Monthly Archives: July 2012

Dark Knight Rises – I’d rather have Bateman over Batman

“Because Alfred, how hard is it to poach an egg!!”

So I just went to Dark Knight Rises last night and I’m going to write a review.  Why? Because I have a computer, internet and I already masturbated, so I’ve got nothing else to do for an hour.  Oh, and it’s going to be a negative review.  Why a negative review?  Because everyone and their grandma thinks TDKR is super duper fucking awesome and frankly I’m sick of them and Rotten Tomatoes sucking the dick of Nolan and Bale like they completed a perfect trilogy.  I mean, what do they think this is, The Mighty Ducks!?

Attention : Spoiler Alert.  This review will divulge information about the movie that may giveaway certain plot details, like for one, that the plot reminded me of a steaming pile of pig semen.  So, I guess, reader beware.

I’ll make a list in no particular order of the things I remember not liking about the movie.  Frankly, I was pretty stoned so my memory may leave out some other [shitty] things.  And before you say “You dope head, you’re dope smoking obviously made the movie worse” I will say this :  Do you smoke dope?  Because if you do, than you know dope smoking makes everything more awesome, like eating cheeseburgers, finger banging and going to the god damn movies. And if you don’t, you should start.

1)  Bane makes day traders on Wall Street look like a bunch of mitten munching puss holes who scare easily.  We’re talking about a breed of people that would short a stock to kill their grandma if it meant they’d hit their bonus. That is a breed of crazy, and crazy does not scare easily.

2) Bane sounded like a Sean Connery.  To be specific, he sounded like a Sean Connery who was getting jerked off by a Thai hooker.  At any point I was expecting him to welcome us to The Rock and/or drop to his knees and orgasm so hard his pipe cleaner mask would explode.  Bane posing as Connery : Scare Factor 2 / 10  : Erotic Factor 8 / 10.  I mean, come on, Sean Connery is pretty hot.

3) That Miranda chick.  Turns out in the end, she is the child of Ra ah Gul, not Bane.  I felt tricked and hurt to find out that slut Miranda a) seduced poor billionaire Bruce Wayne into fireside fuck fest, only to stab him later.  And b) she was able to jump across some ledge as a little girl when Batman, a god damn Superhero, failed.  I mean, come on, who expects us to believe that little girl made that jump when Batman couldn’t make it?  We all know men jump farther than women.

4) Was Catwoman a lesbian?  While this technically is not a reason for negative criticism, Nolan failing to play this up and not show her scissoring her blonde friend is an obvious FAIL. Seriously, there was a scene when her blonde chick ‘friend’ is hugging her, possibly with her hands caressing Catwoman’s vagina and the way she talked made it seem like they were female f-buddies.  Which would have been great, except the most we got of Hathaway was her kissing Bale like a couple of school kids. There ought to have been a little 3-some scene like that one Bale did in American Psycho.

Batman ain’t got shit on Bateman.
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Back to blogging; Korean pop artists, cheesecake and Kate Upton

Holy strawberry shitcakes, I’ve been away from my blog for too long now.  I’d like to say that it’s because I was on an African safari or serving time for shoplifting Garth Brooks CD’s but neither would be true.  Besides, you know what they say, excuses are like Uncles who molest you.  Everyone’s got one and no one wants to hear about them.

Now, there’s a lot to cover and I’m not going to attempt all of it.  I’ll recap a few of the bullshit entertainment highlights of the past few weeks and hope that my head remains sufficiently removed from my anus so as to not let such a dry spell happen again.

Side Note : Like what you read but want me to write about other stuff?  Send me article ideas via the interweb and then shut the F up.

So…

In the world of music – f(x) finally stopped teasing us and released their latest album titled “Electric Shock”.  Not familiar with f(x) ?  Well that’s probably because you aren’t into South Korean girl pop bands.  And quite frankly, why the fuck aren’t you?  They’re young (Wikipedia tells me they are all almost 18), have almost learned how to sing (who isn’t into  screaming Asian girls? ) and make phenomenal music videos (actually the videos turn me on a little).  Fuck Maroon 5, fuck Bieber, fuck Usher and any other turd stain all-star that released albums in June.  F(x) has them all beat.  I dare you to watch any of their music videos and not vomit. Out of your wiener.  Other than music, F(x)’s biggest achievement is that if all 5 members stand on each other’s shoulders they can actually see over the counter at McDonald’s.  Too bad Ronald isn’t serving Kimchi, or any McDog sandwiches.

The band : f(x);  if Lady Gaga and Kim Jong Il had children.  Kind of hot right?

Seriously though,  the release of this album is the second thing to show up in a Google search of Top Stories for June 2012.

Holidays – So while I’ve been away the 4th of July happened. Yeah, pretty big deal over here in America.  If you’re unfamiliar with the holiday it’s when Americans get together in groups, set off explosives, cheer wildly and then die.  And while I understand that could be confused with an average day in the life of our military campaign in Afghanistan, I’m pretty sure the soldiers don’t get to eat American flag fruit cheesecake, get hammered on Coors Light and then drive their Dodge Ram into oncoming traffic.  Somehow the holiday celebrates our independence / supremacy as we demonstrate America’s utter inability to handle liquor and ignite fireworks.  Not to mention it subtly reminds everyone that no matter how much we apparently dislike China, we just bought $7 billion worth of Crayola explosives from them this year. Again.  Next year I’m just going to eat some bath salts and look through a kaleidoscopic.

American Flag Cheesecake.                                                                   George Washington would be proud.

Marissa Mayer at Yahoo (new CEO) –  One word for you, MILF.  Except she doesn’t have kids.  Whatever, if you’re over 30 and attractive, I don’t know another word to describe you.  Now, and I don’t mean this in a sexist way, but it’s really hard to take hot women seriously in high power positions.  I can take women in positions of power seriously and I can take hot women seriously.  Just not a mix of the two.  Example – a hot chick holding a whip dressed in crotch-less leather pants.  Serious.   Kate Upton eating a cheesburger.  Dead fucking serious.  Marissa Mayer working for Google.  Serious-ish.  Marissa as CEO of a wannabe Fortune 500 firm.  Sorry, just can’t do it.  Think about women of power, Hillary Clinton, Margaret Thatcher, Janet Reno, etc. Combined their total hot rank is like a 2.4.  I’d be more likely to have sex with an oven mitt than go on a date with them and help them shave their mustaches.  However, myself and most men included wouldn’t question, cross or doubt their decision making / power for a second.  Now that’s respect. Except Bill.  That wild card had the balls to cheat on his wife with a an uglier woman.

As for what Marissa Mayer should do with Yahoo?  1) Outsource.  2) Change the name to something that doesn’t remind me of a ladies bean  3) Grab the golden parachute and juuuuuuump.

I know why that star is smiling.

That’s it.  Pretty sure nothing else happened in June that is worth writing about.  Besides, I’m sort of craving Carl’s Jr. right now.


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