Category Archives: awesome ideas

Advice for End of the World

Watch out. It’s coming.

It’s the end of the world.  IT’S THE END OF THE FUCKING WORLD!

Tomorrow.

Shit, I hope we figured out how to clone James Bond by then, because we’re going to need, like, 7 of him to save us. (4 of Sean Connery and 3 of Daniel Craig versions.  Fuck Pierce Brosnan).

But fear not my friends and fellow interwebbers, despite the impending apocalyptic-holocaustic-analprobing-doomsday we’re about encounter, help is not out of reach.  Not yet.  Help is here, here like those last two squares of toilet paper after you just shit out a gallon of baby food – it’s here, it’s just up to you to make the most of it.

And unlike those snake oil selling douche bags  that convinced you buy to generators and canned peas during the year 2000 meltdown, I will not suggest anything nearly as stupid.   Instead I humbly bestow upon you 3 pieces of advice taken straight from the pages of God himself.

1) Download and SAVE some Porn.

The internet will likely be the first thing that spontaneously combusts tomorrow, along with Wall Street and your blender.  And when it happens you don’t want to be one of those assholes who falls to his knees like the prom queen when your 4G evaporates mid-tweet.  Don’t be that guy.  Because if you’re that guy, than you got bigger problems besides telling a world of idiots that your shoelaces remind you of spaghetti.  Like this mother fucker.

Twitter - Search - shoelaces spaghetti

What’s your bigger problem?  Well, not only are you shit outta luck about your tweet feed, now you’re shit outta luck about your twat feed.  That’s why it’s recommended you buy an external hard drive as soon as yesterday, and immediately begin downloading porn. That’s spelled P-O-R-N with a capital Pussy. Lots of it.  Minimum 1 TB.  And don’t stick to just your favorites.  Get weird.  You need to remember that it’s the end of the world and no one knows what will save them or help them feel safe amidst the madness.  Maybe the “you of today” likes to play it safe with your typical blonde lesbians and occasional Bang Bros episode  but the “you post Armageddon” is going to need some of that hot girl-on-zebra and extreme midget orgy shit.  Don’t underestimate the post-tramatic stress that will rage on your dick.  You’ll thank me later.  Of course if you have a girlfriend or some other wiener cushion you could just keep her safe and use, er, love, her in a sexually demanding and aggressive way.  It’s the end of the world afterall.

Like this. Get lots of this.

2)  Food.

Yah, you’ll need to eat. But don’t waste your time stocking up on SPAM, there will be plenty of dead bodies that taste like SPAM if you really want.  You need to fill your shelves with the good shit that they’ll stop making once all the workers evaporate in the flames of the anti-Christ.  Things like Pop-Tarts, ketchup and those seasoning packets inside of Top Ramen.  That’s a fucking Bear Grylls Survivorman breakfast right there.  You think Keebler and his fruity elves are going to survive the impending shitstorm in that tinder box tree fort just to keep making you little pieces of snack heaven?  Don’t count on it champ.   Locate the nearest Super-Duper-Pooper-WalMart immediately and begin purchasing everything in aisles 17 and 23.  And avoid the other patrons. That goes for any trip you make there.

I said Pop-Tarts! Don’t waste your time with Strudels. That kind of shit will get you killed.

3) Buy some condoms.

Look, this might seem silly or even like a pathetic plug for our company but it’s sound advice.  Male or female alike, you’re about to enter the end of the world, it will be a dark and unsavory place filled with similar people.  Money will be worthless and strength and muscle will prevail over brains.  Think a hillbilly with an AK-47 is going to give a damn what that bow tie wearing economist who couldn’t bench press a pickle has to say?  No.  He’ll shoot the economist and rape his wife.  It will be pure anarchy.  All you can hope for is a little common sense in the process.

ENTER THE CONDOMS.

You see, just because there will be volcanoes and other tragic shit happening, doesn’t mean we can’t all remember to wear a rubber.  Just imagine you and your gang of woodland thieves happens upon a domicile infested with large breasted lust mongers?  Well obviously you’re gonna bang.  No sense in risking an STD though.  Last thing you want at the end of the world is an itchy dick.  That would suck.

Think this looks bad? That’s how your dick will feel if you don’t wear a rubber.           Wrap it up bro.

While you’re at it, but yourself a condom subscription.  Get one here.
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How to Save Money in College : Part 1

Students, teachers, faculty (no, not The Faculty) and mascots.  Welcome to Part 1 of of 30 part series entitled “How To Save Money in College … so I can spend it on scented candles, cocaine and other cool shit”

Here I will provide you with my hazy memories and limited wisdom on how to save your cash in college to ultimately spend your cash on something else.  Today’s pearl of wisdom comes straight from my own experiences at college and I’m telling you NOT TO BUY YOUR COLLEGE TEXTBOOKS.

Anyone can read a book.  Anyone.

Anyone can read a book. Anyone.

No 1. Don’t buy the college textbooks – Not only are college textbooks boring, heavy to carry and full of big words, they’re also expensive.  Your college thinks you won’t notice but even Club 420 members are going to notice a $143 price tag on that Anatomy 101.  Who the hell needs a book on anatomy anyway?  Didn’t we all learn that little girls are made of sugar and spice and little boys are made of puppy dog tails?  Which, come to think of it, doesn’t make sense, because last time I ate a girl I clearly don’t remember any sugar.  Plenty of spice though.   Hell, maybe you should get that Anatomy 101 book. JUST DON’T BUY IT.  

Here’s what you do.

MOST colleges are required to have their library stock at least 1 copy of every book that any class offers.  So after you attend classes the first week and get your list of “required books” (don’t worry, you never need your book the first week), get the book list and then head over to the library. You can either photocopy everything for a fraction of the cost (or for free if you get a job at the library) or just keep the book all semester.  Your overdue fees will be less than the book.

Or take the book and hide it in some secret place in the library and come back to it whenever you need.  Then there’s no overdue fines or photocopy fees.

That’s today’s tip.  And speaking of tips, make sure to wrap yours when having sex.  There’s no better way to protect your wiener from the Clap or her vagina from Babies than with a rubber.  And there’s no better way to buy them than with a condom subscription from My MonthlyRubbers.  It’s Easy, Fast and very, very f***ing CHEAP.


Top 5 Christmas Gift Ideas for Men (dirty)

“It doesn’t sound like a blowjob”

Ladies, there are a bunch of stupid lists out there of ideas to give your MAN for Christmas.  I’ve read them all and they’re all pretty much dog shit.  Does anyone need another bottle opener?  A fucking scarf?  Oh, it’s a custom bottle opening scarf?  Well in that case, I’ll take one.  Choke me with it please.  Holy bleeding anus those are bad.  If I get any of those I’m going to blow my brains out, but not before I beat your children.  Too far?  Alright, I won’t shoot myself.

This list is NON-bull shit.  It’s real.  Read it and get shopping.

1)  Plastic Surgery – No, not for him.  Your man is probably perfect, since that’s how men are.  This would be for you.  Go get your titties bigger or your gut shrunk or your FUPA removed.  Do it, do it fast.  If you get it done now the swelling should go down by Christmas.

2)  A sandwich – I know this sounds simple and easy and small and that’s the point.  If it’s so simple, and easy and small then give this gift EVERY DAY.  What’s that saying…”a sammy a day keeps the fists at bay”?

3)  A blowjob – You don’t have to buy it or wrap it or anything.  Just BAM!  Christmas morning put your mouth where your face is and talk to the cock.  If you already go down on your man regularly consider getting him a blowjob from someone else.  Like your hot friend.

4) Tickets to Vegas – What man doesn’t want to go to Sin City where he can blow  his money on chicks, his mind on blow, and his wad on both.  Hell yeah! Vegas Baby!  Just make sure your name isn’t on the second ticket.  Buzz kill.

5) A monthly condom subscription – Listen, we know your man is getting laid every month, whether or not it’s with you is none of our business.  So why not give a little so he can come a lot.   And just to make him feel better, buy the MAGNUMS.

I guarantee there is at least one thing on this list that EVERY MAN WANTS.

Buy your condom subscription today!!
Get one at http://mymonthlyrubbers.com

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