your favorite flavor of toothpaste?

A: Aquafresh, but only the middle strip.

Q: If you and Joe Biden played 1 on 1, who’d win.

A: I’d f***ing crush him.

Q: Toilet paper, facing out or facing in?

A: I haven’t wiped my own ass for four years.  I hired Clinton to do that for me.

Q: “Star Wars or Star Trek?”

A: It’s rumored that all presidents receive an honorary light saber upon inauguration.  In fact, young G.W. Bush used to borrow his George Sr.’s for party tricks and/or cut up lines of coke.

Seriously, Star Wars. And you f’ing doubted me?

Here’s a summary of the questions and answers as I understood them:

Q: I am a recent law grad, with no job, no future and lots of debt.  How are you going to help me and other broke-ass students?

A: Uhhhhh…. That’s a bummer deal man.

Q: What was your most difficult decisions this term?

A: Whether or not I should let Joe Biden continue  breathing.  That and finally declaring my favorite M&M.  I like the green ones, they make me horny.

Q: What is the first thing you’ll do on Nov 7th, win or lose?

A: Have sex with the new first lady.  I figure being a [ex]president, I could hook that up.

Q: What are you going to do to help small businesses in 2013 and 2014.

A: Small what?  We still have those?

Q: Are you going to increase funding for the space program?

A:  You know, sometimes after a long day I like to come home, roll a spliff and stare up at the stars.  I sit out on the lawn just gazing away, listening to some Pink Floyd and taking it all in; wondering what’s out there.  But when it comes to NASA I usually say puff….puff…paaaassss.

Mars? You got a mars bar bro?

 


News Recap : Pee Wee fatty, 3D meat and Shark Week

This shirt has nothing to do with my article. Except it’s awesome.

What’s up America.  Thought I’d give a recap some news with you.  These are by far, the biggest stories.   Seriously, Iraq could drop the N Bomb all over the world and you’d still be hearing about these things first.  And for the record I was talking about the neutron bomb…

OK, we’ll start it out with the case of the 300 lb kid who isn’t allowed to play Pee Wee Football. Here are the facts.  The kid, Elijah, is 12 years old and weighs 300 lbs and the Pee Wee league has a rule limiting players to be under 135 lbs.  Damn Elijah, looks like you barely missed the cutoff.  Shit.  Maybe you should try P90X and then come back.  Or wait, maybe you should enter the NFL draft and quit crying.

Is this even open to discussion?  No shit he shouldn’t be playing Pee Wee Football.  For starters, it’s called Pee Wee for a reason, and any player whose dick is literally bigger than another player shouldn’t be allowed to compete.  Anyone else remember when they were 12?  I do, I weighed 80 pounds.  No way in hell I’d have played football with Elijah.  Would you let your son get tackled by Brian Urlacher?  No, I didn’t think so; not to mention Urlacher is 40 lbs lighter than Elijah.  On the other hand, Jenny McCarthy’s vagina has been tackled by Brian and she seems to be holding up well (for someone who’s almost 40).  Meanwhile, Elijah’s mom says he is the one coming home crying.  Hey Elijah, man the fuck up.   Clearly your balls haven’t grown as big as your gut.  Suit up, eat that bucket of cheeseburgers and go play with the “big” JV team. 

“Hey Elijah. This is what you’re missing biotch”

 

I came upon an article about some asshole trying to create 3D printed meat.  Apparently, billionaire Peter Thiel feels the environmental impact of raising cattle is far too great and we should switch to 3D meat.  (You may recall that I wrote about 3D foods earlier so I’m basically an expert on the topic). What is with the super wealthy trying to solve the common man’s problem?  It’s like they’re all in a club together and each week they get together to drink malt liquor and play truth or dare.  I can see it now…

Gates : “Hey Branson.  Branson!  Damn you and your beautiful hair. I say dear boy,  I bet you can’t take a shit  on the moon.”

Branson “Did that last week.”

Gates : “Hmph. You’ve bested me again dear chap”  (in my world Gates is British, it’s easier to hate him that way)

Buffet : “I’ve got one.  Let’s print meat and get the peasants to eat it”

Thiel : “You don’t think they’re that stupid do you?”

Gates : “They still use Windows don’t they?”

All : “Hahahah”

Hey rich guys, you worried about cow farts?  How about you feed the cows your money and shut up.  Wanna invent some new 3D printing?  How about reprinting your stacks o’ cash or streamlining those fleshlights.   Tell you what though, if you’ll be willing to print and eat a steak every day then I’ll give it a try.  Just put me in your will before you cut off a piece.  Fucking ridiculous.

Side note : My favorite line in the article was “its short-term goal is to create a slab of meat that’s one inch long.” I guess its long-term goal would to get an average, er, full sized, 5.5 inch slab of meat.

I printed this from a cow’s ass.

 

It’s Shark Week again this week.  Sharks are awesome and all but do we need a week for them, every year?  Or at least do we have to see the same type of stories / footage replayed each year.  I’m saying let’s change it up a bit.  I don’t fucking care about the surfer who had his leg bitten. Boring. I’ve had worse nights drinking with some Russians.  Then again, did the shark bite off his penis?  Then maybe we got a story.  Did a shark try and rape a human?  Maybe it’s not possible but I bet you’d get more viewers.  Hell, I’d DVR that episode.

I think they should make a new segment called Man vs Shark where a dude (I suggest a current inmate) goes all Bear Grylis and dives into a pool with only a snorkel mask and a sharpened toothbrush; fighting against a great white.  3 rounds of 2:00 minutes.  If the man survives he goes free, regardless of his crime.

Shark blowjobs suck. Nothing but teeth.


The Olympics – Minor Observations

This is why I watch the Olympics

So are we enjoying the Olympics everyone?  Getting your fill on Gold medals, heart warming stories and foreigners crowding your TV?  Are you still content watching people do things “once every four years” that you could go watch any day at a circus?  OK OK, I don’t mean to hate, I’m loving the Red White and Blue dominance.  I’m loving my McDonald’s game pieces that are betting on the Olympic athletes while making me fat.  It’s all great.  But there are a few things to discuss:

1)        Swimming i.e. Phelps / Lochte – I started with these two guys because the internet is crawling with shit about them and I figured it might help me show up in a Google search if I wrote about them.

A) Swimming seems cool until you realize we live on land.  At which point you realize it’s a waste of time and wonder why we have so many swimming events.  B)  They are both douche bags but I would be proud to bang either of them. So would you. They’re f***ing Gold Medal Olympians.  C) For Phelps –  You’re not the greatest athlete ever.  You are, I will admit, the most decorated swimmer ever.  For whatever that’s worth.  I suppose  unless Kevin Costner and his evil Waterworld buddies show up again your “skill” is pretty much useless.  At least you haven’t let it go to your head.  D)  For Lochte – Rumor has it that you’re gay.  I may or may not have started that rumor.  E) I propose one more swimming event “Phelps 40 Hands”.  Rules should be pretty obvious.  First one to finish both 40’s wins.  Drowning is automatic DQ.  Peeing in the pool +1 min penalty.

Come on, you know you would. Nobody’s that straight.

2)  Coaching – Alright, I’ve got no problem with coaches.  I understand they play a vital role with training and that kind of shit.  Clearly, every nation’s girls gymnastics team needs an overweight, gold chain wearing coach to rub their backs and “spot” them.  And yes, I call it the girl’s gymnastics team because the average age of all the “women” on the gymnastics teams in the 2012 Summer Olympics is 14.    Anyway, I’m fine with those guys.  I’m just wondering how these guys are getting jobs as head coaches of these new sports like Trampoline.  How exactly do we have veteran coaches for a sport that didn’t exist until 2004?  Again, no offense to the coach, I’m just looking out for the athletes here.

I’ve got an idea for a new trampoline event, one that would actually gauge skill and be fun to watch. I picture it something of a cross between current trampoline and original Mario world.  You still jump and twirl and shit but you make your away around a big circle and other guys dressed up like flying turtles and mushrooms pop up and throw actual fireballs at you.   Could be fun to watch.  Probably painful to lose.  Whatever, it’s not like these athlete’s day jobs at Home Depot is much to look forward to going back to anyway.

Basically every girl’s gymnastic coach

3)        Coverage / Bob Costas  –  Apparently everyone has been giving NBC a hard time for their coverage of the Olympics this year.  I haven’t noticed, but then again I’m only interested in women’s beach volleyball and I got that shit DVR’d ( is that a verb yet?).  But with the door of public animosity open, I’ll take the opportunity to deride them and their own Benjamin Button, Mr. Bob Costas.  Seriously, I did a Google image search and in every single image Costas looks the same age – as if he’s been in his mid-30’s his entire life.  Like he popped out of his mother’s pee-hole as a nearly life-size man holding a microphone and interviewing her vagina on its performance.  Not to mention he is never mad.  Which is just as strange.  You’d think if you spent 40 years in front of the camera there would a video / photo of you losing your shit like O’Reilly.  (For the record Costas is 60 years old).  Whatever, the dude makes billions of dollars, has a hot (ish) wife and talks to every athlete in the world.  Which is strange because he looks like a big NAF.

“Fucking right, Donkey!”

Alright, that’s all I got about these games.  It’s been a pleasure.  I gotta go practice my “Bolting” now.


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