Tag Archives: romney

Election Night 2012: Party like you’re George W

“Mmmmm, kitty taste good.”

I’ve got election fever.  Voter diarrhea.  Politcal swampass.  Whatever you call it, I’m pumped for election night.  I’m popping Champagne and doing lines like G.W. on a bender at Yale.  Or the White House.  Tonight is bigger than if you took the Super Bowl, a U2 concert and every Harry Potter book and combined them all into one super-PACkacge of Bono-Madden-Hogwarts awesomeness.  It’s the greatest event of year.  NO dobut about it.

Yah, you’re probably thinking “Wait, how can this be better than like, THE OLYMPICS?  That was a showcase of the world.  That was truly spectacular.”  Ummmmm….Fuck the Olympics.  Who wants to watch Michael Phelps and Ryan Lochte jerk each other off in the pool anyway?  Don’t think so. Tonight is all about America, without us having to pretend to care about other countries.

Disclaimer : I would definitely party with Lochte on any night. Phelps can suck it.

Sure, I miss Palin on a night like this, with her can do attitude and intelligence of a moldy turd. I’m not sure Mitt Romney is much of a party animal; definitely nothing like his GOP predecessors.  It’s creepy, but if you hadn’t realized yet Mitt Romney can be rearranged to say Mormeny Tit.  Which pretty much says everything.  Sarah Heath Palin meanwhile can form ‘Ha Ha, Alpine Trash’.

“I blew a pirate for this hat. I’m such a rogue.”

Now they’re saying this election will be tighter than tweens twat, and what are the candidates doing on the last day?  Well, Obama was said to be shooting hoops with some homies back in Chi-town.  Even Scottie Pippen showed up to play, reportedly even picking up the president multiple times so he could ‘dunk like Jordan.’

Romeny, meanwhile was reported at a Ohio Wendy’s,  eating Frosty’s and stealing fries from fatties.  When eating someone’s fries, Mitt was heard saying he wouldn’t “double dip”, which was followed by the woman telling him he can “do anything he wants”.  You don’t have to be Dan Rather to know this woman will be voting for Romney’s greasy Bacanator.

“I am definitely not voting for this fool.”

No matter what the candidates were doing I hope you all finished your beers before you entered the polling booth.

Advertisements

Mitt Romney, Barbra Streisand and the McRib

 

Love me some Romney pics.

There is always plenty political fodder to talk about and I’d like to open with the remark of Mitt Romney in which he stated if he was a Mexican he’d have a better chance of winning the presidency.  Frankly, I’m loving that El Romney wants to reunite with his Mexican heritage, even if that heritage just refers to when his ancestors fled America so they could have a Mormon gangbang down in Tiajuana like some spring break co-eds.  Whatever.  No pasa nada.   I mean, even though Los Romneys are dying to storm the gates of Casa Blanca, all of a sudden all I’m wondering is if they’ve got a secret family recipe for some killer salsa.  Ay Carumba!

Forget Paul Ryan, he should have picked Jose Cuervo.

Meanwhile Hollywood chimed in, as one of my favorite [deepthroat] singers and quite possibly the most beautiful women to ever marry James Brolin, Barbra Streisand spoke out about the upcoming elections.  I was shocked, not only to read that Streisand is still alive, but also to know she has some ‘political opinions’ that apparently matter to the general public.   While I didn’t actually read her article, I took note that there were 890 that ‘Liked’ it on Facebook which leads me to assume they, like myself, had this in mind when they clicked it.

Streisand. So hot in the 1960’s.

And finally, to the great dismay of trailer parks across the nation,  there are news reports that the McRib will be delaying its 2012 appearance this year.   Like the birth of the baby Jesus, the holy McRib has postponed until the end of December, making it a perfect last minute gift idea for that person on your list who seems to have everything; everything except explosive diarrhea. This comes as a change from the original planned offering to take place in mid-October which would have made for some great Halloween activities like: “McRibbing” the neighbors trees, playing our favorite “bobbing for McRibs” and of course getting hammered and actually trying to eat one.

McRib; more real than God himself.


Mitt Romney – He’s a real G(OP)

You must be this tall to ride Romney

Word has it that presidential wannabe Mitt “I’m really only a blue collar guy when I wear my blue Polo” Romney has clinched the Republican nomination by now amassing more than the  1,144 necessary delegates.   Romney said he felt “humbled” as he was seen climbing into his helicopter later that day. Today surely is a day like most others.

Now, this blog had avoided politics and its contenders but I felt as though The Romster, being the first Mormon and all to clinch the GOP primary was, you know, a bid deal, since this will probably be his last victory.  And as a fellow Mormon I could relate when Mitt was heard saying that his “[wife] drives a couple of Cadillacs.”  The story is nearly the same for me, except at my home, it is my wives that share a Hyundai.

But of all the presidential candidates in history that I pay no attention, Mitt Romoney is definitely the most relatable, average, ordinary guy out there on the stump.  Why, it wasn’t that long ago he commiserated with my ilk as he explained he too “is unemployed” and gets paid to speak but “not very much.”  I suppose when you you stack $375,000 on top of $200 million it does look like pennies.

He keeps solid, normal friends by which to polotik with on the trail, like Donald Trump and Donald Trump’s hair (a separate, legal entity).  Trump and Hair ™ claim to have raised something like 3 trazillion dollars in campaign funds.  Even now, the campaign is holding a raffle for for a “fantasy day with Trump” with tickets starting around $3 so that even the poorest of Americans will have to make the choice between buying an orange mocha frappuccino or investing in what is likely no one’s fantasy.  I personally have bought 400 tickets in hopes that when I win the day will include a tour of the Trump tour, visiting the set of The Apprentice and then banging Melania.  Otherwise, the way I see it, if I wanted to spend 24 hours with a pretentious GOP dickhole I could save my $3, buy a happy meal and trade that for a day with Limbaugh.  At least then we’d probably get high together.

Unfortunately the celebration for being the latest Grand Old Poon was short lived as later that day Romney’s crack team of social media gaffes released his own iPhone app to approximately 48 anxious users.  43 of them would later admit it was downloaded on accident thinking they had instead bought the latest Fart App.  Apparently Romney’s app allows you take a picture of yourself and then add one of Mitt’s custom phrases like “I’m with Mitt”, “Mitt’s the Shit” or “Mitt and Corporations are people.  And they are both my friends” banners to the photo, upload it to Facebook and receive 0 Likes.  The problem that emerged was that it misspells America, electing instead to write Amercia.   God damn it Mitt; just when I thought you and I had something in common you go and make yourself look like a complete idiot.  Well alright, maybe we’re not that far apart afterall.

♪ Amercia, fuck yeah.  ♫  Saving the world, every day. ♪


%d bloggers like this: