Top 4 New Year’s Resolutions FAIL

It’s the New Year and we all know what that means, hopelessly lying to ourselves about false promises for things we can’t accomplish.  That’s right, it’s time for everyone to make more bullshit New Years Resolutions.  Why do we seem so intent on lying to ourselves at the beginning of every year only to fall flat on our faces by mid-February?  I’m not sure, but I think it’s because most of you are weak, pathetic and poor.

Your chance for success without my help.

Below is a list of the Top 4 most proclaimed resolutions that people fail to achieve.  I’m here to help you though, by providing you viable alternatives; consider it your classic red pill / blue pill situation.  Except you’re not Keanu Reeves.  You’re just some loser who can’t…

1) Quit Smoking.  Holy shit, have you ever had a cigarette?  Those little bastards are fucking delicious, there is no way you want to give those up.  Smoking is almost as good as having sex.  In fact, experiments have proven that masturbating while chain smoking is actually more awesome than going balls deep.   I’m no scientist, but how do you think you’re going to be able to give up something like that?  Nah, you’re going to need cigarettes when you try and

This guy smokes AND he’s president. You can too.

Quit doing meth.  Sure, you don’t do it yet; but lucky for you, meth is easy to get into.  So, get addicted to that shit and then quit.  You’ll look like a superhero, well, a superhero with scratch marks on your face.  But you’ll be successful.  The thing is, you’re going to need cigarettes to help you quit meth though, you’ll want to lean hard on something and booze and nicotine will probably help ween you off that crank habit.  And once you stop smoking the White Crunch you’ll probably think you can…

2) Spend less time on Facebook/Twitter/Social Media.  No, please, no.  Don’t stop.  God forbid you come out of your fucking earplug-smartphone-dungeon of anti-social solitude and fucking interact with other people.  I mean shit, I’ve read your tweets and I’m definitely sure I don’t want to actually hear your voice, lest you say anything that resembles that split-pea shit soup that you post 100 times a day. Every single day.  Besides, then I’d miss all those pics of you kissing your dog. And quite frankly, those are hot. I usually pretend that the dog is me and that you’re a different dog.  It’s weird.  It’s hot.  Instead, why don’t you

Twit faves

Use some more tongue next time. Please.

Get a job.  Go work at Pinkberry, Orange Leaf or Brown Hole, or somewhere equally mind blowing.  At least there you can chat with your fellow tweens and other vexatious v-holes in person and you can quit using up all the space on the interweb so that some of us can download songs and stuff, at faster speeds.  This way you can be on the cutting edge technology of what candy bar goes best with mango-guava-froyo and giggle about it while you and your coworkers get hard talking about Bieber and his latest single “My boyfriend had my Baby”.  Besides a job might even help you…

3) Get out of debt.  Dude, you just borrowed $120,000 to “go to college”, which means somehow you spent $120,000 worth of PBR tallboys, lap dances and dub sacks of Purple Haze.  You’re a fucking train wreck with a Bachelor’s degree in Fine Arts who couldn’t save a roll of nickles if they were taped inside your anus.  And now you think you’re going to click your heels together and Obama is going to wave a wand and wipe away your debt?   Good luck, that guy isn’t even an American citizen.  It’s all laughable, almost as laughable as the fact that you went to a public school.   I hope those sluts were worth it.  Why don’t you set your sights a little lower and

Biggest mistake this guy made is on his finger.

Get rid of your credit cards.  Sure, this isn’t going to cure cancer but it will help stop the bleeding.  Besides, everything fun and essential can be bought with cash.  Need some gummy worms and ice cream for those munchies?  Buy them with cash at the 711.  Need to pick up an 8 ball of blow?  Pay your dealer with cash.  Think about what credit cards do for you!  They get you into trouble; overcharging, maxing out, taking out new cards and overextending yourself, etc.  Now think what cash does for you.  You can bribe someone in any country without even speaking the language.  Cash is virtually untraceable, accepted by the sex industry and recognized world wide.  Cash is king, baby.  You might still be filing for bankruptcy but the IRS won’t know how much you got under your mattress.  All that stuffing might be exhausting but you still need to…

4) Go on a Diet.  Oh please, really?  You’ve been fat for 35 years and you think now you’re going to lose that gut?  Unlikely.  In fact, I’d be willing to bet right now you’re either eating a jelly donut or touching yourself while you read this.  I’m doing both and it’s wrecking havoc on my typing skills.  Jelly is everywhere.   Anyway, I’m willing to bet that Santa brought you some lame Apple iPud fuel band this year instead of a healthy dose of willpower; you know, that little something you need to actually do something besides download apps telling you how many hours you jerked your wrist and sat on your ass.  My record is 14 consecutive hours.  (Didn’t lose a single pound, lost a couple ounces though).   Well news flash, there is no app that will turn your ginormous ass into something anyone wants to crawl into.  No, that will take exercise and dedication and a bunch of other shit you can’t do and can’t buy and won’t find in the bottom of that box of Frosted Cocoa Mini Dongs you just finished.  So don’t bother setting yourself up for failure, instead ..

Might I suggest a ‘final solution’?

Kill yourself.  Honestly, I’m running out of things that you will achieve.  This one is a very measurable, easy to accomplish, solution. It’s also very permanent.  Frankly though, how long do you really want to be fat?


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