Word has it that presidential wannabe Mitt “I’m really only a blue collar guy when I wear my blue Polo” Romney has clinched the Republican nomination by now amassing more than the 1,144 necessary delegates. Romney said he felt “humbled” as he was seen climbing into his helicopter later that day. Today surely is a day like most others.
Now, this blog had avoided politics and its contenders but I felt as though The Romster, being the first Mormon and all to clinch the GOP primary was, you know, a bid deal, since this will probably be his last victory. And as a fellow Mormon I could relate when Mitt was heard saying that his “[wife] drives a couple of Cadillacs.” The story is nearly the same for me, except at my home, it is my wives that share a Hyundai.
But of all the presidential candidates in history that I pay no attention, Mitt Romoney is definitely the most relatable, average, ordinary guy out there on the stump. Why, it wasn’t that long ago he commiserated with my ilk as he explained he too “is unemployed” and gets paid to speak but “not very much.” I suppose when you you stack $375,000 on top of $200 million it does look like pennies.
He keeps solid, normal friends by which to polotik with on the trail, like Donald Trump and Donald Trump’s hair (a separate, legal entity). Trump and Hair ™ claim to have raised something like 3 trazillion dollars in campaign funds. Even now, the campaign is holding a raffle for for a “fantasy day with Trump” with tickets starting around $3 so that even the poorest of Americans will have to make the choice between buying an orange mocha frappuccino or investing in what is likely no one’s fantasy. I personally have bought 400 tickets in hopes that when I win the day will include a tour of the Trump tour, visiting the set of The Apprentice and then banging Melania. Otherwise, the way I see it, if I wanted to spend 24 hours with a pretentious GOP dickhole I could save my $3, buy a happy meal and trade that for a day with Limbaugh. At least then we’d probably get high together.
Unfortunately the celebration for being the latest Grand Old Poon was short lived as later that day Romney’s crack team of social media gaffes released his own iPhone app to approximately 48 anxious users. 43 of them would later admit it was downloaded on accident thinking they had instead bought the latest Fart App. Apparently Romney’s app allows you take a picture of yourself and then add one of Mitt’s custom phrases like “I’m with Mitt”, “Mitt’s the Shit” or “Mitt and Corporations are people. And they are both my friends” banners to the photo, upload it to Facebook and receive 0 Likes. The problem that emerged was that it misspells America, electing instead to write Amercia. God damn it Mitt; just when I thought you and I had something in common you go and make yourself look like a complete idiot. Well alright, maybe we’re not that far apart afterall.
♪ Amercia, fuck yeah. ♫ Saving the world, every day. ♪