Tag Archives: condoms

Interview with a Penis : An Infographic

lifeofpenis2
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Condoms or Babies : An Infographic

We gladly present our first infographic outlining the humorous and very, very serious reasons a man should wrap it up.  The facts presented below are just that, facts.  You won’t need to Google anything, it’s accurate. 

infographicbaby

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How to Save Money in College : Part 1

Students, teachers, faculty (no, not The Faculty) and mascots.  Welcome to Part 1 of of 30 part series entitled “How To Save Money in College … so I can spend it on scented candles, cocaine and other cool shit”

Here I will provide you with my hazy memories and limited wisdom on how to save your cash in college to ultimately spend your cash on something else.  Today’s pearl of wisdom comes straight from my own experiences at college and I’m telling you NOT TO BUY YOUR COLLEGE TEXTBOOKS.

Anyone can read a book.  Anyone.

Anyone can read a book. Anyone.

No 1. Don’t buy the college textbooks – Not only are college textbooks boring, heavy to carry and full of big words, they’re also expensive.  Your college thinks you won’t notice but even Club 420 members are going to notice a $143 price tag on that Anatomy 101.  Who the hell needs a book on anatomy anyway?  Didn’t we all learn that little girls are made of sugar and spice and little boys are made of puppy dog tails?  Which, come to think of it, doesn’t make sense, because last time I ate a girl I clearly don’t remember any sugar.  Plenty of spice though.   Hell, maybe you should get that Anatomy 101 book. JUST DON’T BUY IT.  

Here’s what you do.

MOST colleges are required to have their library stock at least 1 copy of every book that any class offers.  So after you attend classes the first week and get your list of “required books” (don’t worry, you never need your book the first week), get the book list and then head over to the library. You can either photocopy everything for a fraction of the cost (or for free if you get a job at the library) or just keep the book all semester.  Your overdue fees will be less than the book.

Or take the book and hide it in some secret place in the library and come back to it whenever you need.  Then there’s no overdue fines or photocopy fees.

That’s today’s tip.  And speaking of tips, make sure to wrap yours when having sex.  There’s no better way to protect your wiener from the Clap or her vagina from Babies than with a rubber.  And there’s no better way to buy them than with a condom subscription from My MonthlyRubbers.  It’s Easy, Fast and very, very f***ing CHEAP.


Top 5 Christmas Gift Ideas for Men (dirty)

“It doesn’t sound like a blowjob”

Ladies, there are a bunch of stupid lists out there of ideas to give your MAN for Christmas.  I’ve read them all and they’re all pretty much dog shit.  Does anyone need another bottle opener?  A fucking scarf?  Oh, it’s a custom bottle opening scarf?  Well in that case, I’ll take one.  Choke me with it please.  Holy bleeding anus those are bad.  If I get any of those I’m going to blow my brains out, but not before I beat your children.  Too far?  Alright, I won’t shoot myself.

This list is NON-bull shit.  It’s real.  Read it and get shopping.

1)  Plastic Surgery – No, not for him.  Your man is probably perfect, since that’s how men are.  This would be for you.  Go get your titties bigger or your gut shrunk or your FUPA removed.  Do it, do it fast.  If you get it done now the swelling should go down by Christmas.

2)  A sandwich – I know this sounds simple and easy and small and that’s the point.  If it’s so simple, and easy and small then give this gift EVERY DAY.  What’s that saying…”a sammy a day keeps the fists at bay”?

3)  A blowjob – You don’t have to buy it or wrap it or anything.  Just BAM!  Christmas morning put your mouth where your face is and talk to the cock.  If you already go down on your man regularly consider getting him a blowjob from someone else.  Like your hot friend.

4) Tickets to Vegas – What man doesn’t want to go to Sin City where he can blow  his money on chicks, his mind on blow, and his wad on both.  Hell yeah! Vegas Baby!  Just make sure your name isn’t on the second ticket.  Buzz kill.

5) A monthly condom subscription – Listen, we know your man is getting laid every month, whether or not it’s with you is none of our business.  So why not give a little so he can come a lot.   And just to make him feel better, buy the MAGNUMS.

I guarantee there is at least one thing on this list that EVERY MAN WANTS.

Buy your condom subscription today!!
Get one at http://mymonthlyrubbers.com

The Pill : Sell it like condoms?

I just read an article discussing the merits of allowing female birth control to be sold over the counter like condoms.  Apparently, the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, or what I like to call, The School of Muff, just declared their support for this to go into effect.

Now, although the college laid out what it believes to be rational reasoning, we have taken it upon ourselves to play Devil’s Advocate and provide possible pitfalls, however unlikely they are.

birth control – gobble ’em up!

1) Addiction –  We’ve seen it before; if you can pop it, snort it, or swallow it, then someone is going to abuse it.  I don’t care if it gets you high or not, people are Class A Shitheads when it comes to trying to abuse drugs.    Think I’m kidding?  Remember your classmates who snorted Pixie Stix?  Yeah, those boners will be the ones crushing up a month’s worth of baby-blockers and heating up in a spoon.

2) Men will be asked to buy it – Once something becomes Over The Counter it falls prey to the possibility that some girlfriend is going to ask her man to “just pick it up while he’s at the store”.  Sounds harmless enough, but this will end in tragedy.   All too often men get distracted looking at power tools and the cashiers’ tits only to grab the wrong product, returning home with medical gauze and a box of Tic Tacs instead of vagina pads and The Pill.

3)  Bureaucrats  – We don’t have specific numbers for you, but we expect getting this approved by the FDA will involve someone having to “go down on” some bureaucrats to get this passed.  And having gotten a glimpse of the candidates this past election, we’re pretty sure that’s something we should all try to avoid.

If you need birth control and you want to STOP BABIES and AVOID STD’s then use a rubber.  And there is no better way than with a condom subscription.

Join the club and protect your chub!   http://mymonthlyrubbers.com

Measure B; good for business, bad for cum-shot lovers

Before I get started I want you all to know the hardest part writing this was deciding if cum shot is one word, two words or needed a hyphen.  I made the mistake of trying to Google it.  No clear answer, although I did get a hard on.  Shit, is that one word?? Hardon?  As in james hardon.  Yah, my boner plays for the Rockets.  And it dunks.

Anyway…

So the polls are closed, the voting is over, the dust has settled and I’m late to the feeding trough.  Fuck it.  The constitution says I can say what I want even if I’m late.  And I want to talk about California and Measure B.  And while we’re on the topic of the Constituion, quite frankly I think this new initiative infringes on our 69th Ammendment : The Right to Free Nut Busting.  And by the way, California, if you want to make a new law, how about considering one that prohibits Schwarzenegger from making any more movies.   Or just elect him for another term, that would be as entertaining as Expendables 2.

So this Measure B could have big implications for masturbation WORLDWIDE.  I mean, if this really is as bad as they make it sound, then the $89 bazillion trillion porn industry might suddenly collapse, leaving most Masturbation Expert Natives (MEN) hazardously sporting raging boners without any suitable porn to watch since the sex studios all went out of business.  And now with these raging boners and nothing to satisfy them, these  MEN won’t be able to focus at work and they’ll get fired pushing the economy down into the anus of Satan and eventually everyone will be unemployed and, and and…Fuck.

That sounds bad; bad like Lindasy Lohan finding an 8-ball under her drivers seat and not pulling over first to snort it.  But that is probably unlikely.  Unless you’ve read all these articles on Measure B (which I haven’t) and you actually believe this will impact you.  Let’s be honest, if you read any news, then you’re probably looking at free porn to begin with and you won’t notice that you no longer are getting your 2.32 minute long “facial compilations” in your Redtube stream anymore, you’re too busy checking for the latest Naughty MILF of the week.

And let me remind you, should Measure B actually materialize into something real (i.e. enforcable) than My Monthly Rubbers could stand to make billions.  Just think of all those sticky ropes we could be netting with our rubbers if we signed a contract with Peter North or someone else with a bunch of jizz who normally blasts faces like fucking Hurricane Sandy.   We’d be so rich.  Alas, we aren’t.  We need you to subscribe.  Please?

Measure B : It could mean digging out our old ‘spank bank’.


We are open!

Hello America!    Need some condoms?

We have officially opened our doors here at My Monthly Rubbers and we couldn’t be happier.  After many long days and nights, building our store and testing our products we are finally open and look forward to providing you the best condom subscription around.

Now, if you haven’t picked up on it yet, our goal is to supply you with your monthly condom needs.  We know how embarrassing it can be to buy condoms at the drug store.  Or how easy it is to forget them at the supermarket.  That’s why we created My Monthly Rubbers, a simple and easy solution for you.  Sign up once and receive condoms every month, for however long you need them.

Join us and tell your friends!


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