I have just come across an alarming news brief. One that may shake the very bedrock of humanity, or at the very least, our beds. As it turns out, we can longer live under the belief that [all vaginas] “are created equal”. Gone are the days when we could wantonly assume that lady tacos shared common ingredients. Now it seems, they each have their own special recipe.
Hold on, hold on. Before you freak out and start drinking bleach because the world you know has ceased to exist, allow me to be more specific. I am referring to the “vaginal microbiota” that have set up camp in a woman’s ninja boot like a group of Occupy Wall Street assholes.
Ohhhhhh, thank Christ. It’s just some vaginal microbiota. Phew.
Yeah, turns out that, according to The University of Maryland, women have a “community of bacteria living in the vagina”. A community? Living? Shit, I hope they’re paying rent. Or at the very least buying the lady some dinner. I’m rarely allowed one, maybe two minutes, inside of one without having labored tirelessly; buying flowers, meeting parents and sacrificing goats. And these microbial douche bags have the audacity to take up residence like some entitled twat-squatters?
Excuse for the moment what this means for women, I mean, the whole ‘my vagina is as individual as a snowflake’ scientific discovery. Honestly, I’m thrilled for all women and I hope Hallmark has a card for this. Maybe they could tie it in with mother’s day. “Happy Mother’s Day – Your vagina is like, one in a billion ” It’s just that my excitement is hiding somewhere below the puke about to burst forth like that little girl in The Exorcist.
I’m a bit curious about what’s been accompanying, shall I say, all those snowflakes that have melted on my tongue. Suddenly eating yellow snow doesn’t sound so bad. I had no idea I had been consuming what can only be by this time, roughly 30 trillion pieces of bacteria. Ugh. I’m no doctor, but medically speaking, it sounds pretty freaking gross to know I’ve orally encountered “groups of bacterial communities” without so much as a proper introduction.
They have even named it Lactobacillus bacteria. Lacto-what? That name makes it sound, I don’t know, like all milky and shit. But not in that good “oh I just thought of a delicious, chocolate and caramel Milky Way” way. No, more like the “I just witnessed what happens to someone who drinks a gallon of milk” sort of a way.
Bottom line, now I want a Milky Way.