Tag Archives: food

Denny’s offers new competition. Nanerpus not included.

Denny’s – Seriously, bring back the Nanerpus.

Social media is not just for mobile developers and unemployed hipsters.   It’s for Grand Slams.  And no I’m not talking about some boring, weak ass sport like golf.  Or baseball.  I’m talking about “All I’ve got is $.99 and somehow I can buy pancakes, bacon, sausage, eggs and diarrhea” Grand Slams.  That’s right, Denny’s.  A restaurant that makes me proud to be an American.   Borderline illegal and definitely dangerous, Denny’s is the king of hangover cures and pancakes so bad African children refuse them.  But that has not stopped it from joining the social media orgy and creating its own mobile app.   Personally, I would have thought maybe it could spend some more time improving the recipes on its Value Menu. As a word of advice, I’d recommend sidestepping the $4 All You Can Eat Pancakes and instead invest that money into some Ipecac.  Same effect without all that maple syrup.

Anyway, the app is pretty awesome in the fact that if you turn it on anywhere, pour syrup on your phone and then eat it; it will taste just like you’re at Denny’s.  No really, I’m serious. Not only that but the app also allows you to check in and chat with fellow biscuit and gravy loving patrons about how awesome your scrambled eggs were and post photos of how your pancake came out looking like Snooki’s ass.

The app however was just beginning, as Denny’s has just announced the 50 State Challenge, a competition that has been described as “basically the Amazing Race except no cameras and a bunch of shitty pancakes”.  The deal is the first person (or hapless team of 3) to check in to a Denny’s in every single state (fuck off Puerto Rico) wins free Grand Slams for life.   Did you read that?  Free Grand Slams.  For Life.   Forget playing Powerball and your day job and take a road trip of awesome.  You control your destiny.  Actually that second mention about day jobs is probably irrelevant since if you’re willing to embark as the Zelda of Hotcakes, then your day job probably only involves collecting food stamps (obviously accepted at Denny’s).

I just feel bad for all those wife-beater wearing, child-beating friendly, residents in America’s rural trailer parks that would absolutely demolish this challenge in48 hours.  They just don’t have an iPhone.  Or any teeth to chew on that bacon.

Good luck and don’t forget to pack some Mylanta.

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3D Printing. Yeah, but can it make me a sandwich?

Forget the 3D printer. Hire a child to make you a sammy!

I’ll be the first to admit, technology is amazing.  Fuck sliced bread; give me more LED’s, LCD’s,  and a little LSD for good measure.  I’m craving some 7G technology.  You got a refrigerator  with fingerprint security to keep my beer safe from trolling roommates?  Great, I’ll take two.  A car that parks itself; sounds like a waste of my fucking time.  Are we so shitbrained  in a car that we forgot how to turn our steering wheel? Now, a car that can drive me home from the bar, stop at at Taco Bell and order me a a dozen crispy tacos.  That would be epic engineering.  I need that.

Speaking of technology, what happened to the follow through on smell-0-vision?  Did we realize that no one wants to watch NBA and get a giant whiff of Lebron’s taint as he man rapes the basket?  Oh what? You say I could smell food on TV then?  Sounds amazing, except, I don’t want to sit on my couch and watch a program about steak.  If I want to know about steak I’ll go to a fucking restaurant and eat one.  I bet they’ll even let me smell it too.  And don’t tell me that being able to watch food and smell it is an enhancement and a good alternative to the real thing as if it’s similar to what porn is to sex for us.  The biggest difference?  After porn I can jerk off and take a nap.  If I were to just smell some steak then I’m left with a giant food boner which can only be satisfied with, you guessed it, a steak.  I’m glad video killed the radio star, I just wish it would also kill people with bad ideas too.

But 3D printing, now that’s just, shit, I don’t know how I feel about this nonsense.  Before I decide I need to ask some tough questions like, how much does it cost, can it make me a sandwich and won’t this put a lot of those hard working Asians out of a job?  Last thing I want is to take American outsourced jobs away from the Chinese and give them to a machine in my living room.  That would just be, well, very un-American.  Unless of course I could hire a migrant worker to maintain my machine for $1 / hr.  That would be a little more American.

On the plus side to owning a 3D printer you you could make some really kickass decisions about buying something that you’d otherwise probably never get.  Wanna finally try out some numchucks on the neighbor’s dog who keeps shitting in your backyard?  No problem, just hit Print, practice your swing and presto.  Problem solved.  You just might need to print out a shovel though too.


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