Category Archives: news

The Pill : Sell it like condoms?

I just read an article discussing the merits of allowing female birth control to be sold over the counter like condoms.  Apparently, the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, or what I like to call, The School of Muff, just declared their support for this to go into effect.

Now, although the college laid out what it believes to be rational reasoning, we have taken it upon ourselves to play Devil’s Advocate and provide possible pitfalls, however unlikely they are.

birth control – gobble ’em up!

1) Addiction –  We’ve seen it before; if you can pop it, snort it, or swallow it, then someone is going to abuse it.  I don’t care if it gets you high or not, people are Class A Shitheads when it comes to trying to abuse drugs.    Think I’m kidding?  Remember your classmates who snorted Pixie Stix?  Yeah, those boners will be the ones crushing up a month’s worth of baby-blockers and heating up in a spoon.

2) Men will be asked to buy it – Once something becomes Over The Counter it falls prey to the possibility that some girlfriend is going to ask her man to “just pick it up while he’s at the store”.  Sounds harmless enough, but this will end in tragedy.   All too often men get distracted looking at power tools and the cashiers’ tits only to grab the wrong product, returning home with medical gauze and a box of Tic Tacs instead of vagina pads and The Pill.

3)  Bureaucrats  – We don’t have specific numbers for you, but we expect getting this approved by the FDA will involve someone having to “go down on” some bureaucrats to get this passed.  And having gotten a glimpse of the candidates this past election, we’re pretty sure that’s something we should all try to avoid.

If you need birth control and you want to STOP BABIES and AVOID STD’s then use a rubber.  And there is no better way than with a condom subscription.

Join the club and protect your chub!   http://mymonthlyrubbers.com
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Measure B; good for business, bad for cum-shot lovers

Before I get started I want you all to know the hardest part writing this was deciding if cum shot is one word, two words or needed a hyphen.  I made the mistake of trying to Google it.  No clear answer, although I did get a hard on.  Shit, is that one word?? Hardon?  As in james hardon.  Yah, my boner plays for the Rockets.  And it dunks.

Anyway…

So the polls are closed, the voting is over, the dust has settled and I’m late to the feeding trough.  Fuck it.  The constitution says I can say what I want even if I’m late.  And I want to talk about California and Measure B.  And while we’re on the topic of the Constituion, quite frankly I think this new initiative infringes on our 69th Ammendment : The Right to Free Nut Busting.  And by the way, California, if you want to make a new law, how about considering one that prohibits Schwarzenegger from making any more movies.   Or just elect him for another term, that would be as entertaining as Expendables 2.

So this Measure B could have big implications for masturbation WORLDWIDE.  I mean, if this really is as bad as they make it sound, then the $89 bazillion trillion porn industry might suddenly collapse, leaving most Masturbation Expert Natives (MEN) hazardously sporting raging boners without any suitable porn to watch since the sex studios all went out of business.  And now with these raging boners and nothing to satisfy them, these  MEN won’t be able to focus at work and they’ll get fired pushing the economy down into the anus of Satan and eventually everyone will be unemployed and, and and…Fuck.

That sounds bad; bad like Lindasy Lohan finding an 8-ball under her drivers seat and not pulling over first to snort it.  But that is probably unlikely.  Unless you’ve read all these articles on Measure B (which I haven’t) and you actually believe this will impact you.  Let’s be honest, if you read any news, then you’re probably looking at free porn to begin with and you won’t notice that you no longer are getting your 2.32 minute long “facial compilations” in your Redtube stream anymore, you’re too busy checking for the latest Naughty MILF of the week.

And let me remind you, should Measure B actually materialize into something real (i.e. enforcable) than My Monthly Rubbers could stand to make billions.  Just think of all those sticky ropes we could be netting with our rubbers if we signed a contract with Peter North or someone else with a bunch of jizz who normally blasts faces like fucking Hurricane Sandy.   We’d be so rich.  Alas, we aren’t.  We need you to subscribe.  Please?

Measure B : It could mean digging out our old ‘spank bank’.


Mitt Romney, Barbra Streisand and the McRib

 

Love me some Romney pics.

There is always plenty political fodder to talk about and I’d like to open with the remark of Mitt Romney in which he stated if he was a Mexican he’d have a better chance of winning the presidency.  Frankly, I’m loving that El Romney wants to reunite with his Mexican heritage, even if that heritage just refers to when his ancestors fled America so they could have a Mormon gangbang down in Tiajuana like some spring break co-eds.  Whatever.  No pasa nada.   I mean, even though Los Romneys are dying to storm the gates of Casa Blanca, all of a sudden all I’m wondering is if they’ve got a secret family recipe for some killer salsa.  Ay Carumba!

Forget Paul Ryan, he should have picked Jose Cuervo.

Meanwhile Hollywood chimed in, as one of my favorite [deepthroat] singers and quite possibly the most beautiful women to ever marry James Brolin, Barbra Streisand spoke out about the upcoming elections.  I was shocked, not only to read that Streisand is still alive, but also to know she has some ‘political opinions’ that apparently matter to the general public.   While I didn’t actually read her article, I took note that there were 890 that ‘Liked’ it on Facebook which leads me to assume they, like myself, had this in mind when they clicked it.

Streisand. So hot in the 1960’s.

And finally, to the great dismay of trailer parks across the nation,  there are news reports that the McRib will be delaying its 2012 appearance this year.   Like the birth of the baby Jesus, the holy McRib has postponed until the end of December, making it a perfect last minute gift idea for that person on your list who seems to have everything; everything except explosive diarrhea. This comes as a change from the original planned offering to take place in mid-October which would have made for some great Halloween activities like: “McRibbing” the neighbors trees, playing our favorite “bobbing for McRibs” and of course getting hammered and actually trying to eat one.

McRib; more real than God himself.


Barack Obama on Reddit

Either reading last minute emails or browsing Redtube for some ebony DP.

So I got word that our president, BO, sat down for half an hour today to do an AMA on Reddit this afternoon.  What’s an AMA you ask?  Well, at first I thought it was some sort of sexual abbreviation like, Anal-Mouth-Anal or something like that.  Turns out a) that was NOT what he was doing and b) that would have been more awesome.  No, AMA stands for “Ask Me Anything” which is more or less what happens when you mix a few beers and painkillers.  Doubt me?  Try it.

By the way, why does it look like our POTUS is in some side room broom closet with an IKEA lamp?  Where’s the leather swivel chair, big mahogany desk and for fuck’s sake, the presidential seal?    Also, since when is he left handed?  No way I’m voting for a lefty next term.

Anyway, I’m all for presidential interwebbing and social-political connectivity and other fake words, but what did this stunt accomplish exactly?  Sure, I got to read some political rhetoric while I waited for Mean Girls to download.

Frankly, most of the answers looked like they were prewritten, prerecorded premeditated presidential pre-cum.  Not to mention, might I add, the questions he answered looked like some deliberate soft balls, lobbed in there to give POTUS some easy points.  The dude is El Presidente, the least we could have done was asked some legitimate questions.

Here are some questions others asked that POTUS didn’t answer but I’ve filled in what he would have said:

Q: What’s your favorite flavor of toothpaste?

A: Aquafresh, but only the middle strip.

Q: If you and Joe Biden played 1 on 1, who’d win.

A: I’d f***ing crush him.

Q: Toilet paper, facing out or facing in?

A: I haven’t wiped my own ass for four years.  I hired Clinton to do that for me.

Q: “Star Wars or Star Trek?”

A: It’s rumored that all presidents receive an honorary light saber upon inauguration.  In fact, young G.W. Bush used to borrow his George Sr.’s for party tricks and/or cut up lines of coke.

Seriously, Star Wars. And you f’ing doubted me?

Here’s a summary of the questions and answers as I understood them:

Q: I am a recent law grad, with no job, no future and lots of debt.  How are you going to help me and other broke-ass students?

A: Uhhhhh…. That’s a bummer deal man.

Q: What was your most difficult decisions this term?

A: Whether or not I should let Joe Biden continue  breathing.  That and finally declaring my favorite M&M.  I like the green ones, they make me horny.

Q: What is the first thing you’ll do on Nov 7th, win or lose?

A: Have sex with the new first lady.  I figure being a [ex]president, I could hook that up.

Q: What are you going to do to help small businesses in 2013 and 2014.

A: Small what?  We still have those?

Q: Are you going to increase funding for the space program?

A:  You know, sometimes after a long day I like to come home, roll a spliff and stare up at the stars.  I sit out on the lawn just gazing away, listening to some Pink Floyd and taking it all in; wondering what’s out there.  But when it comes to NASA I usually say puff….puff…paaaassss.

Mars? You got a mars bar bro?

 


News Recap : Pee Wee fatty, 3D meat and Shark Week

This shirt has nothing to do with my article. Except it’s awesome.

What’s up America.  Thought I’d give a recap some news with you.  These are by far, the biggest stories.   Seriously, Iraq could drop the N Bomb all over the world and you’d still be hearing about these things first.  And for the record I was talking about the neutron bomb…

OK, we’ll start it out with the case of the 300 lb kid who isn’t allowed to play Pee Wee Football. Here are the facts.  The kid, Elijah, is 12 years old and weighs 300 lbs and the Pee Wee league has a rule limiting players to be under 135 lbs.  Damn Elijah, looks like you barely missed the cutoff.  Shit.  Maybe you should try P90X and then come back.  Or wait, maybe you should enter the NFL draft and quit crying.

Is this even open to discussion?  No shit he shouldn’t be playing Pee Wee Football.  For starters, it’s called Pee Wee for a reason, and any player whose dick is literally bigger than another player shouldn’t be allowed to compete.  Anyone else remember when they were 12?  I do, I weighed 80 pounds.  No way in hell I’d have played football with Elijah.  Would you let your son get tackled by Brian Urlacher?  No, I didn’t think so; not to mention Urlacher is 40 lbs lighter than Elijah.  On the other hand, Jenny McCarthy’s vagina has been tackled by Brian and she seems to be holding up well (for someone who’s almost 40).  Meanwhile, Elijah’s mom says he is the one coming home crying.  Hey Elijah, man the fuck up.   Clearly your balls haven’t grown as big as your gut.  Suit up, eat that bucket of cheeseburgers and go play with the “big” JV team. 

“Hey Elijah. This is what you’re missing biotch”

 

I came upon an article about some asshole trying to create 3D printed meat.  Apparently, billionaire Peter Thiel feels the environmental impact of raising cattle is far too great and we should switch to 3D meat.  (You may recall that I wrote about 3D foods earlier so I’m basically an expert on the topic). What is with the super wealthy trying to solve the common man’s problem?  It’s like they’re all in a club together and each week they get together to drink malt liquor and play truth or dare.  I can see it now…

Gates : “Hey Branson.  Branson!  Damn you and your beautiful hair. I say dear boy,  I bet you can’t take a shit  on the moon.”

Branson “Did that last week.”

Gates : “Hmph. You’ve bested me again dear chap”  (in my world Gates is British, it’s easier to hate him that way)

Buffet : “I’ve got one.  Let’s print meat and get the peasants to eat it”

Thiel : “You don’t think they’re that stupid do you?”

Gates : “They still use Windows don’t they?”

All : “Hahahah”

Hey rich guys, you worried about cow farts?  How about you feed the cows your money and shut up.  Wanna invent some new 3D printing?  How about reprinting your stacks o’ cash or streamlining those fleshlights.   Tell you what though, if you’ll be willing to print and eat a steak every day then I’ll give it a try.  Just put me in your will before you cut off a piece.  Fucking ridiculous.

Side note : My favorite line in the article was “its short-term goal is to create a slab of meat that’s one inch long.” I guess its long-term goal would to get an average, er, full sized, 5.5 inch slab of meat.

I printed this from a cow’s ass.

 

It’s Shark Week again this week.  Sharks are awesome and all but do we need a week for them, every year?  Or at least do we have to see the same type of stories / footage replayed each year.  I’m saying let’s change it up a bit.  I don’t fucking care about the surfer who had his leg bitten. Boring. I’ve had worse nights drinking with some Russians.  Then again, did the shark bite off his penis?  Then maybe we got a story.  Did a shark try and rape a human?  Maybe it’s not possible but I bet you’d get more viewers.  Hell, I’d DVR that episode.

I think they should make a new segment called Man vs Shark where a dude (I suggest a current inmate) goes all Bear Grylis and dives into a pool with only a snorkel mask and a sharpened toothbrush; fighting against a great white.  3 rounds of 2:00 minutes.  If the man survives he goes free, regardless of his crime.

Shark blowjobs suck. Nothing but teeth.


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