Election Night 2012: Party like you’re George W

“Mmmmm, kitty taste good.”

I’ve got election fever.  Voter diarrhea.  Politcal swampass.  Whatever you call it, I’m pumped for election night.  I’m popping Champagne and doing lines like G.W. on a bender at Yale.  Or the White House.  Tonight is bigger than if you took the Super Bowl, a U2 concert and every Harry Potter book and combined them all into one super-PACkacge of Bono-Madden-Hogwarts awesomeness.  It’s the greatest event of year.  NO dobut about it.

Yah, you’re probably thinking “Wait, how can this be better than like, THE OLYMPICS?  That was a showcase of the world.  That was truly spectacular.”  Ummmmm….Fuck the Olympics.  Who wants to watch Michael Phelps and Ryan Lochte jerk each other off in the pool anyway?  Don’t think so. Tonight is all about America, without us having to pretend to care about other countries.

Disclaimer : I would definitely party with Lochte on any night. Phelps can suck it.

Sure, I miss Palin on a night like this, with her can do attitude and intelligence of a moldy turd. I’m not sure Mitt Romney is much of a party animal; definitely nothing like his GOP predecessors.  It’s creepy, but if you hadn’t realized yet Mitt Romney can be rearranged to say Mormeny Tit.  Which pretty much says everything.  Sarah Heath Palin meanwhile can form ‘Ha Ha, Alpine Trash’.

“I blew a pirate for this hat. I’m such a rogue.”

Now they’re saying this election will be tighter than tweens twat, and what are the candidates doing on the last day?  Well, Obama was said to be shooting hoops with some homies back in Chi-town.  Even Scottie Pippen showed up to play, reportedly even picking up the president multiple times so he could ‘dunk like Jordan.’

Romeny, meanwhile was reported at a Ohio Wendy’s,  eating Frosty’s and stealing fries from fatties.  When eating someone’s fries, Mitt was heard saying he wouldn’t “double dip”, which was followed by the woman telling him he can “do anything he wants”.  You don’t have to be Dan Rather to know this woman will be voting for Romney’s greasy Bacanator.

“I am definitely not voting for this fool.”

No matter what the candidates were doing I hope you all finished your beers before you entered the polling booth.

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