Tag Archives: news

News Recap : Pee Wee fatty, 3D meat and Shark Week

This shirt has nothing to do with my article. Except it’s awesome.

What’s up America.  Thought I’d give a recap some news with you.  These are by far, the biggest stories.   Seriously, Iraq could drop the N Bomb all over the world and you’d still be hearing about these things first.  And for the record I was talking about the neutron bomb…

OK, we’ll start it out with the case of the 300 lb kid who isn’t allowed to play Pee Wee Football. Here are the facts.  The kid, Elijah, is 12 years old and weighs 300 lbs and the Pee Wee league has a rule limiting players to be under 135 lbs.  Damn Elijah, looks like you barely missed the cutoff.  Shit.  Maybe you should try P90X and then come back.  Or wait, maybe you should enter the NFL draft and quit crying.

Is this even open to discussion?  No shit he shouldn’t be playing Pee Wee Football.  For starters, it’s called Pee Wee for a reason, and any player whose dick is literally bigger than another player shouldn’t be allowed to compete.  Anyone else remember when they were 12?  I do, I weighed 80 pounds.  No way in hell I’d have played football with Elijah.  Would you let your son get tackled by Brian Urlacher?  No, I didn’t think so; not to mention Urlacher is 40 lbs lighter than Elijah.  On the other hand, Jenny McCarthy’s vagina has been tackled by Brian and she seems to be holding up well (for someone who’s almost 40).  Meanwhile, Elijah’s mom says he is the one coming home crying.  Hey Elijah, man the fuck up.   Clearly your balls haven’t grown as big as your gut.  Suit up, eat that bucket of cheeseburgers and go play with the “big” JV team. 

“Hey Elijah. This is what you’re missing biotch”

 

I came upon an article about some asshole trying to create 3D printed meat.  Apparently, billionaire Peter Thiel feels the environmental impact of raising cattle is far too great and we should switch to 3D meat.  (You may recall that I wrote about 3D foods earlier so I’m basically an expert on the topic). What is with the super wealthy trying to solve the common man’s problem?  It’s like they’re all in a club together and each week they get together to drink malt liquor and play truth or dare.  I can see it now…

Gates : “Hey Branson.  Branson!  Damn you and your beautiful hair. I say dear boy,  I bet you can’t take a shit  on the moon.”

Branson “Did that last week.”

Gates : “Hmph. You’ve bested me again dear chap”  (in my world Gates is British, it’s easier to hate him that way)

Buffet : “I’ve got one.  Let’s print meat and get the peasants to eat it”

Thiel : “You don’t think they’re that stupid do you?”

Gates : “They still use Windows don’t they?”

All : “Hahahah”

Hey rich guys, you worried about cow farts?  How about you feed the cows your money and shut up.  Wanna invent some new 3D printing?  How about reprinting your stacks o’ cash or streamlining those fleshlights.   Tell you what though, if you’ll be willing to print and eat a steak every day then I’ll give it a try.  Just put me in your will before you cut off a piece.  Fucking ridiculous.

Side note : My favorite line in the article was “its short-term goal is to create a slab of meat that’s one inch long.” I guess its long-term goal would to get an average, er, full sized, 5.5 inch slab of meat.

I printed this from a cow’s ass.

 

It’s Shark Week again this week.  Sharks are awesome and all but do we need a week for them, every year?  Or at least do we have to see the same type of stories / footage replayed each year.  I’m saying let’s change it up a bit.  I don’t fucking care about the surfer who had his leg bitten. Boring. I’ve had worse nights drinking with some Russians.  Then again, did the shark bite off his penis?  Then maybe we got a story.  Did a shark try and rape a human?  Maybe it’s not possible but I bet you’d get more viewers.  Hell, I’d DVR that episode.

I think they should make a new segment called Man vs Shark where a dude (I suggest a current inmate) goes all Bear Grylis and dives into a pool with only a snorkel mask and a sharpened toothbrush; fighting against a great white.  3 rounds of 2:00 minutes.  If the man survives he goes free, regardless of his crime.

Shark blowjobs suck. Nothing but teeth.


Back to blogging; Korean pop artists, cheesecake and Kate Upton

Holy strawberry shitcakes, I’ve been away from my blog for too long now.  I’d like to say that it’s because I was on an African safari or serving time for shoplifting Garth Brooks CD’s but neither would be true.  Besides, you know what they say, excuses are like Uncles who molest you.  Everyone’s got one and no one wants to hear about them.

Now, there’s a lot to cover and I’m not going to attempt all of it.  I’ll recap a few of the bullshit entertainment highlights of the past few weeks and hope that my head remains sufficiently removed from my anus so as to not let such a dry spell happen again.

Side Note : Like what you read but want me to write about other stuff?  Send me article ideas via the interweb and then shut the F up.

So…

In the world of music – f(x) finally stopped teasing us and released their latest album titled “Electric Shock”.  Not familiar with f(x) ?  Well that’s probably because you aren’t into South Korean girl pop bands.  And quite frankly, why the fuck aren’t you?  They’re young (Wikipedia tells me they are all almost 18), have almost learned how to sing (who isn’t into  screaming Asian girls? ) and make phenomenal music videos (actually the videos turn me on a little).  Fuck Maroon 5, fuck Bieber, fuck Usher and any other turd stain all-star that released albums in June.  F(x) has them all beat.  I dare you to watch any of their music videos and not vomit. Out of your wiener.  Other than music, F(x)’s biggest achievement is that if all 5 members stand on each other’s shoulders they can actually see over the counter at McDonald’s.  Too bad Ronald isn’t serving Kimchi, or any McDog sandwiches.

The band : f(x);  if Lady Gaga and Kim Jong Il had children.  Kind of hot right?

Seriously though,  the release of this album is the second thing to show up in a Google search of Top Stories for June 2012.

Holidays – So while I’ve been away the 4th of July happened. Yeah, pretty big deal over here in America.  If you’re unfamiliar with the holiday it’s when Americans get together in groups, set off explosives, cheer wildly and then die.  And while I understand that could be confused with an average day in the life of our military campaign in Afghanistan, I’m pretty sure the soldiers don’t get to eat American flag fruit cheesecake, get hammered on Coors Light and then drive their Dodge Ram into oncoming traffic.  Somehow the holiday celebrates our independence / supremacy as we demonstrate America’s utter inability to handle liquor and ignite fireworks.  Not to mention it subtly reminds everyone that no matter how much we apparently dislike China, we just bought $7 billion worth of Crayola explosives from them this year. Again.  Next year I’m just going to eat some bath salts and look through a kaleidoscopic.

American Flag Cheesecake.                                                                   George Washington would be proud.

Marissa Mayer at Yahoo (new CEO) –  One word for you, MILF.  Except she doesn’t have kids.  Whatever, if you’re over 30 and attractive, I don’t know another word to describe you.  Now, and I don’t mean this in a sexist way, but it’s really hard to take hot women seriously in high power positions.  I can take women in positions of power seriously and I can take hot women seriously.  Just not a mix of the two.  Example – a hot chick holding a whip dressed in crotch-less leather pants.  Serious.   Kate Upton eating a cheesburger.  Dead fucking serious.  Marissa Mayer working for Google.  Serious-ish.  Marissa as CEO of a wannabe Fortune 500 firm.  Sorry, just can’t do it.  Think about women of power, Hillary Clinton, Margaret Thatcher, Janet Reno, etc. Combined their total hot rank is like a 2.4.  I’d be more likely to have sex with an oven mitt than go on a date with them and help them shave their mustaches.  However, myself and most men included wouldn’t question, cross or doubt their decision making / power for a second.  Now that’s respect. Except Bill.  That wild card had the balls to cheat on his wife with a an uglier woman.

As for what Marissa Mayer should do with Yahoo?  1) Outsource.  2) Change the name to something that doesn’t remind me of a ladies bean  3) Grab the golden parachute and juuuuuuump.

I know why that star is smiling.

That’s it.  Pretty sure nothing else happened in June that is worth writing about.  Besides, I’m sort of craving Carl’s Jr. right now.


State of the Nation : Vaginas

Vaginas : Nature’s petri-dish

I have just come across an alarming news brief.  One that may shake the very bedrock of humanity, or at the very least, our beds.  As it turns out, we can longer live under the belief that [all vaginas] “are created equal”.   Gone are the days when we could wantonly assume that lady tacos shared common ingredients. Now it seems, they each have their own special recipe.

Hold on, hold on. Before you freak out and start drinking bleach because the world you know has ceased to exist, allow me to be more specific. I am referring to the “vaginal microbiota” that have set up camp in a woman’s ninja boot like a group of Occupy Wall Street assholes.

Ohhhhhh, thank Christ.  It’s just some vaginal microbiota.  Phew.

Wait.  What?

Yeah, turns out that, according to The University of Maryland, women have a “community of bacteria living in the vagina”.  A community?  Living?  Shit, I hope they’re paying rent.  Or at the very least buying the lady some dinner.  I’m rarely allowed one, maybe two minutes, inside of one without having labored tirelessly; buying flowers, meeting parents and sacrificing goats.   And these microbial douche bags have the audacity to take up residence like some entitled twat-squatters?

Excuse for the moment what this means for women, I mean, the whole ‘my vagina is as individual as a snowflake’ scientific discovery.  Honestly, I’m thrilled for all women and I hope Hallmark has a card for this.  Maybe they could tie it in with mother’s day.  “Happy Mother’s Day – Your vagina is like, one in a billion ”  It’s just that my excitement is hiding somewhere below the puke about to burst forth like that little girl in The Exorcist.

I’m a bit curious about what’s been accompanying, shall I say, all those snowflakes that have melted on my tongue.   Suddenly eating yellow snow doesn’t sound so bad.  I had no idea I had been consuming what can only be by this time, roughly 30 trillion pieces of bacteria.   Ugh.   I’m no doctor, but medically speaking, it sounds pretty freaking gross to know I’ve orally encountered “groups of bacterial communities” without so much as a proper introduction.

They have even named it Lactobacillus bacteria.  Lacto-what?  That name makes it sound, I don’t know, like all milky and shit.  But not in that good “oh I just thought of a delicious, chocolate and caramel Milky Way” way.  No, more like the “I just witnessed what happens to someone who drinks a gallon of milk” sort of a way.

Bottom line, now I want a Milky Way.


Facebook IPO

Plant the IPO seeds and watch them grow

So I just read that Facebook is poised to open the flood gates and finally give this world what it has been missing all these years, a good god damn all American titty-fucking Facebook IPO.  Yippee ki yay mister Zucker!  I’m pretty excited about it.  I’m getting a bit of a tech / stock boner right now.  Yes!  Finally, something else in this world that really has no direct impact on me but I can get pumped about.   Damn, I can’t wait to get jealous over the extra $873 trillion that Zuckerpucker is going to make and then suddenly depressed that my life isn’t like his and then behave poorly because of it.

Nah, actually I don’t give shit.  And neither should you.  Despite that, I bet plenty of people who will read about it and all the coin Zuckburger is about to make will get angry that their life isn’t like that.  And then to calm their nerves and make the pain go away will drink half a bottle of Beam and crash their car into a giant tree.

So to prevent,  at the very least some damaged trees, let me tell you how you how should react.  You shouldn’t.  You should be more concerned as whether or not there is sufficient tp in the bathroom next time you take a shit.  Or ask yourself whether you have enough Lucky Charms  ready for your next smoke sesh with the guys.  Yeah, once you put that into perspective you realize it doesn’t matter if Zuckerbag makes enough money to buy Colorado; your life isn’t going to be any different.  But if you have to duck waddle to the cupboard or settle for some fucking Cheerios, then, my friend, your life will be utterly and totally impacted.

But if you really care, contact your stock broker, promise him your first born or maybe just a handy  (or depending on the age of your first born, a handy from him) to see if he can get you listed for the IPO.  Just remember how many boxes of Lucky Charms you can get for that same $30.


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