Ladies, there are a bunch of stupid lists out there of ideas to give your MAN for Christmas. I’ve read them all and they’re all pretty much dog shit. Does anyone need another bottle opener? A fucking scarf? Oh, it’s a custom bottle opening scarf? Well in that case, I’ll take one. Choke me with it please. Holy bleeding anus those are bad. If I get any of those I’m going to blow my brains out, but not before I beat your children. Too far? Alright, I won’t shoot myself.
This list is NON-bull shit. It’s real. Read it and get shopping.
1) Plastic Surgery – No, not for him. Your man is probably perfect, since that’s how men are. This would be for you. Go get your titties bigger or your gut shrunk or your FUPA removed. Do it, do it fast. If you get it done now the swelling should go down by Christmas.
2) A sandwich – I know this sounds simple and easy and small and that’s the point. If it’s so simple, and easy and small then give this gift EVERY DAY. What’s that saying…”a sammy a day keeps the fists at bay”?
3) A blowjob – You don’t have to buy it or wrap it or anything. Just BAM! Christmas morning put your mouth where your face is and talk to the cock. If you already go down on your man regularly consider getting him a blowjob from someone else. Like your hot friend.
4) Tickets to Vegas – What man doesn’t want to go to Sin City where he can blow his money on chicks, his mind on blow, and his wad on both. Hell yeah! Vegas Baby! Just make sure your name isn’t on the second ticket. Buzz kill.
5) A monthly condom subscription – Listen, we know your man is getting laid every month, whether or not it’s with you is none of our business. So why not give a little so he can come a lot. And just to make him feel better, buy the MAGNUMS.
I guarantee there is at least one thing on this list that EVERY MAN WANTS.