So I just read that Facebook is poised to open the flood gates and finally give this world what it has been missing all these years, a good god damn all American titty-fucking Facebook IPO. Yippee ki yay mister Zucker! I’m pretty excited about it. I’m getting a bit of a tech / stock boner right now. Yes! Finally, something else in this world that really has no direct impact on me but I can get pumped about. Damn, I can’t wait to get jealous over the extra $873 trillion that Zuckerpucker is going to make and then suddenly depressed that my life isn’t like his and then behave poorly because of it.
Nah, actually I don’t give shit. And neither should you. Despite that, I bet plenty of people who will read about it and all the coin Zuckburger is about to make will get angry that their life isn’t like that. And then to calm their nerves and make the pain go away will drink half a bottle of Beam and crash their car into a giant tree.
So to prevent, at the very least some damaged trees, let me tell you how you how should react. You shouldn’t. You should be more concerned as whether or not there is sufficient tp in the bathroom next time you take a shit. Or ask yourself whether you have enough Lucky Charms ready for your next smoke sesh with the guys. Yeah, once you put that into perspective you realize it doesn’t matter if Zuckerbag makes enough money to buy Colorado; your life isn’t going to be any different. But if you have to duck waddle to the cupboard or settle for some fucking Cheerios, then, my friend, your life will be utterly and totally impacted.
But if you really care, contact your stock broker, promise him your first born or maybe just a handy (or depending on the age of your first born, a handy from him) to see if he can get you listed for the IPO. Just remember how many boxes of Lucky Charms you can get for that same $30.