Tag Archives: technology

Back to blogging; Korean pop artists, cheesecake and Kate Upton

Holy strawberry shitcakes, I’ve been away from my blog for too long now.  I’d like to say that it’s because I was on an African safari or serving time for shoplifting Garth Brooks CD’s but neither would be true.  Besides, you know what they say, excuses are like Uncles who molest you.  Everyone’s got one and no one wants to hear about them.

Now, there’s a lot to cover and I’m not going to attempt all of it.  I’ll recap a few of the bullshit entertainment highlights of the past few weeks and hope that my head remains sufficiently removed from my anus so as to not let such a dry spell happen again.

Side Note : Like what you read but want me to write about other stuff?  Send me article ideas via the interweb and then shut the F up.

So…

In the world of music – f(x) finally stopped teasing us and released their latest album titled “Electric Shock”.  Not familiar with f(x) ?  Well that’s probably because you aren’t into South Korean girl pop bands.  And quite frankly, why the fuck aren’t you?  They’re young (Wikipedia tells me they are all almost 18), have almost learned how to sing (who isn’t into  screaming Asian girls? ) and make phenomenal music videos (actually the videos turn me on a little).  Fuck Maroon 5, fuck Bieber, fuck Usher and any other turd stain all-star that released albums in June.  F(x) has them all beat.  I dare you to watch any of their music videos and not vomit. Out of your wiener.  Other than music, F(x)’s biggest achievement is that if all 5 members stand on each other’s shoulders they can actually see over the counter at McDonald’s.  Too bad Ronald isn’t serving Kimchi, or any McDog sandwiches.

The band : f(x);  if Lady Gaga and Kim Jong Il had children.  Kind of hot right?

Seriously though,  the release of this album is the second thing to show up in a Google search of Top Stories for June 2012.

Holidays – So while I’ve been away the 4th of July happened. Yeah, pretty big deal over here in America.  If you’re unfamiliar with the holiday it’s when Americans get together in groups, set off explosives, cheer wildly and then die.  And while I understand that could be confused with an average day in the life of our military campaign in Afghanistan, I’m pretty sure the soldiers don’t get to eat American flag fruit cheesecake, get hammered on Coors Light and then drive their Dodge Ram into oncoming traffic.  Somehow the holiday celebrates our independence / supremacy as we demonstrate America’s utter inability to handle liquor and ignite fireworks.  Not to mention it subtly reminds everyone that no matter how much we apparently dislike China, we just bought $7 billion worth of Crayola explosives from them this year. Again.  Next year I’m just going to eat some bath salts and look through a kaleidoscopic.

American Flag Cheesecake.                                                                   George Washington would be proud.

Marissa Mayer at Yahoo (new CEO) –  One word for you, MILF.  Except she doesn’t have kids.  Whatever, if you’re over 30 and attractive, I don’t know another word to describe you.  Now, and I don’t mean this in a sexist way, but it’s really hard to take hot women seriously in high power positions.  I can take women in positions of power seriously and I can take hot women seriously.  Just not a mix of the two.  Example – a hot chick holding a whip dressed in crotch-less leather pants.  Serious.   Kate Upton eating a cheesburger.  Dead fucking serious.  Marissa Mayer working for Google.  Serious-ish.  Marissa as CEO of a wannabe Fortune 500 firm.  Sorry, just can’t do it.  Think about women of power, Hillary Clinton, Margaret Thatcher, Janet Reno, etc. Combined their total hot rank is like a 2.4.  I’d be more likely to have sex with an oven mitt than go on a date with them and help them shave their mustaches.  However, myself and most men included wouldn’t question, cross or doubt their decision making / power for a second.  Now that’s respect. Except Bill.  That wild card had the balls to cheat on his wife with a an uglier woman.

As for what Marissa Mayer should do with Yahoo?  1) Outsource.  2) Change the name to something that doesn’t remind me of a ladies bean  3) Grab the golden parachute and juuuuuuump.

I know why that star is smiling.

That’s it.  Pretty sure nothing else happened in June that is worth writing about.  Besides, I’m sort of craving Carl’s Jr. right now.


My thoughts on the new iPhone 5

Possibly the next iPhone.

So I’ve heard some rumors that Apple will release yet another version of the iPhone.  Yeah, you think?  Shit, I’m not known as an Apple fan, nor am I even that good at predictions (every time I watch Titanic I always get it wrong.  Yep, I think I’ll like it).  But even I could have guessed that Apple will release a new iPhone.  It’s called riding the gravy train, baby.  And even though he’s gone, Jobs is still shoveling coal into that big green cash colored locomotive.  I can hear him now “Lookout hipsters, were laying track and running train on your wallets!  Choo Choo!”

I read the article on my Droid, so let me summarize it in a completely unbiased manner.  The next iPhone will boast a microwavable safe Teflon-plutonium hybrid case, a 23 megapixel camera front facing camera for Skyping your titties, a 34 megapixel rear facing camera for some epic penis photos and its screen will be made from pieces of the sun.

Alright, so maybe those were some slight exaggerations, but remember, I was paraphrasing after my evening cocktails.  My point is … what the fuck.  Why are we adding megapixels like spoonfuls of mashed potatoes at Old Country Buffet?  All this pixelating is falsely convincing your average everyday beefwhistle that he is a good photographer.  “Hey look Herman, I just took a photo of a rock.  Since my screen is so clear then this must be an awesome photo.  I mean, it’s just a rock, but it’s so clear.  It moves me.”  Herman, please tell your friend Iver, that no one gives a shit about his picture of a rock.  And no amount of Instagram novelty bullshit is going to make the photo better.  Just make sure he adds his rock to his list of friends when he posts it on Facebook.

And how many times can Apple convince us that the case is different and better?  Let’s be honest, the iPhone is going to be made of the cheapest material that it can get those fast fingered wizards to glue together over at Foxconn.  Liquid metal?  Sounds like what T-1000 was made of.  In other words, it sounds like something that doesn’t exist.  “Hey Florence, check out my phone.  It’s made from Unicorn semen and solid gas.”

Maybe instead of all these superficial bullshit ideas Apple could make some real, substantive alterations that might personalize the phone instead of giving the world a bunch of mass produced dillholes. Take this Siri software that I keep seeing talking to Samuel L. Jackson and trying to teach the poor guy how to make soup.  I think each user should be able to pick Siri’s gender, voice and attitude.  You want a drunk Russian sailor cursing directions at you or some slutty MILF repeating what you’re texting grandma?  No problem, Siri Vlad and Siri Mrs. Jones have you covered.

And I’d like to see those tech masters over in that Apple bunker to come up with some real, helpful changes.  Determine and flag all phone numbers of ex-girlfriends, ex-one night stands, and ex-bar bathroom blowjobs and disable the use of text messaging to them after 1:00 am (8:00 pm Friday or Saturday).  Or, and hear me out; maybe they could write some algorithm that would determine which of those numbers would lead to a higher chance of a successful late night, ill-advised (but super fun) drunk bang party.

Hell, considering the cost of the fucking thing you’d think the battery would get through at least a couple episodes of Mad Men (or a handful of redtube vids). Or borrow the same technology that Timex mastered in the 1800’s and provide some sort of water / beer-proofing for those times your phone ends up in a Solo cup. I mean, there’s nothing worse than you’re phone dying after you win pong but before those freshmen hotties start making out.

iPhone 5, almost as good as the iPhone 6.


3D Printing. Yeah, but can it make me a sandwich?

Forget the 3D printer. Hire a child to make you a sammy!

I’ll be the first to admit, technology is amazing.  Fuck sliced bread; give me more LED’s, LCD’s,  and a little LSD for good measure.  I’m craving some 7G technology.  You got a refrigerator  with fingerprint security to keep my beer safe from trolling roommates?  Great, I’ll take two.  A car that parks itself; sounds like a waste of my fucking time.  Are we so shitbrained  in a car that we forgot how to turn our steering wheel? Now, a car that can drive me home from the bar, stop at at Taco Bell and order me a a dozen crispy tacos.  That would be epic engineering.  I need that.

Speaking of technology, what happened to the follow through on smell-0-vision?  Did we realize that no one wants to watch NBA and get a giant whiff of Lebron’s taint as he man rapes the basket?  Oh what? You say I could smell food on TV then?  Sounds amazing, except, I don’t want to sit on my couch and watch a program about steak.  If I want to know about steak I’ll go to a fucking restaurant and eat one.  I bet they’ll even let me smell it too.  And don’t tell me that being able to watch food and smell it is an enhancement and a good alternative to the real thing as if it’s similar to what porn is to sex for us.  The biggest difference?  After porn I can jerk off and take a nap.  If I were to just smell some steak then I’m left with a giant food boner which can only be satisfied with, you guessed it, a steak.  I’m glad video killed the radio star, I just wish it would also kill people with bad ideas too.

But 3D printing, now that’s just, shit, I don’t know how I feel about this nonsense.  Before I decide I need to ask some tough questions like, how much does it cost, can it make me a sandwich and won’t this put a lot of those hard working Asians out of a job?  Last thing I want is to take American outsourced jobs away from the Chinese and give them to a machine in my living room.  That would just be, well, very un-American.  Unless of course I could hire a migrant worker to maintain my machine for $1 / hr.  That would be a little more American.

On the plus side to owning a 3D printer you you could make some really kickass decisions about buying something that you’d otherwise probably never get.  Wanna finally try out some numchucks on the neighbor’s dog who keeps shitting in your backyard?  No problem, just hit Print, practice your swing and presto.  Problem solved.  You just might need to print out a shovel though too.


Facebook IPO

Plant the IPO seeds and watch them grow

So I just read that Facebook is poised to open the flood gates and finally give this world what it has been missing all these years, a good god damn all American titty-fucking Facebook IPO.  Yippee ki yay mister Zucker!  I’m pretty excited about it.  I’m getting a bit of a tech / stock boner right now.  Yes!  Finally, something else in this world that really has no direct impact on me but I can get pumped about.   Damn, I can’t wait to get jealous over the extra $873 trillion that Zuckerpucker is going to make and then suddenly depressed that my life isn’t like his and then behave poorly because of it.

Nah, actually I don’t give shit.  And neither should you.  Despite that, I bet plenty of people who will read about it and all the coin Zuckburger is about to make will get angry that their life isn’t like that.  And then to calm their nerves and make the pain go away will drink half a bottle of Beam and crash their car into a giant tree.

So to prevent,  at the very least some damaged trees, let me tell you how you how should react.  You shouldn’t.  You should be more concerned as whether or not there is sufficient tp in the bathroom next time you take a shit.  Or ask yourself whether you have enough Lucky Charms  ready for your next smoke sesh with the guys.  Yeah, once you put that into perspective you realize it doesn’t matter if Zuckerbag makes enough money to buy Colorado; your life isn’t going to be any different.  But if you have to duck waddle to the cupboard or settle for some fucking Cheerios, then, my friend, your life will be utterly and totally impacted.

But if you really care, contact your stock broker, promise him your first born or maybe just a handy  (or depending on the age of your first born, a handy from him) to see if he can get you listed for the IPO.  Just remember how many boxes of Lucky Charms you can get for that same $30.


Gmail Email Translation

Did you all see this?  Well, if you didn’t let me summarize briefly.  Google has taken another step in becoming God.  Next time you get an email in another language, Google will automatically translate it for you.  That’s right, next time you get an ad in Chinese appearing to sell you some knockoff penis enlargement pills you can finally read the fine print.

“Ho. Lee. Shit.” you’ll say, a frown creeping into your voice. “I had no idea those pills were made from monkey feces and all those unwanted baby girls.  Yuck.”

I just have one question for Google …where the hell was this feature when I was taking Spanish in high school??  God damn the kids have it good these days.  Let’s be honest, every stoner student too busy rolling papers to write one is going to be completing all his German book reports with Gmail in less time than it takes to lick a Zig Zag. Now, all one has to do is open a Wikipedia article, paste it into Gmail, send, receive, translate and print. How long does that take? Like, maybe 45 seconds. Max.  There’s not much else you can in that amount of time.  Although, I suppose if you’re in high school the sex your having (if any) has yet to reach that duration.   Not to mention the added bonus that since it’s a different language it’s technically not plagiarism. (note: that is probably not true).  Shit, and to think I spent all those hours learning my “uno, dos, tres” and “donde estan mis cervezas” the old fashioned way (copying my friends).

I was hoping that maybe we could take this technology and apply it to a far more pressing issue than translating knock off dick pill emails.  Could we, for the love of all things delicious, greasy and unnecessary at 3:00 am, install this Translate thingy at fast food drunk drive through windows!?  It seems like every time I pull up and order some ‘supersized McSharts’ or a ‘double wrapped triple shitty extra cheesy gordita breakfast turd sandwich’ the person on the other end is speaking 2nd grade level English or literally trying to speak to me through the asshole of his coworker.  A little help here please.

Oh, but I’ve got a better idea.  Forget the google translate thing at the drive-thru; save that for your chat room sex talks with underage girls from Russia (Or more likely, Chris Hansen and dare I hope, Stone Phillips from Dateline).  Instead, let’s install a breathalyzer at drive-thru order menus and turn them on after 10 pm.  If you pass, no big deal. You’re probably just some depressed fatty eating 7th meal at midnight anyway.  You’ve got enough problems.  But if you fail the  test, the staff gets to make you a combo meal of their choice.  That could mean you go home with 18 packets of ketchup, a pubic hair salad or maybe just get a bag of middle buns from a bunch of Big Mac’s.  Doesn’t matter, you probably won’t notice since you’ll be busy opening another beer.

Buenos noches America.

 


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