Category Archives: College

Why go on Spring Break 2013?

Spring Break is fast approaching and that means college students are getting wet with excitement for a week of drinking, banging, smoking and partying.  Which will be a huge change of pace from their typical weekends of partying, smoking, banging and drinking. God damn, kids these days know how to do it right.

What’s the big deal about Spring Break, you ask?  Well, assuming you’re not some turtleneck wearing twathole you realize that Spring Break means copious amounts of … drinking, banging, smoking and partying.  And this…

This pretty much sums it all up.

This pretty much sums it all up.

And now the Top 4 Reasons to go on Spring Break 2013!

 ANONYMITY – It’s pronounced “ah-nuh-nim-uh-tee” you fucking neanderthal.  Didn’t you learn anything when you got your grade 10?  It means NO ONE will know WHO YOU ARE.   Sure, you’ll have your crew with you but they won’t hold you back.  I mean, you weren’t trying to deepthroat your buddy.  Right?  Anonymity means when you  hit on and FAIL to capture that pussy flag one hundred times in a row, it won’t matter.  None of those bitches from your school will see it happen and you’ll still have a million other chicks to try your best pick up line on.  So go ahead and try that “Are you tired / Did it hurt /Do you like anal” pick up line.  Just remember, there’s a flip side too; which means when you wake up with Chlamydia oozing from your cock you won’t even know which of the 34 chicks it could have been from, much less which shitty Arizona state school she attends. Yeah, I’m looking at you Sun Devils.  You make me sick.

anonymity

“Hi, my name is my fingers are inside you”

Volunteering is overrated – Let me get this straight, you get a week from the tortures of college life and you want to fly to some dirty, impoverished country and build a house for a bunch of bloated belly natives?  Wow, cool.  I bet you think your virginity is sacred too?  Listen, you’ll have plenty of time to hang out with poor people when you graduate and realize your student debt of -$130,000 is going to force you to work an average of 93 hours a week at 4 different Taco Bell’s because you spent 6 years getting a degree in left handed masturbation when you should have gone to community college.  But there weren’t any 3somes at community college and there weren’t any SPRING BREAK parties either.  So treat yourself to another undeserved week of fun in the sun and go to Mexico this year.  Maybe you’ll pick up the language too, which will help when you’re competing with Pablo for a job after you graduate.  Can you say “Yo quiero un trabajo”?  Bummer, because Pablo can.

volunteer

“Who still has their virginity?”

BEEEEEEEER – You think you drank a lot leading up to Spring Break?  Well, yah, you probably did and that’s why you have a 2.3 GPA even with 2 Art classes.  Never mind that, it’s time to do what you were born to do.  Or maybe in your case, what your mother did right before you were born.  Yuuuuuup, it’s time to DRINK.  I’ve read that economic indicators have indicated that statistics estimate approximately every college student on spring break will consume what scientists have called a “fuck load of beer”. And that was the conservative estimate.  Spring Break is a time and place where the beer flows like wine even if you don’t go to Aspen. It’s your opportunity to prove everyone wrong and finally complete a 60 Second Keg Stand! Quit acting like the failure your parents know you are and show the world you actually learned something in science class.

Science class finally pays off.

“Look Mom, no hands”

Boob Contests – Ask a girl on the street to flash you her titties and you’ll probably get maced or leave with a lacerated scrotum.  Tell two chicks on the beach that they should flash their titties because you need to decide who’s are better and you get a fucking booby contest.  Maybe it’s the booze, maybe it’s the sun or maybe it’s because despite what they say all woman want to show off their body in front of thousands of men and have them gaze upon their bodies while they eye-fuck the shit out of them.  Whatever the reason, a titty contest on Spring Break is as if you took your average wet t-shirt contest, rolled it up in a joint and snowcapped it with cocaine infused steroids.    Rrrrrgghhhhhh.  It’s just pure blissful mega-erection rage.

contests

“Hey, quit staring at me creep”

Hey if you want to hang out we’ll be down in Panama City Beach handing out condoms and judging the talent.


4 Tips for College Finals 2012

This has nothing to do with studying.

This has nothing to do with studying.  But it should.

It’s that time of year again, the time when mistletoe is hung between the legs, candy cane colored vomit is found all over the dorm bathrooms and semester finals are taken.   It can be quite the academic dilemma, how does one attend the Christmas Kegger and study for that Economics exam?  Shit, you’ve got some serious opportunity costs to consider.  Not to mention that party will probably be a ‘Santa and Sluts’ themed event.  You don’t want to miss that one.  No way.   So what do you do?

No worries, we’ve scoured the web for the best tips to help you maximize your studying so you can make it to the party in time for the EverClear EggNog.

 

Number 1 –  Study in groups with attractive students   There is strong evidence suggesting that the more attractive your study partners are, the more likely you are to show up to the study group.   And since showing up is like, 60% of the work, you’re guaranteed to at least pass.  It’s also possible that studying in groups allows you the opportunity to pick the smartest from the group and sit next to them during the final.   Not to mention when there’s a group someone might bring snacks.

 

Number 2 – Cram   Don’t bother studying for weeks in advance.  That won’t work and you’ll be wasting valuable time you could be testing your new theory on how to properly shot-gun a beer (remember to breath through your nose) and finally beating Halo 4 on Legendary.  Both of those take time, patience and follow through.  But when it comes to studying, practice doesn’t make perfect, heroes can be born overnight.  As long as they have enough coffee, fruit snacks and Adderall. Cramming has mountains of anecdotal evidence of being used by millions of students every year.  Ergo, it must be effective.  Why else would everyone be doing it?

Bonus Tip : If that pill you bought off the kid down the hall has the letters ‘CR’ imprinted on the side then crush it up for a stronger, more effective “study high”.

 

Number 3 – Meet with the teacher  It is highly suggested to go to office hours to talk with your teacher before any exam. Better yet, show up to their home.  This will show them how committed you truly are to their class.  Besides, since their noon class is typically interrupting your sleep, you might as well return the favor with a midnight visit.  When you do visit your teacher, make sure to get a good understanding of their policy on cheating and whether or not they have good vision.

 

Number 4 – Talk to people who have taken the class.  There is always a chance that someone saved a copy of the exam that you can copy and hopefully your teacher is too lazy to make a new copy.  This is more likely for 2nd semester courses since the professors are just repeating the same bullshit from the first semester.  If you find someone who took the class and has a copy of the test but won’t give it to you consider exchanging sexual favors or physical intimidation.  Hats off to those that combine the two.

 

That’s it, those are your college finals study tips for 2012.  Best of luck!   Oh, and if you believe in the end of world bullshit happening in December than forget what I said and immediately begin drinking Rumplemintz and watching Christmas Vacation.

And stay tuned for our article on Tips for cheating on College Finals.


How to Save Money in College : Part 1

Students, teachers, faculty (no, not The Faculty) and mascots.  Welcome to Part 1 of of 30 part series entitled “How To Save Money in College … so I can spend it on scented candles, cocaine and other cool shit”

Here I will provide you with my hazy memories and limited wisdom on how to save your cash in college to ultimately spend your cash on something else.  Today’s pearl of wisdom comes straight from my own experiences at college and I’m telling you NOT TO BUY YOUR COLLEGE TEXTBOOKS.

Anyone can read a book.  Anyone.

Anyone can read a book. Anyone.

No 1. Don’t buy the college textbooks – Not only are college textbooks boring, heavy to carry and full of big words, they’re also expensive.  Your college thinks you won’t notice but even Club 420 members are going to notice a $143 price tag on that Anatomy 101.  Who the hell needs a book on anatomy anyway?  Didn’t we all learn that little girls are made of sugar and spice and little boys are made of puppy dog tails?  Which, come to think of it, doesn’t make sense, because last time I ate a girl I clearly don’t remember any sugar.  Plenty of spice though.   Hell, maybe you should get that Anatomy 101 book. JUST DON’T BUY IT.  

Here’s what you do.

MOST colleges are required to have their library stock at least 1 copy of every book that any class offers.  So after you attend classes the first week and get your list of “required books” (don’t worry, you never need your book the first week), get the book list and then head over to the library. You can either photocopy everything for a fraction of the cost (or for free if you get a job at the library) or just keep the book all semester.  Your overdue fees will be less than the book.

Or take the book and hide it in some secret place in the library and come back to it whenever you need.  Then there’s no overdue fines or photocopy fees.

That’s today’s tip.  And speaking of tips, make sure to wrap yours when having sex.  There’s no better way to protect your wiener from the Clap or her vagina from Babies than with a rubber.  And there’s no better way to buy them than with a condom subscription from My MonthlyRubbers.  It’s Easy, Fast and very, very f***ing CHEAP.


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