What’s up America. Thought I’d give a recap some news with you. These are by far, the biggest stories. Seriously, Iraq could drop the N Bomb all over the world and you’d still be hearing about these things first. And for the record I was talking about the neutron bomb…
OK, we’ll start it out with the case of the 300 lb kid who isn’t allowed to play Pee Wee Football. Here are the facts. The kid, Elijah, is 12 years old and weighs 300 lbs and the Pee Wee league has a rule limiting players to be under 135 lbs. Damn Elijah, looks like you barely missed the cutoff. Shit. Maybe you should try P90X and then come back. Or wait, maybe you should enter the NFL draft and quit crying.
Is this even open to discussion? No shit he shouldn’t be playing Pee Wee Football. For starters, it’s called Pee Wee for a reason, and any player whose dick is literally bigger than another player shouldn’t be allowed to compete. Anyone else remember when they were 12? I do, I weighed 80 pounds. No way in hell I’d have played football with Elijah. Would you let your son get tackled by Brian Urlacher? No, I didn’t think so; not to mention Urlacher is 40 lbs lighter than Elijah. On the other hand, Jenny McCarthy’s vagina has been tackled by Brian and she seems to be holding up well (for someone who’s almost 40). Meanwhile, Elijah’s mom says he is the one coming home crying. Hey Elijah, man the fuck up. Clearly your balls haven’t grown as big as your gut. Suit up, eat that bucket of cheeseburgers and go play with the “big” JV team.
I came upon an article about some asshole trying to create 3D printed meat. Apparently, billionaire Peter Thiel feels the environmental impact of raising cattle is far too great and we should switch to 3D meat. (You may recall that I wrote about 3D foods earlier so I’m basically an expert on the topic). What is with the super wealthy trying to solve the common man’s problem? It’s like they’re all in a club together and each week they get together to drink malt liquor and play truth or dare. I can see it now…
Gates : “Hey Branson. Branson! Damn you and your beautiful hair. I say dear boy, I bet you can’t take a shit on the moon.”
Branson “Did that last week.”
Gates : “Hmph. You’ve bested me again dear chap” (in my world Gates is British, it’s easier to hate him that way)
Buffet : “I’ve got one. Let’s print meat and get the peasants to eat it”
Thiel : “You don’t think they’re that stupid do you?”
Gates : “They still use Windows don’t they?”
All : “Hahahah”
Hey rich guys, you worried about cow farts? How about you feed the cows your money and shut up. Wanna invent some new 3D printing? How about reprinting your stacks o’ cash or streamlining those fleshlights. Tell you what though, if you’ll be willing to print and eat a steak every day then I’ll give it a try. Just put me in your will before you cut off a piece. Fucking ridiculous.
Side note : My favorite line in the article was “its short-term goal is to create a slab of meat that’s one inch long.” I guess its long-term goal would to get an average, er, full sized, 5.5 inch slab of meat.
It’s Shark Week again this week. Sharks are awesome and all but do we need a week for them, every year? Or at least do we have to see the same type of stories / footage replayed each year. I’m saying let’s change it up a bit. I don’t fucking care about the surfer who had his leg bitten. Boring. I’ve had worse nights drinking with some Russians. Then again, did the shark bite off his penis? Then maybe we got a story. Did a shark try and rape a human? Maybe it’s not possible but I bet you’d get more viewers. Hell, I’d DVR that episode.
I think they should make a new segment called Man vs Shark where a dude (I suggest a current inmate) goes all Bear Grylis and dives into a pool with only a snorkel mask and a sharpened toothbrush; fighting against a great white. 3 rounds of 2:00 minutes. If the man survives he goes free, regardless of his crime.