Tag Archives: opinion

Denny’s offers new competition. Nanerpus not included.

Denny’s – Seriously, bring back the Nanerpus.

Social media is not just for mobile developers and unemployed hipsters.   It’s for Grand Slams.  And no I’m not talking about some boring, weak ass sport like golf.  Or baseball.  I’m talking about “All I’ve got is $.99 and somehow I can buy pancakes, bacon, sausage, eggs and diarrhea” Grand Slams.  That’s right, Denny’s.  A restaurant that makes me proud to be an American.   Borderline illegal and definitely dangerous, Denny’s is the king of hangover cures and pancakes so bad African children refuse them.  But that has not stopped it from joining the social media orgy and creating its own mobile app.   Personally, I would have thought maybe it could spend some more time improving the recipes on its Value Menu. As a word of advice, I’d recommend sidestepping the $4 All You Can Eat Pancakes and instead invest that money into some Ipecac.  Same effect without all that maple syrup.

Anyway, the app is pretty awesome in the fact that if you turn it on anywhere, pour syrup on your phone and then eat it; it will taste just like you’re at Denny’s.  No really, I’m serious. Not only that but the app also allows you to check in and chat with fellow biscuit and gravy loving patrons about how awesome your scrambled eggs were and post photos of how your pancake came out looking like Snooki’s ass.

The app however was just beginning, as Denny’s has just announced the 50 State Challenge, a competition that has been described as “basically the Amazing Race except no cameras and a bunch of shitty pancakes”.  The deal is the first person (or hapless team of 3) to check in to a Denny’s in every single state (fuck off Puerto Rico) wins free Grand Slams for life.   Did you read that?  Free Grand Slams.  For Life.   Forget playing Powerball and your day job and take a road trip of awesome.  You control your destiny.  Actually that second mention about day jobs is probably irrelevant since if you’re willing to embark as the Zelda of Hotcakes, then your day job probably only involves collecting food stamps (obviously accepted at Denny’s).

I just feel bad for all those wife-beater wearing, child-beating friendly, residents in America’s rural trailer parks that would absolutely demolish this challenge in48 hours.  They just don’t have an iPhone.  Or any teeth to chew on that bacon.

Good luck and don’t forget to pack some Mylanta.


Mitt Romney – He’s a real G(OP)

You must be this tall to ride Romney

Word has it that presidential wannabe Mitt “I’m really only a blue collar guy when I wear my blue Polo” Romney has clinched the Republican nomination by now amassing more than the  1,144 necessary delegates.   Romney said he felt “humbled” as he was seen climbing into his helicopter later that day. Today surely is a day like most others.

Now, this blog had avoided politics and its contenders but I felt as though The Romster, being the first Mormon and all to clinch the GOP primary was, you know, a bid deal, since this will probably be his last victory.  And as a fellow Mormon I could relate when Mitt was heard saying that his “[wife] drives a couple of Cadillacs.”  The story is nearly the same for me, except at my home, it is my wives that share a Hyundai.

But of all the presidential candidates in history that I pay no attention, Mitt Romoney is definitely the most relatable, average, ordinary guy out there on the stump.  Why, it wasn’t that long ago he commiserated with my ilk as he explained he too “is unemployed” and gets paid to speak but “not very much.”  I suppose when you you stack $375,000 on top of $200 million it does look like pennies.

He keeps solid, normal friends by which to polotik with on the trail, like Donald Trump and Donald Trump’s hair (a separate, legal entity).  Trump and Hair ™ claim to have raised something like 3 trazillion dollars in campaign funds.  Even now, the campaign is holding a raffle for for a “fantasy day with Trump” with tickets starting around $3 so that even the poorest of Americans will have to make the choice between buying an orange mocha frappuccino or investing in what is likely no one’s fantasy.  I personally have bought 400 tickets in hopes that when I win the day will include a tour of the Trump tour, visiting the set of The Apprentice and then banging Melania.  Otherwise, the way I see it, if I wanted to spend 24 hours with a pretentious GOP dickhole I could save my $3, buy a happy meal and trade that for a day with Limbaugh.  At least then we’d probably get high together.

Unfortunately the celebration for being the latest Grand Old Poon was short lived as later that day Romney’s crack team of social media gaffes released his own iPhone app to approximately 48 anxious users.  43 of them would later admit it was downloaded on accident thinking they had instead bought the latest Fart App.  Apparently Romney’s app allows you take a picture of yourself and then add one of Mitt’s custom phrases like “I’m with Mitt”, “Mitt’s the Shit” or “Mitt and Corporations are people.  And they are both my friends” banners to the photo, upload it to Facebook and receive 0 Likes.  The problem that emerged was that it misspells America, electing instead to write Amercia.   God damn it Mitt; just when I thought you and I had something in common you go and make yourself look like a complete idiot.  Well alright, maybe we’re not that far apart afterall.

♪ Amercia, fuck yeah.  ♫  Saving the world, every day. ♪

Man with 30 kids asks for lower child support; probably should ask for condoms.

Who has a daddy named Desmond?

Did anyone else hear about this?  I guess there’s some dude that’s been muff stuffin’ down in Tennessee and now has something like 30 kids.  According to the LA Times, this extremely virile man, a one Desmond Hatchett, has set a Knoxville record.  You’ve got to be fucking kidding me; this is setting a record?  Does that mean there were so many other dudes with 29 kids down in Knox County that it took the Roman warrior sperm of Mr. Hatchett to make  make it clear who’s the biggest fucking idiot in Tennessee?

I have to admit though, I don’t know what I’m more impressed about, the fact our record breaker found 11 women worth having sex with in Tennessee, or the fact that he’s not related to any of them.  The man is a true inspiration to all of us.  I never thought someone who works a minimum wage job could pull so much ass.  What was I thinking; working white collar and wearing condoms.  My game is weak.  But enough of singing his praise, he’s clearly got enough willing mouths for that one.

I am a little curious how something of this nature happens.   All that pot back in college hasn’t done much for my math skills but I think I still can handle basic arithmetic.  Let’s see, add 12 idiots, subtract their clothes, divide their legs and let them multiply.

No really, a couple of kids with the first woman I understand.  Sure, things fizzle and he has a couple more with a new lady. OK.  Even with the third family, I might cast a wondering glance but I’m not passing any serious judgement.  You can even justify a handful on some wild acid and whiskey filled weekends in your mid 20’s. But by the time he’s sausage stuffing the 8th and 9th women and having multiple kids with them, you have to ask yourself, have these women lost their fucking minds?! What the hell are they thinking, inviting this guy back like they’ve each got a punch card and they’re just one kid away from a free toaster.

And now he’s asking for help with his child support.  Shit, he should be asking someone to make him flashcards, help him learn all his kids names.   I mean, I do feel bad for the kids, since there’s a pretty good chance their lives will suck.

On the plus side they’re famous for a couple of days.  That’s gotta be worth at least $1.49.

Time Magazine’s breastfeeding MILF

“Sucking on my titties like you wanted me …”

(Photo Credit : Just Google “lucky + boobs”  Caption Credit : Those sweet ass opening lyrics of Fuck the Pain Away by Peaches)

Alright, I know I’m a little late to this party, but when the party is about titties, it’s a party that won’t be stopping early.  The party I’m talking about of course is that lady who pulled her boob out on Time magazine.  And then shoved it into the mouth of what appears to be an 11 year old boy.

First of all, I have not read the article but am completely prepared to unabatedly throw my opinion into the blogosphere; much like a polar bear eating a baby seal while it’s still alive. In other words: I don’t need no stinking invitation.   Apparently, the article is supposed to be about parenting or something else boring, but you could have fooled me; I thought it was an ad for step stools.

Come on now though, whose idea was it to put that blonde and her side boob on the cover of Time magazine? Shit, when I opened the mailbox I popped half wood until I realized it was just a kid on the other end of that nipple and not that imp from Game of Thrones in the midst of a little feeding session.  I feverishly flipped through the pages expecting to see that other dude from Thrones who runs the whore house shouting at some Mideaval milfs and midgets about how to find each other’s anal G spot with three knuckles.  You can imagine my disappointment to find a picture of some old dude with a baby talking about parenting.    Weak sauce.

But before we shake our heads and wag our fingers, I would like to step back and put myself into that child’s shoes.  Metaphorically speaking of course; since there’s no way I’d fit in those size 3 Osh KoshBGosh sneakers.  I mean, what must be going through his mind during this photo shoot?  “We usually do this with her pants off too”  or “How come I don’t get any Oreo’s with it this time?”  or maybe just a “What the fuck is going on”?  They say he’s only three but the kid’s got some great form.  Little guy don’t even need a bib anymore.

I want to know your thoughts.  Does this article make you thirsty?

Gmail Email Translation

Did you all see this?  Well, if you didn’t let me summarize briefly.  Google has taken another step in becoming God.  Next time you get an email in another language, Google will automatically translate it for you.  That’s right, next time you get an ad in Chinese appearing to sell you some knockoff penis enlargement pills you can finally read the fine print.

“Ho. Lee. Shit.” you’ll say, a frown creeping into your voice. “I had no idea those pills were made from monkey feces and all those unwanted baby girls.  Yuck.”

I just have one question for Google …where the hell was this feature when I was taking Spanish in high school??  God damn the kids have it good these days.  Let’s be honest, every stoner student too busy rolling papers to write one is going to be completing all his German book reports with Gmail in less time than it takes to lick a Zig Zag. Now, all one has to do is open a Wikipedia article, paste it into Gmail, send, receive, translate and print. How long does that take? Like, maybe 45 seconds. Max.  There’s not much else you can in that amount of time.  Although, I suppose if you’re in high school the sex your having (if any) has yet to reach that duration.   Not to mention the added bonus that since it’s a different language it’s technically not plagiarism. (note: that is probably not true).  Shit, and to think I spent all those hours learning my “uno, dos, tres” and “donde estan mis cervezas” the old fashioned way (copying my friends).

I was hoping that maybe we could take this technology and apply it to a far more pressing issue than translating knock off dick pill emails.  Could we, for the love of all things delicious, greasy and unnecessary at 3:00 am, install this Translate thingy at fast food drunk drive through windows!?  It seems like every time I pull up and order some ‘supersized McSharts’ or a ‘double wrapped triple shitty extra cheesy gordita breakfast turd sandwich’ the person on the other end is speaking 2nd grade level English or literally trying to speak to me through the asshole of his coworker.  A little help here please.

Oh, but I’ve got a better idea.  Forget the google translate thing at the drive-thru; save that for your chat room sex talks with underage girls from Russia (Or more likely, Chris Hansen and dare I hope, Stone Phillips from Dateline).  Instead, let’s install a breathalyzer at drive-thru order menus and turn them on after 10 pm.  If you pass, no big deal. You’re probably just some depressed fatty eating 7th meal at midnight anyway.  You’ve got enough problems.  But if you fail the  test, the staff gets to make you a combo meal of their choice.  That could mean you go home with 18 packets of ketchup, a pubic hair salad or maybe just get a bag of middle buns from a bunch of Big Mac’s.  Doesn’t matter, you probably won’t notice since you’ll be busy opening another beer.

Buenos noches America.


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