The Olympics – Minor Observations

This is why I watch the Olympics

So are we enjoying the Olympics everyone?  Getting your fill on Gold medals, heart warming stories and foreigners crowding your TV?  Are you still content watching people do things “once every four years” that you could go watch any day at a circus?  OK OK, I don’t mean to hate, I’m loving the Red White and Blue dominance.  I’m loving my McDonald’s game pieces that are betting on the Olympic athletes while making me fat.  It’s all great.  But there are a few things to discuss:

1)        Swimming i.e. Phelps / Lochte – I started with these two guys because the internet is crawling with shit about them and I figured it might help me show up in a Google search if I wrote about them.

A) Swimming seems cool until you realize we live on land.  At which point you realize it’s a waste of time and wonder why we have so many swimming events.  B)  They are both douche bags but I would be proud to bang either of them. So would you. They’re f***ing Gold Medal Olympians.  C) For Phelps –  You’re not the greatest athlete ever.  You are, I will admit, the most decorated swimmer ever.  For whatever that’s worth.  I suppose  unless Kevin Costner and his evil Waterworld buddies show up again your “skill” is pretty much useless.  At least you haven’t let it go to your head.  D)  For Lochte – Rumor has it that you’re gay.  I may or may not have started that rumor.  E) I propose one more swimming event “Phelps 40 Hands”.  Rules should be pretty obvious.  First one to finish both 40’s wins.  Drowning is automatic DQ.  Peeing in the pool +1 min penalty.

Come on, you know you would. Nobody’s that straight.

2)  Coaching – Alright, I’ve got no problem with coaches.  I understand they play a vital role with training and that kind of shit.  Clearly, every nation’s girls gymnastics team needs an overweight, gold chain wearing coach to rub their backs and “spot” them.  And yes, I call it the girl’s gymnastics team because the average age of all the “women” on the gymnastics teams in the 2012 Summer Olympics is 14.    Anyway, I’m fine with those guys.  I’m just wondering how these guys are getting jobs as head coaches of these new sports like Trampoline.  How exactly do we have veteran coaches for a sport that didn’t exist until 2004?  Again, no offense to the coach, I’m just looking out for the athletes here.

I’ve got an idea for a new trampoline event, one that would actually gauge skill and be fun to watch. I picture it something of a cross between current trampoline and original Mario world.  You still jump and twirl and shit but you make your away around a big circle and other guys dressed up like flying turtles and mushrooms pop up and throw actual fireballs at you.   Could be fun to watch.  Probably painful to lose.  Whatever, it’s not like these athlete’s day jobs at Home Depot is much to look forward to going back to anyway.

Basically every girl’s gymnastic coach

3)        Coverage / Bob Costas  –  Apparently everyone has been giving NBC a hard time for their coverage of the Olympics this year.  I haven’t noticed, but then again I’m only interested in women’s beach volleyball and I got that shit DVR’d ( is that a verb yet?).  But with the door of public animosity open, I’ll take the opportunity to deride them and their own Benjamin Button, Mr. Bob Costas.  Seriously, I did a Google image search and in every single image Costas looks the same age – as if he’s been in his mid-30’s his entire life.  Like he popped out of his mother’s pee-hole as a nearly life-size man holding a microphone and interviewing her vagina on its performance.  Not to mention he is never mad.  Which is just as strange.  You’d think if you spent 40 years in front of the camera there would a video / photo of you losing your shit like O’Reilly.  (For the record Costas is 60 years old).  Whatever, the dude makes billions of dollars, has a hot (ish) wife and talks to every athlete in the world.  Which is strange because he looks like a big NAF.

“Fucking right, Donkey!”

Alright, that’s all I got about these games.  It’s been a pleasure.  I gotta go practice my “Bolting” now.


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