Monthly Archives: December 2012

Advice for End of the World

Watch out. It’s coming.

It’s the end of the world.  IT’S THE END OF THE FUCKING WORLD!

Tomorrow.

Shit, I hope we figured out how to clone James Bond by then, because we’re going to need, like, 7 of him to save us. (4 of Sean Connery and 3 of Daniel Craig versions.  Fuck Pierce Brosnan).

But fear not my friends and fellow interwebbers, despite the impending apocalyptic-holocaustic-analprobing-doomsday we’re about encounter, help is not out of reach.  Not yet.  Help is here, here like those last two squares of toilet paper after you just shit out a gallon of baby food – it’s here, it’s just up to you to make the most of it.

And unlike those snake oil selling douche bags  that convinced you buy to generators and canned peas during the year 2000 meltdown, I will not suggest anything nearly as stupid.   Instead I humbly bestow upon you 3 pieces of advice taken straight from the pages of God himself.

1) Download and SAVE some Porn.

The internet will likely be the first thing that spontaneously combusts tomorrow, along with Wall Street and your blender.  And when it happens you don’t want to be one of those assholes who falls to his knees like the prom queen when your 4G evaporates mid-tweet.  Don’t be that guy.  Because if you’re that guy, than you got bigger problems besides telling a world of idiots that your shoelaces remind you of spaghetti.  Like this mother fucker.

Twitter - Search - shoelaces spaghetti

What’s your bigger problem?  Well, not only are you shit outta luck about your tweet feed, now you’re shit outta luck about your twat feed.  That’s why it’s recommended you buy an external hard drive as soon as yesterday, and immediately begin downloading porn. That’s spelled P-O-R-N with a capital Pussy. Lots of it.  Minimum 1 TB.  And don’t stick to just your favorites.  Get weird.  You need to remember that it’s the end of the world and no one knows what will save them or help them feel safe amidst the madness.  Maybe the “you of today” likes to play it safe with your typical blonde lesbians and occasional Bang Bros episode  but the “you post Armageddon” is going to need some of that hot girl-on-zebra and extreme midget orgy shit.  Don’t underestimate the post-tramatic stress that will rage on your dick.  You’ll thank me later.  Of course if you have a girlfriend or some other wiener cushion you could just keep her safe and use, er, love, her in a sexually demanding and aggressive way.  It’s the end of the world afterall.

Like this. Get lots of this.

2)  Food.

Yah, you’ll need to eat. But don’t waste your time stocking up on SPAM, there will be plenty of dead bodies that taste like SPAM if you really want.  You need to fill your shelves with the good shit that they’ll stop making once all the workers evaporate in the flames of the anti-Christ.  Things like Pop-Tarts, ketchup and those seasoning packets inside of Top Ramen.  That’s a fucking Bear Grylls Survivorman breakfast right there.  You think Keebler and his fruity elves are going to survive the impending shitstorm in that tinder box tree fort just to keep making you little pieces of snack heaven?  Don’t count on it champ.   Locate the nearest Super-Duper-Pooper-WalMart immediately and begin purchasing everything in aisles 17 and 23.  And avoid the other patrons. That goes for any trip you make there.

I said Pop-Tarts! Don’t waste your time with Strudels. That kind of shit will get you killed.

3) Buy some condoms.

Look, this might seem silly or even like a pathetic plug for our company but it’s sound advice.  Male or female alike, you’re about to enter the end of the world, it will be a dark and unsavory place filled with similar people.  Money will be worthless and strength and muscle will prevail over brains.  Think a hillbilly with an AK-47 is going to give a damn what that bow tie wearing economist who couldn’t bench press a pickle has to say?  No.  He’ll shoot the economist and rape his wife.  It will be pure anarchy.  All you can hope for is a little common sense in the process.

ENTER THE CONDOMS.

You see, just because there will be volcanoes and other tragic shit happening, doesn’t mean we can’t all remember to wear a rubber.  Just imagine you and your gang of woodland thieves happens upon a domicile infested with large breasted lust mongers?  Well obviously you’re gonna bang.  No sense in risking an STD though.  Last thing you want at the end of the world is an itchy dick.  That would suck.

Think this looks bad? That’s how your dick will feel if you don’t wear a rubber.           Wrap it up bro.

While you’re at it, but yourself a condom subscription.  Get one here.

4 Tips for College Finals 2012

This has nothing to do with studying.

This has nothing to do with studying.  But it should.

It’s that time of year again, the time when mistletoe is hung between the legs, candy cane colored vomit is found all over the dorm bathrooms and semester finals are taken.   It can be quite the academic dilemma, how does one attend the Christmas Kegger and study for that Economics exam?  Shit, you’ve got some serious opportunity costs to consider.  Not to mention that party will probably be a ‘Santa and Sluts’ themed event.  You don’t want to miss that one.  No way.   So what do you do?

No worries, we’ve scoured the web for the best tips to help you maximize your studying so you can make it to the party in time for the EverClear EggNog.

 

Number 1 –  Study in groups with attractive students   There is strong evidence suggesting that the more attractive your study partners are, the more likely you are to show up to the study group.   And since showing up is like, 60% of the work, you’re guaranteed to at least pass.  It’s also possible that studying in groups allows you the opportunity to pick the smartest from the group and sit next to them during the final.   Not to mention when there’s a group someone might bring snacks.

 

Number 2 – Cram   Don’t bother studying for weeks in advance.  That won’t work and you’ll be wasting valuable time you could be testing your new theory on how to properly shot-gun a beer (remember to breath through your nose) and finally beating Halo 4 on Legendary.  Both of those take time, patience and follow through.  But when it comes to studying, practice doesn’t make perfect, heroes can be born overnight.  As long as they have enough coffee, fruit snacks and Adderall. Cramming has mountains of anecdotal evidence of being used by millions of students every year.  Ergo, it must be effective.  Why else would everyone be doing it?

Bonus Tip : If that pill you bought off the kid down the hall has the letters ‘CR’ imprinted on the side then crush it up for a stronger, more effective “study high”.

 

Number 3 – Meet with the teacher  It is highly suggested to go to office hours to talk with your teacher before any exam. Better yet, show up to their home.  This will show them how committed you truly are to their class.  Besides, since their noon class is typically interrupting your sleep, you might as well return the favor with a midnight visit.  When you do visit your teacher, make sure to get a good understanding of their policy on cheating and whether or not they have good vision.

 

Number 4 – Talk to people who have taken the class.  There is always a chance that someone saved a copy of the exam that you can copy and hopefully your teacher is too lazy to make a new copy.  This is more likely for 2nd semester courses since the professors are just repeating the same bullshit from the first semester.  If you find someone who took the class and has a copy of the test but won’t give it to you consider exchanging sexual favors or physical intimidation.  Hats off to those that combine the two.

 

That’s it, those are your college finals study tips for 2012.  Best of luck!   Oh, and if you believe in the end of world bullshit happening in December than forget what I said and immediately begin drinking Rumplemintz and watching Christmas Vacation.

And stay tuned for our article on Tips for cheating on College Finals.


How to Save Money in College : Part 1

Students, teachers, faculty (no, not The Faculty) and mascots.  Welcome to Part 1 of of 30 part series entitled “How To Save Money in College … so I can spend it on scented candles, cocaine and other cool shit”

Here I will provide you with my hazy memories and limited wisdom on how to save your cash in college to ultimately spend your cash on something else.  Today’s pearl of wisdom comes straight from my own experiences at college and I’m telling you NOT TO BUY YOUR COLLEGE TEXTBOOKS.

Anyone can read a book.  Anyone.

Anyone can read a book. Anyone.

No 1. Don’t buy the college textbooks – Not only are college textbooks boring, heavy to carry and full of big words, they’re also expensive.  Your college thinks you won’t notice but even Club 420 members are going to notice a $143 price tag on that Anatomy 101.  Who the hell needs a book on anatomy anyway?  Didn’t we all learn that little girls are made of sugar and spice and little boys are made of puppy dog tails?  Which, come to think of it, doesn’t make sense, because last time I ate a girl I clearly don’t remember any sugar.  Plenty of spice though.   Hell, maybe you should get that Anatomy 101 book. JUST DON’T BUY IT.  

Here’s what you do.

MOST colleges are required to have their library stock at least 1 copy of every book that any class offers.  So after you attend classes the first week and get your list of “required books” (don’t worry, you never need your book the first week), get the book list and then head over to the library. You can either photocopy everything for a fraction of the cost (or for free if you get a job at the library) or just keep the book all semester.  Your overdue fees will be less than the book.

Or take the book and hide it in some secret place in the library and come back to it whenever you need.  Then there’s no overdue fines or photocopy fees.

That’s today’s tip.  And speaking of tips, make sure to wrap yours when having sex.  There’s no better way to protect your wiener from the Clap or her vagina from Babies than with a rubber.  And there’s no better way to buy them than with a condom subscription from My MonthlyRubbers.  It’s Easy, Fast and very, very f***ing CHEAP.


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