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Election Night 2012: Party like you’re George W

“Mmmmm, kitty taste good.”

I’ve got election fever.  Voter diarrhea.  Politcal swampass.  Whatever you call it, I’m pumped for election night.  I’m popping Champagne and doing lines like G.W. on a bender at Yale.  Or the White House.  Tonight is bigger than if you took the Super Bowl, a U2 concert and every Harry Potter book and combined them all into one super-PACkacge of Bono-Madden-Hogwarts awesomeness.  It’s the greatest event of year.  NO dobut about it.

Yah, you’re probably thinking “Wait, how can this be better than like, THE OLYMPICS?  That was a showcase of the world.  That was truly spectacular.”  Ummmmm….Fuck the Olympics.  Who wants to watch Michael Phelps and Ryan Lochte jerk each other off in the pool anyway?  Don’t think so. Tonight is all about America, without us having to pretend to care about other countries.

Disclaimer : I would definitely party with Lochte on any night. Phelps can suck it.

Sure, I miss Palin on a night like this, with her can do attitude and intelligence of a moldy turd. I’m not sure Mitt Romney is much of a party animal; definitely nothing like his GOP predecessors.  It’s creepy, but if you hadn’t realized yet Mitt Romney can be rearranged to say Mormeny Tit.  Which pretty much says everything.  Sarah Heath Palin meanwhile can form ‘Ha Ha, Alpine Trash’.

“I blew a pirate for this hat. I’m such a rogue.”

Now they’re saying this election will be tighter than tweens twat, and what are the candidates doing on the last day?  Well, Obama was said to be shooting hoops with some homies back in Chi-town.  Even Scottie Pippen showed up to play, reportedly even picking up the president multiple times so he could ‘dunk like Jordan.’

Romeny, meanwhile was reported at a Ohio Wendy’s,  eating Frosty’s and stealing fries from fatties.  When eating someone’s fries, Mitt was heard saying he wouldn’t “double dip”, which was followed by the woman telling him he can “do anything he wants”.  You don’t have to be Dan Rather to know this woman will be voting for Romney’s greasy Bacanator.

“I am definitely not voting for this fool.”

No matter what the candidates were doing I hope you all finished your beers before you entered the polling booth.


Update: Presidental Debates, R. Kelly and Sex on a table

Time for our news update bulletin with a breakdown of the most important that happened last week…since I forgot to hit “publish” when I was done.

I know I’ve been writing about politics lately but hot damn it’s election season and I’ve got an open tag to fill.  I’ve been watching the debates and have come to certain conclusions.  The first is that the debates make much more sense when viewed through the eyes of a bottle of rum.   The other is that Michelle Obama is pretty foxy in a pink dress.  Other than that I’ve learned that Paul Ryan is a beast!  What are those 40 lbs?  Damn, where has Wisconsin been hiding this cheesy chode?  By the way, Romney’s got the election in the bag.

He’s basically Schwarzenegger with a red hat

Next, and almost as important as the election….it has been announced that R. Kelly will be releasing more chapters in his hip-hopera Trapped in a Closet.  I will speak for my readers when I say, it’s about fucking time.   I just don’t know how many nights I could go watching new episodes of Mad Men, Walking Dead and Game of Thrones before realizing that something was missing.  And that something was Robert Sylvester Kelly going to lyrical extremesto make people forget he was accused of having sex with and urinating on a child.

“You gonna get pee’d on, bitch”

And finally as I have relocated to Florida I feel it my duty to report on the news of my new state.  A report has been filed that a couple was watched having sex at a restaurant while parents and minors looked on.  Criminal charges were not filed however because the witnesses refused to file statements with the local police.   So many questions poured over me after reading this such as: Were they both on the table or was she bent over it?  Did they wait 30 minutes after eating?  Was there any anal?  And yes of course I was concerned for the well being of the children, wondering if in fact they finished all their vegetables.

“And for an appetizer, spicy tuna roll.”


Mitt Romney, Barbra Streisand and the McRib

 

Love me some Romney pics.

There is always plenty political fodder to talk about and I’d like to open with the remark of Mitt Romney in which he stated if he was a Mexican he’d have a better chance of winning the presidency.  Frankly, I’m loving that El Romney wants to reunite with his Mexican heritage, even if that heritage just refers to when his ancestors fled America so they could have a Mormon gangbang down in Tiajuana like some spring break co-eds.  Whatever.  No pasa nada.   I mean, even though Los Romneys are dying to storm the gates of Casa Blanca, all of a sudden all I’m wondering is if they’ve got a secret family recipe for some killer salsa.  Ay Carumba!

Forget Paul Ryan, he should have picked Jose Cuervo.

Meanwhile Hollywood chimed in, as one of my favorite [deepthroat] singers and quite possibly the most beautiful women to ever marry James Brolin, Barbra Streisand spoke out about the upcoming elections.  I was shocked, not only to read that Streisand is still alive, but also to know she has some ‘political opinions’ that apparently matter to the general public.   While I didn’t actually read her article, I took note that there were 890 that ‘Liked’ it on Facebook which leads me to assume they, like myself, had this in mind when they clicked it.

Streisand. So hot in the 1960’s.

And finally, to the great dismay of trailer parks across the nation,  there are news reports that the McRib will be delaying its 2012 appearance this year.   Like the birth of the baby Jesus, the holy McRib has postponed until the end of December, making it a perfect last minute gift idea for that person on your list who seems to have everything; everything except explosive diarrhea. This comes as a change from the original planned offering to take place in mid-October which would have made for some great Halloween activities like: “McRibbing” the neighbors trees, playing our favorite “bobbing for McRibs” and of course getting hammered and actually trying to eat one.

McRib; more real than God himself.


Barack Obama on Reddit

Either reading last minute emails or browsing Redtube for some ebony DP.

So I got word that our president, BO, sat down for half an hour today to do an AMA on Reddit this afternoon.  What’s an AMA you ask?  Well, at first I thought it was some sort of sexual abbreviation like, Anal-Mouth-Anal or something like that.  Turns out a) that was NOT what he was doing and b) that would have been more awesome.  No, AMA stands for “Ask Me Anything” which is more or less what happens when you mix a few beers and painkillers.  Doubt me?  Try it.

By the way, why does it look like our POTUS is in some side room broom closet with an IKEA lamp?  Where’s the leather swivel chair, big mahogany desk and for fuck’s sake, the presidential seal?    Also, since when is he left handed?  No way I’m voting for a lefty next term.

Anyway, I’m all for presidential interwebbing and social-political connectivity and other fake words, but what did this stunt accomplish exactly?  Sure, I got to read some political rhetoric while I waited for Mean Girls to download.

Frankly, most of the answers looked like they were prewritten, prerecorded premeditated presidential pre-cum.  Not to mention, might I add, the questions he answered looked like some deliberate soft balls, lobbed in there to give POTUS some easy points.  The dude is El Presidente, the least we could have done was asked some legitimate questions.

Here are some questions others asked that POTUS didn’t answer but I’ve filled in what he would have said:

Q: What’s your favorite flavor of toothpaste?

A: Aquafresh, but only the middle strip.

Q: If you and Joe Biden played 1 on 1, who’d win.

A: I’d f***ing crush him.

Q: Toilet paper, facing out or facing in?

A: I haven’t wiped my own ass for four years.  I hired Clinton to do that for me.

Q: “Star Wars or Star Trek?”

A: It’s rumored that all presidents receive an honorary light saber upon inauguration.  In fact, young G.W. Bush used to borrow his George Sr.’s for party tricks and/or cut up lines of coke.

Seriously, Star Wars. And you f’ing doubted me?

Here’s a summary of the questions and answers as I understood them:

Q: I am a recent law grad, with no job, no future and lots of debt.  How are you going to help me and other broke-ass students?

A: Uhhhhh…. That’s a bummer deal man.

Q: What was your most difficult decisions this term?

A: Whether or not I should let Joe Biden continue  breathing.  That and finally declaring my favorite M&M.  I like the green ones, they make me horny.

Q: What is the first thing you’ll do on Nov 7th, win or lose?

A: Have sex with the new first lady.  I figure being a [ex]president, I could hook that up.

Q: What are you going to do to help small businesses in 2013 and 2014.

A: Small what?  We still have those?

Q: Are you going to increase funding for the space program?

A:  You know, sometimes after a long day I like to come home, roll a spliff and stare up at the stars.  I sit out on the lawn just gazing away, listening to some Pink Floyd and taking it all in; wondering what’s out there.  But when it comes to NASA I usually say puff….puff…paaaassss.

Mars? You got a mars bar bro?

 


News Recap : Pee Wee fatty, 3D meat and Shark Week

This shirt has nothing to do with my article. Except it’s awesome.

What’s up America.  Thought I’d give a recap some news with you.  These are by far, the biggest stories.   Seriously, Iraq could drop the N Bomb all over the world and you’d still be hearing about these things first.  And for the record I was talking about the neutron bomb…

OK, we’ll start it out with the case of the 300 lb kid who isn’t allowed to play Pee Wee Football. Here are the facts.  The kid, Elijah, is 12 years old and weighs 300 lbs and the Pee Wee league has a rule limiting players to be under 135 lbs.  Damn Elijah, looks like you barely missed the cutoff.  Shit.  Maybe you should try P90X and then come back.  Or wait, maybe you should enter the NFL draft and quit crying.

Is this even open to discussion?  No shit he shouldn’t be playing Pee Wee Football.  For starters, it’s called Pee Wee for a reason, and any player whose dick is literally bigger than another player shouldn’t be allowed to compete.  Anyone else remember when they were 12?  I do, I weighed 80 pounds.  No way in hell I’d have played football with Elijah.  Would you let your son get tackled by Brian Urlacher?  No, I didn’t think so; not to mention Urlacher is 40 lbs lighter than Elijah.  On the other hand, Jenny McCarthy’s vagina has been tackled by Brian and she seems to be holding up well (for someone who’s almost 40).  Meanwhile, Elijah’s mom says he is the one coming home crying.  Hey Elijah, man the fuck up.   Clearly your balls haven’t grown as big as your gut.  Suit up, eat that bucket of cheeseburgers and go play with the “big” JV team. 

“Hey Elijah. This is what you’re missing biotch”

 

I came upon an article about some asshole trying to create 3D printed meat.  Apparently, billionaire Peter Thiel feels the environmental impact of raising cattle is far too great and we should switch to 3D meat.  (You may recall that I wrote about 3D foods earlier so I’m basically an expert on the topic). What is with the super wealthy trying to solve the common man’s problem?  It’s like they’re all in a club together and each week they get together to drink malt liquor and play truth or dare.  I can see it now…

Gates : “Hey Branson.  Branson!  Damn you and your beautiful hair. I say dear boy,  I bet you can’t take a shit  on the moon.”

Branson “Did that last week.”

Gates : “Hmph. You’ve bested me again dear chap”  (in my world Gates is British, it’s easier to hate him that way)

Buffet : “I’ve got one.  Let’s print meat and get the peasants to eat it”

Thiel : “You don’t think they’re that stupid do you?”

Gates : “They still use Windows don’t they?”

All : “Hahahah”

Hey rich guys, you worried about cow farts?  How about you feed the cows your money and shut up.  Wanna invent some new 3D printing?  How about reprinting your stacks o’ cash or streamlining those fleshlights.   Tell you what though, if you’ll be willing to print and eat a steak every day then I’ll give it a try.  Just put me in your will before you cut off a piece.  Fucking ridiculous.

Side note : My favorite line in the article was “its short-term goal is to create a slab of meat that’s one inch long.” I guess its long-term goal would to get an average, er, full sized, 5.5 inch slab of meat.

I printed this from a cow’s ass.

 

It’s Shark Week again this week.  Sharks are awesome and all but do we need a week for them, every year?  Or at least do we have to see the same type of stories / footage replayed each year.  I’m saying let’s change it up a bit.  I don’t fucking care about the surfer who had his leg bitten. Boring. I’ve had worse nights drinking with some Russians.  Then again, did the shark bite off his penis?  Then maybe we got a story.  Did a shark try and rape a human?  Maybe it’s not possible but I bet you’d get more viewers.  Hell, I’d DVR that episode.

I think they should make a new segment called Man vs Shark where a dude (I suggest a current inmate) goes all Bear Grylis and dives into a pool with only a snorkel mask and a sharpened toothbrush; fighting against a great white.  3 rounds of 2:00 minutes.  If the man survives he goes free, regardless of his crime.

Shark blowjobs suck. Nothing but teeth.


The Olympics – Minor Observations

This is why I watch the Olympics

So are we enjoying the Olympics everyone?  Getting your fill on Gold medals, heart warming stories and foreigners crowding your TV?  Are you still content watching people do things “once every four years” that you could go watch any day at a circus?  OK OK, I don’t mean to hate, I’m loving the Red White and Blue dominance.  I’m loving my McDonald’s game pieces that are betting on the Olympic athletes while making me fat.  It’s all great.  But there are a few things to discuss:

1)        Swimming i.e. Phelps / Lochte – I started with these two guys because the internet is crawling with shit about them and I figured it might help me show up in a Google search if I wrote about them.

A) Swimming seems cool until you realize we live on land.  At which point you realize it’s a waste of time and wonder why we have so many swimming events.  B)  They are both douche bags but I would be proud to bang either of them. So would you. They’re f***ing Gold Medal Olympians.  C) For Phelps –  You’re not the greatest athlete ever.  You are, I will admit, the most decorated swimmer ever.  For whatever that’s worth.  I suppose  unless Kevin Costner and his evil Waterworld buddies show up again your “skill” is pretty much useless.  At least you haven’t let it go to your head.  D)  For Lochte – Rumor has it that you’re gay.  I may or may not have started that rumor.  E) I propose one more swimming event “Phelps 40 Hands”.  Rules should be pretty obvious.  First one to finish both 40’s wins.  Drowning is automatic DQ.  Peeing in the pool +1 min penalty.

Come on, you know you would. Nobody’s that straight.

2)  Coaching – Alright, I’ve got no problem with coaches.  I understand they play a vital role with training and that kind of shit.  Clearly, every nation’s girls gymnastics team needs an overweight, gold chain wearing coach to rub their backs and “spot” them.  And yes, I call it the girl’s gymnastics team because the average age of all the “women” on the gymnastics teams in the 2012 Summer Olympics is 14.    Anyway, I’m fine with those guys.  I’m just wondering how these guys are getting jobs as head coaches of these new sports like Trampoline.  How exactly do we have veteran coaches for a sport that didn’t exist until 2004?  Again, no offense to the coach, I’m just looking out for the athletes here.

I’ve got an idea for a new trampoline event, one that would actually gauge skill and be fun to watch. I picture it something of a cross between current trampoline and original Mario world.  You still jump and twirl and shit but you make your away around a big circle and other guys dressed up like flying turtles and mushrooms pop up and throw actual fireballs at you.   Could be fun to watch.  Probably painful to lose.  Whatever, it’s not like these athlete’s day jobs at Home Depot is much to look forward to going back to anyway.

Basically every girl’s gymnastic coach

3)        Coverage / Bob Costas  –  Apparently everyone has been giving NBC a hard time for their coverage of the Olympics this year.  I haven’t noticed, but then again I’m only interested in women’s beach volleyball and I got that shit DVR’d ( is that a verb yet?).  But with the door of public animosity open, I’ll take the opportunity to deride them and their own Benjamin Button, Mr. Bob Costas.  Seriously, I did a Google image search and in every single image Costas looks the same age – as if he’s been in his mid-30’s his entire life.  Like he popped out of his mother’s pee-hole as a nearly life-size man holding a microphone and interviewing her vagina on its performance.  Not to mention he is never mad.  Which is just as strange.  You’d think if you spent 40 years in front of the camera there would a video / photo of you losing your shit like O’Reilly.  (For the record Costas is 60 years old).  Whatever, the dude makes billions of dollars, has a hot (ish) wife and talks to every athlete in the world.  Which is strange because he looks like a big NAF.

“Fucking right, Donkey!”

Alright, that’s all I got about these games.  It’s been a pleasure.  I gotta go practice my “Bolting” now.


Dark Knight Rises – I’d rather have Bateman over Batman

“Because Alfred, how hard is it to poach an egg!!”

So I just went to Dark Knight Rises last night and I’m going to write a review.  Why? Because I have a computer, internet and I already masturbated, so I’ve got nothing else to do for an hour.  Oh, and it’s going to be a negative review.  Why a negative review?  Because everyone and their grandma thinks TDKR is super duper fucking awesome and frankly I’m sick of them and Rotten Tomatoes sucking the dick of Nolan and Bale like they completed a perfect trilogy.  I mean, what do they think this is, The Mighty Ducks!?

Attention : Spoiler Alert.  This review will divulge information about the movie that may giveaway certain plot details, like for one, that the plot reminded me of a steaming pile of pig semen.  So, I guess, reader beware.

I’ll make a list in no particular order of the things I remember not liking about the movie.  Frankly, I was pretty stoned so my memory may leave out some other [shitty] things.  And before you say “You dope head, you’re dope smoking obviously made the movie worse” I will say this :  Do you smoke dope?  Because if you do, than you know dope smoking makes everything more awesome, like eating cheeseburgers, finger banging and going to the god damn movies. And if you don’t, you should start.

1)  Bane makes day traders on Wall Street look like a bunch of mitten munching puss holes who scare easily.  We’re talking about a breed of people that would short a stock to kill their grandma if it meant they’d hit their bonus. That is a breed of crazy, and crazy does not scare easily.

2) Bane sounded like a Sean Connery.  To be specific, he sounded like a Sean Connery who was getting jerked off by a Thai hooker.  At any point I was expecting him to welcome us to The Rock and/or drop to his knees and orgasm so hard his pipe cleaner mask would explode.  Bane posing as Connery : Scare Factor 2 / 10  : Erotic Factor 8 / 10.  I mean, come on, Sean Connery is pretty hot.

3) That Miranda chick.  Turns out in the end, she is the child of Ra ah Gul, not Bane.  I felt tricked and hurt to find out that slut Miranda a) seduced poor billionaire Bruce Wayne into fireside fuck fest, only to stab him later.  And b) she was able to jump across some ledge as a little girl when Batman, a god damn Superhero, failed.  I mean, come on, who expects us to believe that little girl made that jump when Batman couldn’t make it?  We all know men jump farther than women.

4) Was Catwoman a lesbian?  While this technically is not a reason for negative criticism, Nolan failing to play this up and not show her scissoring her blonde friend is an obvious FAIL. Seriously, there was a scene when her blonde chick ‘friend’ is hugging her, possibly with her hands caressing Catwoman’s vagina and the way she talked made it seem like they were female f-buddies.  Which would have been great, except the most we got of Hathaway was her kissing Bale like a couple of school kids. There ought to have been a little 3-some scene like that one Bale did in American Psycho.

Batman ain’t got shit on Bateman.

Back to blogging; Korean pop artists, cheesecake and Kate Upton

Holy strawberry shitcakes, I’ve been away from my blog for too long now.  I’d like to say that it’s because I was on an African safari or serving time for shoplifting Garth Brooks CD’s but neither would be true.  Besides, you know what they say, excuses are like Uncles who molest you.  Everyone’s got one and no one wants to hear about them.

Now, there’s a lot to cover and I’m not going to attempt all of it.  I’ll recap a few of the bullshit entertainment highlights of the past few weeks and hope that my head remains sufficiently removed from my anus so as to not let such a dry spell happen again.

Side Note : Like what you read but want me to write about other stuff?  Send me article ideas via the interweb and then shut the F up.

So…

In the world of music – f(x) finally stopped teasing us and released their latest album titled “Electric Shock”.  Not familiar with f(x) ?  Well that’s probably because you aren’t into South Korean girl pop bands.  And quite frankly, why the fuck aren’t you?  They’re young (Wikipedia tells me they are all almost 18), have almost learned how to sing (who isn’t into  screaming Asian girls? ) and make phenomenal music videos (actually the videos turn me on a little).  Fuck Maroon 5, fuck Bieber, fuck Usher and any other turd stain all-star that released albums in June.  F(x) has them all beat.  I dare you to watch any of their music videos and not vomit. Out of your wiener.  Other than music, F(x)’s biggest achievement is that if all 5 members stand on each other’s shoulders they can actually see over the counter at McDonald’s.  Too bad Ronald isn’t serving Kimchi, or any McDog sandwiches.

The band : f(x);  if Lady Gaga and Kim Jong Il had children.  Kind of hot right?

Seriously though,  the release of this album is the second thing to show up in a Google search of Top Stories for June 2012.

Holidays – So while I’ve been away the 4th of July happened. Yeah, pretty big deal over here in America.  If you’re unfamiliar with the holiday it’s when Americans get together in groups, set off explosives, cheer wildly and then die.  And while I understand that could be confused with an average day in the life of our military campaign in Afghanistan, I’m pretty sure the soldiers don’t get to eat American flag fruit cheesecake, get hammered on Coors Light and then drive their Dodge Ram into oncoming traffic.  Somehow the holiday celebrates our independence / supremacy as we demonstrate America’s utter inability to handle liquor and ignite fireworks.  Not to mention it subtly reminds everyone that no matter how much we apparently dislike China, we just bought $7 billion worth of Crayola explosives from them this year. Again.  Next year I’m just going to eat some bath salts and look through a kaleidoscopic.

American Flag Cheesecake.                                                                   George Washington would be proud.

Marissa Mayer at Yahoo (new CEO) –  One word for you, MILF.  Except she doesn’t have kids.  Whatever, if you’re over 30 and attractive, I don’t know another word to describe you.  Now, and I don’t mean this in a sexist way, but it’s really hard to take hot women seriously in high power positions.  I can take women in positions of power seriously and I can take hot women seriously.  Just not a mix of the two.  Example – a hot chick holding a whip dressed in crotch-less leather pants.  Serious.   Kate Upton eating a cheesburger.  Dead fucking serious.  Marissa Mayer working for Google.  Serious-ish.  Marissa as CEO of a wannabe Fortune 500 firm.  Sorry, just can’t do it.  Think about women of power, Hillary Clinton, Margaret Thatcher, Janet Reno, etc. Combined their total hot rank is like a 2.4.  I’d be more likely to have sex with an oven mitt than go on a date with them and help them shave their mustaches.  However, myself and most men included wouldn’t question, cross or doubt their decision making / power for a second.  Now that’s respect. Except Bill.  That wild card had the balls to cheat on his wife with a an uglier woman.

As for what Marissa Mayer should do with Yahoo?  1) Outsource.  2) Change the name to something that doesn’t remind me of a ladies bean  3) Grab the golden parachute and juuuuuuump.

I know why that star is smiling.

That’s it.  Pretty sure nothing else happened in June that is worth writing about.  Besides, I’m sort of craving Carl’s Jr. right now.


Denny’s offers new competition. Nanerpus not included.

Denny’s – Seriously, bring back the Nanerpus.

Social media is not just for mobile developers and unemployed hipsters.   It’s for Grand Slams.  And no I’m not talking about some boring, weak ass sport like golf.  Or baseball.  I’m talking about “All I’ve got is $.99 and somehow I can buy pancakes, bacon, sausage, eggs and diarrhea” Grand Slams.  That’s right, Denny’s.  A restaurant that makes me proud to be an American.   Borderline illegal and definitely dangerous, Denny’s is the king of hangover cures and pancakes so bad African children refuse them.  But that has not stopped it from joining the social media orgy and creating its own mobile app.   Personally, I would have thought maybe it could spend some more time improving the recipes on its Value Menu. As a word of advice, I’d recommend sidestepping the $4 All You Can Eat Pancakes and instead invest that money into some Ipecac.  Same effect without all that maple syrup.

Anyway, the app is pretty awesome in the fact that if you turn it on anywhere, pour syrup on your phone and then eat it; it will taste just like you’re at Denny’s.  No really, I’m serious. Not only that but the app also allows you to check in and chat with fellow biscuit and gravy loving patrons about how awesome your scrambled eggs were and post photos of how your pancake came out looking like Snooki’s ass.

The app however was just beginning, as Denny’s has just announced the 50 State Challenge, a competition that has been described as “basically the Amazing Race except no cameras and a bunch of shitty pancakes”.  The deal is the first person (or hapless team of 3) to check in to a Denny’s in every single state (fuck off Puerto Rico) wins free Grand Slams for life.   Did you read that?  Free Grand Slams.  For Life.   Forget playing Powerball and your day job and take a road trip of awesome.  You control your destiny.  Actually that second mention about day jobs is probably irrelevant since if you’re willing to embark as the Zelda of Hotcakes, then your day job probably only involves collecting food stamps (obviously accepted at Denny’s).

I just feel bad for all those wife-beater wearing, child-beating friendly, residents in America’s rural trailer parks that would absolutely demolish this challenge in48 hours.  They just don’t have an iPhone.  Or any teeth to chew on that bacon.

Good luck and don’t forget to pack some Mylanta.


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