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Dark Knight Rises – I’d rather have Bateman over Batman

“Because Alfred, how hard is it to poach an egg!!”

So I just went to Dark Knight Rises last night and I’m going to write a review.  Why? Because I have a computer, internet and I already masturbated, so I’ve got nothing else to do for an hour.  Oh, and it’s going to be a negative review.  Why a negative review?  Because everyone and their grandma thinks TDKR is super duper fucking awesome and frankly I’m sick of them and Rotten Tomatoes sucking the dick of Nolan and Bale like they completed a perfect trilogy.  I mean, what do they think this is, The Mighty Ducks!?

Attention : Spoiler Alert.  This review will divulge information about the movie that may giveaway certain plot details, like for one, that the plot reminded me of a steaming pile of pig semen.  So, I guess, reader beware.

I’ll make a list in no particular order of the things I remember not liking about the movie.  Frankly, I was pretty stoned so my memory may leave out some other [shitty] things.  And before you say “You dope head, you’re dope smoking obviously made the movie worse” I will say this :  Do you smoke dope?  Because if you do, than you know dope smoking makes everything more awesome, like eating cheeseburgers, finger banging and going to the god damn movies. And if you don’t, you should start.

1)  Bane makes day traders on Wall Street look like a bunch of mitten munching puss holes who scare easily.  We’re talking about a breed of people that would short a stock to kill their grandma if it meant they’d hit their bonus. That is a breed of crazy, and crazy does not scare easily.

2) Bane sounded like a Sean Connery.  To be specific, he sounded like a Sean Connery who was getting jerked off by a Thai hooker.  At any point I was expecting him to welcome us to The Rock and/or drop to his knees and orgasm so hard his pipe cleaner mask would explode.  Bane posing as Connery : Scare Factor 2 / 10  : Erotic Factor 8 / 10.  I mean, come on, Sean Connery is pretty hot.

3) That Miranda chick.  Turns out in the end, she is the child of Ra ah Gul, not Bane.  I felt tricked and hurt to find out that slut Miranda a) seduced poor billionaire Bruce Wayne into fireside fuck fest, only to stab him later.  And b) she was able to jump across some ledge as a little girl when Batman, a god damn Superhero, failed.  I mean, come on, who expects us to believe that little girl made that jump when Batman couldn’t make it?  We all know men jump farther than women.

4) Was Catwoman a lesbian?  While this technically is not a reason for negative criticism, Nolan failing to play this up and not show her scissoring her blonde friend is an obvious FAIL. Seriously, there was a scene when her blonde chick ‘friend’ is hugging her, possibly with her hands caressing Catwoman’s vagina and the way she talked made it seem like they were female f-buddies.  Which would have been great, except the most we got of Hathaway was her kissing Bale like a couple of school kids. There ought to have been a little 3-some scene like that one Bale did in American Psycho.

Batman ain’t got shit on Bateman.

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