Category Archives: Uncategorized

Update: Presidental Debates, R. Kelly and Sex on a table

Time for our news update bulletin with a breakdown of the most important that happened last week…since I forgot to hit “publish” when I was done.

I know I’ve been writing about politics lately but hot damn it’s election season and I’ve got an open tag to fill.  I’ve been watching the debates and have come to certain conclusions.  The first is that the debates make much more sense when viewed through the eyes of a bottle of rum.   The other is that Michelle Obama is pretty foxy in a pink dress.  Other than that I’ve learned that Paul Ryan is a beast!  What are those 40 lbs?  Damn, where has Wisconsin been hiding this cheesy chode?  By the way, Romney’s got the election in the bag.

He’s basically Schwarzenegger with a red hat

Next, and almost as important as the election….it has been announced that R. Kelly will be releasing more chapters in his hip-hopera Trapped in a Closet.  I will speak for my readers when I say, it’s about fucking time.   I just don’t know how many nights I could go watching new episodes of Mad Men, Walking Dead and Game of Thrones before realizing that something was missing.  And that something was Robert Sylvester Kelly going to lyrical extremesto make people forget he was accused of having sex with and urinating on a child.

“You gonna get pee’d on, bitch”

And finally as I have relocated to Florida I feel it my duty to report on the news of my new state.  A report has been filed that a couple was watched having sex at a restaurant while parents and minors looked on.  Criminal charges were not filed however because the witnesses refused to file statements with the local police.   So many questions poured over me after reading this such as: Were they both on the table or was she bent over it?  Did they wait 30 minutes after eating?  Was there any anal?  And yes of course I was concerned for the well being of the children, wondering if in fact they finished all their vegetables.

“And for an appetizer, spicy tuna roll.”

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Back to blogging; Korean pop artists, cheesecake and Kate Upton

Holy strawberry shitcakes, I’ve been away from my blog for too long now.  I’d like to say that it’s because I was on an African safari or serving time for shoplifting Garth Brooks CD’s but neither would be true.  Besides, you know what they say, excuses are like Uncles who molest you.  Everyone’s got one and no one wants to hear about them.

Now, there’s a lot to cover and I’m not going to attempt all of it.  I’ll recap a few of the bullshit entertainment highlights of the past few weeks and hope that my head remains sufficiently removed from my anus so as to not let such a dry spell happen again.

Side Note : Like what you read but want me to write about other stuff?  Send me article ideas via the interweb and then shut the F up.

So…

In the world of music – f(x) finally stopped teasing us and released their latest album titled “Electric Shock”.  Not familiar with f(x) ?  Well that’s probably because you aren’t into South Korean girl pop bands.  And quite frankly, why the fuck aren’t you?  They’re young (Wikipedia tells me they are all almost 18), have almost learned how to sing (who isn’t into  screaming Asian girls? ) and make phenomenal music videos (actually the videos turn me on a little).  Fuck Maroon 5, fuck Bieber, fuck Usher and any other turd stain all-star that released albums in June.  F(x) has them all beat.  I dare you to watch any of their music videos and not vomit. Out of your wiener.  Other than music, F(x)’s biggest achievement is that if all 5 members stand on each other’s shoulders they can actually see over the counter at McDonald’s.  Too bad Ronald isn’t serving Kimchi, or any McDog sandwiches.

The band : f(x);  if Lady Gaga and Kim Jong Il had children.  Kind of hot right?

Seriously though,  the release of this album is the second thing to show up in a Google search of Top Stories for June 2012.

Holidays – So while I’ve been away the 4th of July happened. Yeah, pretty big deal over here in America.  If you’re unfamiliar with the holiday it’s when Americans get together in groups, set off explosives, cheer wildly and then die.  And while I understand that could be confused with an average day in the life of our military campaign in Afghanistan, I’m pretty sure the soldiers don’t get to eat American flag fruit cheesecake, get hammered on Coors Light and then drive their Dodge Ram into oncoming traffic.  Somehow the holiday celebrates our independence / supremacy as we demonstrate America’s utter inability to handle liquor and ignite fireworks.  Not to mention it subtly reminds everyone that no matter how much we apparently dislike China, we just bought $7 billion worth of Crayola explosives from them this year. Again.  Next year I’m just going to eat some bath salts and look through a kaleidoscopic.

American Flag Cheesecake.                                                                   George Washington would be proud.

Marissa Mayer at Yahoo (new CEO) –  One word for you, MILF.  Except she doesn’t have kids.  Whatever, if you’re over 30 and attractive, I don’t know another word to describe you.  Now, and I don’t mean this in a sexist way, but it’s really hard to take hot women seriously in high power positions.  I can take women in positions of power seriously and I can take hot women seriously.  Just not a mix of the two.  Example – a hot chick holding a whip dressed in crotch-less leather pants.  Serious.   Kate Upton eating a cheesburger.  Dead fucking serious.  Marissa Mayer working for Google.  Serious-ish.  Marissa as CEO of a wannabe Fortune 500 firm.  Sorry, just can’t do it.  Think about women of power, Hillary Clinton, Margaret Thatcher, Janet Reno, etc. Combined their total hot rank is like a 2.4.  I’d be more likely to have sex with an oven mitt than go on a date with them and help them shave their mustaches.  However, myself and most men included wouldn’t question, cross or doubt their decision making / power for a second.  Now that’s respect. Except Bill.  That wild card had the balls to cheat on his wife with a an uglier woman.

As for what Marissa Mayer should do with Yahoo?  1) Outsource.  2) Change the name to something that doesn’t remind me of a ladies bean  3) Grab the golden parachute and juuuuuuump.

I know why that star is smiling.

That’s it.  Pretty sure nothing else happened in June that is worth writing about.  Besides, I’m sort of craving Carl’s Jr. right now.


Denny’s offers new competition. Nanerpus not included.

Denny’s – Seriously, bring back the Nanerpus.

Social media is not just for mobile developers and unemployed hipsters.   It’s for Grand Slams.  And no I’m not talking about some boring, weak ass sport like golf.  Or baseball.  I’m talking about “All I’ve got is $.99 and somehow I can buy pancakes, bacon, sausage, eggs and diarrhea” Grand Slams.  That’s right, Denny’s.  A restaurant that makes me proud to be an American.   Borderline illegal and definitely dangerous, Denny’s is the king of hangover cures and pancakes so bad African children refuse them.  But that has not stopped it from joining the social media orgy and creating its own mobile app.   Personally, I would have thought maybe it could spend some more time improving the recipes on its Value Menu. As a word of advice, I’d recommend sidestepping the $4 All You Can Eat Pancakes and instead invest that money into some Ipecac.  Same effect without all that maple syrup.

Anyway, the app is pretty awesome in the fact that if you turn it on anywhere, pour syrup on your phone and then eat it; it will taste just like you’re at Denny’s.  No really, I’m serious. Not only that but the app also allows you to check in and chat with fellow biscuit and gravy loving patrons about how awesome your scrambled eggs were and post photos of how your pancake came out looking like Snooki’s ass.

The app however was just beginning, as Denny’s has just announced the 50 State Challenge, a competition that has been described as “basically the Amazing Race except no cameras and a bunch of shitty pancakes”.  The deal is the first person (or hapless team of 3) to check in to a Denny’s in every single state (fuck off Puerto Rico) wins free Grand Slams for life.   Did you read that?  Free Grand Slams.  For Life.   Forget playing Powerball and your day job and take a road trip of awesome.  You control your destiny.  Actually that second mention about day jobs is probably irrelevant since if you’re willing to embark as the Zelda of Hotcakes, then your day job probably only involves collecting food stamps (obviously accepted at Denny’s).

I just feel bad for all those wife-beater wearing, child-beating friendly, residents in America’s rural trailer parks that would absolutely demolish this challenge in48 hours.  They just don’t have an iPhone.  Or any teeth to chew on that bacon.

Good luck and don’t forget to pack some Mylanta.


State of the Nation : Vaginas

Vaginas : Nature’s petri-dish

I have just come across an alarming news brief.  One that may shake the very bedrock of humanity, or at the very least, our beds.  As it turns out, we can longer live under the belief that [all vaginas] “are created equal”.   Gone are the days when we could wantonly assume that lady tacos shared common ingredients. Now it seems, they each have their own special recipe.

Hold on, hold on. Before you freak out and start drinking bleach because the world you know has ceased to exist, allow me to be more specific. I am referring to the “vaginal microbiota” that have set up camp in a woman’s ninja boot like a group of Occupy Wall Street assholes.

Ohhhhhh, thank Christ.  It’s just some vaginal microbiota.  Phew.

Wait.  What?

Yeah, turns out that, according to The University of Maryland, women have a “community of bacteria living in the vagina”.  A community?  Living?  Shit, I hope they’re paying rent.  Or at the very least buying the lady some dinner.  I’m rarely allowed one, maybe two minutes, inside of one without having labored tirelessly; buying flowers, meeting parents and sacrificing goats.   And these microbial douche bags have the audacity to take up residence like some entitled twat-squatters?

Excuse for the moment what this means for women, I mean, the whole ‘my vagina is as individual as a snowflake’ scientific discovery.  Honestly, I’m thrilled for all women and I hope Hallmark has a card for this.  Maybe they could tie it in with mother’s day.  “Happy Mother’s Day – Your vagina is like, one in a billion ”  It’s just that my excitement is hiding somewhere below the puke about to burst forth like that little girl in The Exorcist.

I’m a bit curious about what’s been accompanying, shall I say, all those snowflakes that have melted on my tongue.   Suddenly eating yellow snow doesn’t sound so bad.  I had no idea I had been consuming what can only be by this time, roughly 30 trillion pieces of bacteria.   Ugh.   I’m no doctor, but medically speaking, it sounds pretty freaking gross to know I’ve orally encountered “groups of bacterial communities” without so much as a proper introduction.

They have even named it Lactobacillus bacteria.  Lacto-what?  That name makes it sound, I don’t know, like all milky and shit.  But not in that good “oh I just thought of a delicious, chocolate and caramel Milky Way” way.  No, more like the “I just witnessed what happens to someone who drinks a gallon of milk” sort of a way.

Bottom line, now I want a Milky Way.


3D Printing. Yeah, but can it make me a sandwich?

Forget the 3D printer. Hire a child to make you a sammy!

I’ll be the first to admit, technology is amazing.  Fuck sliced bread; give me more LED’s, LCD’s,  and a little LSD for good measure.  I’m craving some 7G technology.  You got a refrigerator  with fingerprint security to keep my beer safe from trolling roommates?  Great, I’ll take two.  A car that parks itself; sounds like a waste of my fucking time.  Are we so shitbrained  in a car that we forgot how to turn our steering wheel? Now, a car that can drive me home from the bar, stop at at Taco Bell and order me a a dozen crispy tacos.  That would be epic engineering.  I need that.

Speaking of technology, what happened to the follow through on smell-0-vision?  Did we realize that no one wants to watch NBA and get a giant whiff of Lebron’s taint as he man rapes the basket?  Oh what? You say I could smell food on TV then?  Sounds amazing, except, I don’t want to sit on my couch and watch a program about steak.  If I want to know about steak I’ll go to a fucking restaurant and eat one.  I bet they’ll even let me smell it too.  And don’t tell me that being able to watch food and smell it is an enhancement and a good alternative to the real thing as if it’s similar to what porn is to sex for us.  The biggest difference?  After porn I can jerk off and take a nap.  If I were to just smell some steak then I’m left with a giant food boner which can only be satisfied with, you guessed it, a steak.  I’m glad video killed the radio star, I just wish it would also kill people with bad ideas too.

But 3D printing, now that’s just, shit, I don’t know how I feel about this nonsense.  Before I decide I need to ask some tough questions like, how much does it cost, can it make me a sandwich and won’t this put a lot of those hard working Asians out of a job?  Last thing I want is to take American outsourced jobs away from the Chinese and give them to a machine in my living room.  That would just be, well, very un-American.  Unless of course I could hire a migrant worker to maintain my machine for $1 / hr.  That would be a little more American.

On the plus side to owning a 3D printer you you could make some really kickass decisions about buying something that you’d otherwise probably never get.  Wanna finally try out some numchucks on the neighbor’s dog who keeps shitting in your backyard?  No problem, just hit Print, practice your swing and presto.  Problem solved.  You just might need to print out a shovel though too.


Facebook IPO

Plant the IPO seeds and watch them grow

So I just read that Facebook is poised to open the flood gates and finally give this world what it has been missing all these years, a good god damn all American titty-fucking Facebook IPO.  Yippee ki yay mister Zucker!  I’m pretty excited about it.  I’m getting a bit of a tech / stock boner right now.  Yes!  Finally, something else in this world that really has no direct impact on me but I can get pumped about.   Damn, I can’t wait to get jealous over the extra $873 trillion that Zuckerpucker is going to make and then suddenly depressed that my life isn’t like his and then behave poorly because of it.

Nah, actually I don’t give shit.  And neither should you.  Despite that, I bet plenty of people who will read about it and all the coin Zuckburger is about to make will get angry that their life isn’t like that.  And then to calm their nerves and make the pain go away will drink half a bottle of Beam and crash their car into a giant tree.

So to prevent,  at the very least some damaged trees, let me tell you how you how should react.  You shouldn’t.  You should be more concerned as whether or not there is sufficient tp in the bathroom next time you take a shit.  Or ask yourself whether you have enough Lucky Charms  ready for your next smoke sesh with the guys.  Yeah, once you put that into perspective you realize it doesn’t matter if Zuckerbag makes enough money to buy Colorado; your life isn’t going to be any different.  But if you have to duck waddle to the cupboard or settle for some fucking Cheerios, then, my friend, your life will be utterly and totally impacted.

But if you really care, contact your stock broker, promise him your first born or maybe just a handy  (or depending on the age of your first born, a handy from him) to see if he can get you listed for the IPO.  Just remember how many boxes of Lucky Charms you can get for that same $30.


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