Why go on Spring Break 2013?

Spring Break is fast approaching and that means college students are getting wet with excitement for a week of drinking, banging, smoking and partying.  Which will be a huge change of pace from their typical weekends of partying, smoking, banging and drinking. God damn, kids these days know how to do it right.

What’s the big deal about Spring Break, you ask?  Well, assuming you’re not some turtleneck wearing twathole you realize that Spring Break means copious amounts of … drinking, banging, smoking and partying.  And this…

This pretty much sums it all up.

And now the Top 4 Reasons to go on Spring Break 2013!

 ANONYMITY – It’s pronounced “ah-nuh-nim-uh-tee” you fucking neanderthal.  Didn’t you learn anything when you got your grade 10?  It means NO ONE will know WHO YOU ARE.   Sure, you’ll have your crew with you but they won’t hold you back.  I mean, you weren’t trying to deepthroat your buddy.  Right?  Anonymity means when you  hit on and FAIL to capture that pussy flag one hundred times in a row, it won’t matter.  None of those bitches from your school will see it happen and you’ll still have a million other chicks to try your best pick up line on.  So go ahead and try that “Are you tired / Did it hurt /Do you like anal” pick up line.  Just remember, there’s a flip side too; which means when you wake up with Chlamydia oozing from your cock you won’t even know which of the 34 chicks it could have been from, much less which shitty Arizona state school she attends. Yeah, I’m looking at you Sun Devils.  You make me sick.

“Hi, my name is my fingers are inside you”

Volunteering is overrated – Let me get this straight, you get a week from the tortures of college life and you want to fly to some dirty, impoverished country and build a house for a bunch of bloated belly natives?  Wow, cool.  I bet you think your virginity is sacred too?  Listen, you’ll have plenty of time to hang out with poor people when you graduate and realize your student debt of -$130,000 is going to force you to work an average of 93 hours a week at 4 different Taco Bell’s because you spent 6 years getting a degree in left handed masturbation when you should have gone to community college.  But there weren’t any 3somes at community college and there weren’t any SPRING BREAK parties either.  So treat yourself to another undeserved week of fun in the sun and go to Mexico this year.  Maybe you’ll pick up the language too, which will help when you’re competing with Pablo for a job after you graduate.  Can you say “Yo quiero un trabajo”?  Bummer, because Pablo can.

“Who still has their virginity?”

BEEEEEEEER – You think you drank a lot leading up to Spring Break?  Well, yah, you probably did and that’s why you have a 2.3 GPA even with 2 Art classes.  Never mind that, it’s time to do what you were born to do.  Or maybe in your case, what your mother did right before you were born.  Yuuuuuup, it’s time to DRINK.  I’ve read that economic indicators have indicated that statistics estimate approximately every college student on spring break will consume what scientists have called a “fuck load of beer”. And that was the conservative estimate.  Spring Break is a time and place where the beer flows like wine even if you don’t go to Aspen. It’s your opportunity to prove everyone wrong and finally complete a 60 Second Keg Stand! Quit acting like the failure your parents know you are and show the world you actually learned something in science class.

“Look Mom, no hands”

Boob Contests – Ask a girl on the street to flash you her titties and you’ll probably get maced or leave with a lacerated scrotum.  Tell two chicks on the beach that they should flash their titties because you need to decide who’s are better and you get a fucking booby contest.  Maybe it’s the booze, maybe it’s the sun or maybe it’s because despite what they say all woman want to show off their body in front of thousands of men and have them gaze upon their bodies while they eye-fuck the shit out of them.  Whatever the reason, a titty contest on Spring Break is as if you took your average wet t-shirt contest, rolled it up in a joint and snowcapped it with cocaine infused steroids.    Rrrrrgghhhhhh.  It’s just pure blissful mega-erection rage.

“Hey, quit staring at me creep”

Hey if you want to hang out we’ll be down in Panama City Beach handing out condoms and judging the talent.

Interview with a Penis : An Infographic

Copy the entire link below to embed this into your blog.
<a href="http://mymonthlyrubbers.com/"><img title="Interview with a Penis" alt="penis infographic" src="https://thisdamnworld.files.wordpress.com/2013/02/lifeofpenis22.png" width="591" height="4600" />

Condoms or Babies : An Infographic

We gladly present our first infographic outlining the humorous and very, very serious reasons a man should wrap it up.  The facts presented below are just that, facts.  You won’t need to Google anything, it’s accurate. 

Copy the entire link below to embed this into your blog.

<a href="http://mymonthlyrubbers.com/"><img title="Condoms vs Babies" alt="CondomorBaby" src="https://thisdamnworld.files.wordpress.com/2013/01/infographicbaby4.png" width="490" height="2348" />

Top 4 New Year’s Resolutions FAIL

It’s the New Year and we all know what that means, hopelessly lying to ourselves about false promises for things we can’t accomplish.  That’s right, it’s time for everyone to make more bullshit New Years Resolutions.  Why do we seem so intent on lying to ourselves at the beginning of every year only to fall flat on our faces by mid-February?  I’m not sure, but I think it’s because most of you are weak, pathetic and poor.

Your chance for success without my help.

Below is a list of the Top 4 most proclaimed resolutions that people fail to achieve.  I’m here to help you though, by providing you viable alternatives; consider it your classic red pill / blue pill situation.  Except you’re not Keanu Reeves.  You’re just some loser who can’t…

1) Quit Smoking.  Holy shit, have you ever had a cigarette?  Those little bastards are fucking delicious, there is no way you want to give those up.  Smoking is almost as good as having sex.  In fact, experiments have proven that masturbating while chain smoking is actually more awesome than going balls deep.   I’m no scientist, but how do you think you’re going to be able to give up something like that?  Nah, you’re going to need cigarettes when you try and

This guy smokes AND he’s president. You can too.

Quit doing meth.  Sure, you don’t do it yet; but lucky for you, meth is easy to get into.  So, get addicted to that shit and then quit.  You’ll look like a superhero, well, a superhero with scratch marks on your face.  But you’ll be successful.  The thing is, you’re going to need cigarettes to help you quit meth though, you’ll want to lean hard on something and booze and nicotine will probably help ween you off that crank habit.  And once you stop smoking the White Crunch you’ll probably think you can…

2) Spend less time on Facebook/Twitter/Social Media.  No, please, no.  Don’t stop.  God forbid you come out of your fucking earplug-smartphone-dungeon of anti-social solitude and fucking interact with other people.  I mean shit, I’ve read your tweets and I’m definitely sure I don’t want to actually hear your voice, lest you say anything that resembles that split-pea shit soup that you post 100 times a day. Every single day.  Besides, then I’d miss all those pics of you kissing your dog. And quite frankly, those are hot. I usually pretend that the dog is me and that you’re a different dog.  It’s weird.  It’s hot.  Instead, why don’t you

Use some more tongue next time. Please.

Get a job.  Go work at Pinkberry, Orange Leaf or Brown Hole, or somewhere equally mind blowing.  At least there you can chat with your fellow tweens and other vexatious v-holes in person and you can quit using up all the space on the interweb so that some of us can download songs and stuff, at faster speeds.  This way you can be on the cutting edge technology of what candy bar goes best with mango-guava-froyo and giggle about it while you and your coworkers get hard talking about Bieber and his latest single “My boyfriend had my Baby”.  Besides a job might even help you…

3) Get out of debt.  Dude, you just borrowed $120,000 to “go to college”, which means somehow you spent $120,000 worth of PBR tallboys, lap dances and dub sacks of Purple Haze.  You’re a fucking train wreck with a Bachelor’s degree in Fine Arts who couldn’t save a roll of nickles if they were taped inside your anus.  And now you think you’re going to click your heels together and Obama is going to wave a wand and wipe away your debt?   Good luck, that guy isn’t even an American citizen.  It’s all laughable, almost as laughable as the fact that you went to a public school.   I hope those sluts were worth it.  Why don’t you set your sights a little lower and

Biggest mistake this guy made is on his finger.

Get rid of your credit cards.  Sure, this isn’t going to cure cancer but it will help stop the bleeding.  Besides, everything fun and essential can be bought with cash.  Need some gummy worms and ice cream for those munchies?  Buy them with cash at the 711.  Need to pick up an 8 ball of blow?  Pay your dealer with cash.  Think about what credit cards do for you!  They get you into trouble; overcharging, maxing out, taking out new cards and overextending yourself, etc.  Now think what cash does for you.  You can bribe someone in any country without even speaking the language.  Cash is virtually untraceable, accepted by the sex industry and recognized world wide.  Cash is king, baby.  You might still be filing for bankruptcy but the IRS won’t know how much you got under your mattress.  All that stuffing might be exhausting but you still need to…

4) Go on a Diet.  Oh please, really?  You’ve been fat for 35 years and you think now you’re going to lose that gut?  Unlikely.  In fact, I’d be willing to bet right now you’re either eating a jelly donut or touching yourself while you read this.  I’m doing both and it’s wrecking havoc on my typing skills.  Jelly is everywhere.   Anyway, I’m willing to bet that Santa brought you some lame Apple iPud fuel band this year instead of a healthy dose of willpower; you know, that little something you need to actually do something besides download apps telling you how many hours you jerked your wrist and sat on your ass.  My record is 14 consecutive hours.  (Didn’t lose a single pound, lost a couple ounces though).   Well news flash, there is no app that will turn your ginormous ass into something anyone wants to crawl into.  No, that will take exercise and dedication and a bunch of other shit you can’t do and can’t buy and won’t find in the bottom of that box of Frosted Cocoa Mini Dongs you just finished.  So don’t bother setting yourself up for failure, instead ..

Might I suggest a ‘final solution’?

Kill yourself.  Honestly, I’m running out of things that you will achieve.  This one is a very measurable, easy to accomplish, solution. It’s also very permanent.  Frankly though, how long do you really want to be fat?

Advice for End of the World

Watch out. It’s coming.

It’s the end of the world.  IT’S THE END OF THE FUCKING WORLD!

Tomorrow.

Shit, I hope we figured out how to clone James Bond by then, because we’re going to need, like, 7 of him to save us. (4 of Sean Connery and 3 of Daniel Craig versions.  Fuck Pierce Brosnan).

But fear not my friends and fellow interwebbers, despite the impending apocalyptic-holocaustic-analprobing-doomsday we’re about encounter, help is not out of reach.  Not yet.  Help is here, here like those last two squares of toilet paper after you just shit out a gallon of baby food – it’s here, it’s just up to you to make the most of it.

And unlike those snake oil selling douche bags  that convinced you buy to generators and canned peas during the year 2000 meltdown, I will not suggest anything nearly as stupid.   Instead I humbly bestow upon you 3 pieces of advice taken straight from the pages of God himself.

1) Download and SAVE some Porn.

The internet will likely be the first thing that spontaneously combusts tomorrow, along with Wall Street and your blender.  And when it happens you don’t want to be one of those assholes who falls to his knees like the prom queen when your 4G evaporates mid-tweet.  Don’t be that guy.  Because if you’re that guy, than you got bigger problems besides telling a world of idiots that your shoelaces remind you of spaghetti.  Like this mother fucker.

What’s your bigger problem?  Well, not only are you shit outta luck about your tweet feed, now you’re shit outta luck about your twat feed.  That’s why it’s recommended you buy an external hard drive as soon as yesterday, and immediately begin downloading porn. That’s spelled P-O-R-N with a capital Pussy. Lots of it.  Minimum 1 TB.  And don’t stick to just your favorites.  Get weird.  You need to remember that it’s the end of the world and no one knows what will save them or help them feel safe amidst the madness.  Maybe the “you of today” likes to play it safe with your typical blonde lesbians and occasional Bang Bros episode  but the “you post Armageddon” is going to need some of that hot girl-on-zebra and extreme midget orgy shit.  Don’t underestimate the post-tramatic stress that will rage on your dick.  You’ll thank me later.  Of course if you have a girlfriend or some other wiener cushion you could just keep her safe and use, er, love, her in a sexually demanding and aggressive way.  It’s the end of the world afterall.

Like this. Get lots of this.

2)  Food.

Yah, you’ll need to eat. But don’t waste your time stocking up on SPAM, there will be plenty of dead bodies that taste like SPAM if you really want.  You need to fill your shelves with the good shit that they’ll stop making once all the workers evaporate in the flames of the anti-Christ.  Things like Pop-Tarts, ketchup and those seasoning packets inside of Top Ramen.  That’s a fucking Bear Grylls Survivorman breakfast right there.  You think Keebler and his fruity elves are going to survive the impending shitstorm in that tinder box tree fort just to keep making you little pieces of snack heaven?  Don’t count on it champ.   Locate the nearest Super-Duper-Pooper-WalMart immediately and begin purchasing everything in aisles 17 and 23.  And avoid the other patrons. That goes for any trip you make there.

I said Pop-Tarts! Don’t waste your time with Strudels. That kind of shit will get you killed.

3) Buy some condoms.

Look, this might seem silly or even like a pathetic plug for our company but it’s sound advice.  Male or female alike, you’re about to enter the end of the world, it will be a dark and unsavory place filled with similar people.  Money will be worthless and strength and muscle will prevail over brains.  Think a hillbilly with an AK-47 is going to give a damn what that bow tie wearing economist who couldn’t bench press a pickle has to say?  No.  He’ll shoot the economist and rape his wife.  It will be pure anarchy.  All you can hope for is a little common sense in the process.

ENTER THE CONDOMS.

You see, just because there will be volcanoes and other tragic shit happening, doesn’t mean we can’t all remember to wear a rubber.  Just imagine you and your gang of woodland thieves happens upon a domicile infested with large breasted lust mongers?  Well obviously you’re gonna bang.  No sense in risking an STD though.  Last thing you want at the end of the world is an itchy dick.  That would suck.

Think this looks bad? That’s how your dick will feel if you don’t wear a rubber.           Wrap it up bro.

While you’re at it, but yourself a condom subscription.  Get one here.

4 Tips for College Finals 2012

This has nothing to do with studying.  But it should.

It’s that time of year again, the time when mistletoe is hung between the legs, candy cane colored vomit is found all over the dorm bathrooms and semester finals are taken.   It can be quite the academic dilemma, how does one attend the Christmas Kegger and study for that Economics exam?  Shit, you’ve got some serious opportunity costs to consider.  Not to mention that party will probably be a ‘Santa and Sluts’ themed event.  You don’t want to miss that one.  No way.   So what do you do?

No worries, we’ve scoured the web for the best tips to help you maximize your studying so you can make it to the party in time for the EverClear EggNog.

 

Number 1 –  Study in groups with attractive students   There is strong evidence suggesting that the more attractive your study partners are, the more likely you are to show up to the study group.   And since showing up is like, 60% of the work, you’re guaranteed to at least pass.  It’s also possible that studying in groups allows you the opportunity to pick the smartest from the group and sit next to them during the final.   Not to mention when there’s a group someone might bring snacks.

 

Number 2 – Cram   Don’t bother studying for weeks in advance.  That won’t work and you’ll be wasting valuable time you could be testing your new theory on how to properly shot-gun a beer (remember to breath through your nose) and finally beating Halo 4 on Legendary.  Both of those take time, patience and follow through.  But when it comes to studying, practice doesn’t make perfect, heroes can be born overnight.  As long as they have enough coffee, fruit snacks and Adderall. Cramming has mountains of anecdotal evidence of being used by millions of students every year.  Ergo, it must be effective.  Why else would everyone be doing it?

Bonus Tip : If that pill you bought off the kid down the hall has the letters ‘CR’ imprinted on the side then crush it up for a stronger, more effective “study high”.

 

Number 3 – Meet with the teacher  It is highly suggested to go to office hours to talk with your teacher before any exam. Better yet, show up to their home.  This will show them how committed you truly are to their class.  Besides, since their noon class is typically interrupting your sleep, you might as well return the favor with a midnight visit.  When you do visit your teacher, make sure to get a good understanding of their policy on cheating and whether or not they have good vision.

 

Number 4 – Talk to people who have taken the class.  There is always a chance that someone saved a copy of the exam that you can copy and hopefully your teacher is too lazy to make a new copy.  This is more likely for 2nd semester courses since the professors are just repeating the same bullshit from the first semester.  If you find someone who took the class and has a copy of the test but won’t give it to you consider exchanging sexual favors or physical intimidation.  Hats off to those that combine the two.

 

That’s it, those are your college finals study tips for 2012.  Best of luck!   Oh, and if you believe in the end of world bullshit happening in December than forget what I said and immediately begin drinking Rumplemintz and watching Christmas Vacation.

And stay tuned for our article on Tips for cheating on College Finals.

How to Save Money in College : Part 1

Students, teachers, faculty (no, not The Faculty) and mascots.  Welcome to Part 1 of of 30 part series entitled “How To Save Money in College … so I can spend it on scented candles, cocaine and other cool shit”

Here I will provide you with my hazy memories and limited wisdom on how to save your cash in college to ultimately spend your cash on something else.  Today’s pearl of wisdom comes straight from my own experiences at college and I’m telling you NOT TO BUY YOUR COLLEGE TEXTBOOKS.

Anyone can read a book. Anyone.

No 1. Don’t buy the college textbooks – Not only are college textbooks boring, heavy to carry and full of big words, they’re also expensive.  Your college thinks you won’t notice but even Club 420 members are going to notice a $143 price tag on that Anatomy 101.  Who the hell needs a book on anatomy anyway?  Didn’t we all learn that little girls are made of sugar and spice and little boys are made of puppy dog tails?  Which, come to think of it, doesn’t make sense, because last time I ate a girl I clearly don’t remember any sugar.  Plenty of spice though.   Hell, maybe you should get that Anatomy 101 book. JUST DON’T BUY IT.  

Here’s what you do.

MOST colleges are required to have their library stock at least 1 copy of every book that any class offers.  So after you attend classes the first week and get your list of “required books” (don’t worry, you never need your book the first week), get the book list and then head over to the library. You can either photocopy everything for a fraction of the cost (or for free if you get a job at the library) or just keep the book all semester.  Your overdue fees will be less than the book.

Or take the book and hide it in some secret place in the library and come back to it whenever you need.  Then there’s no overdue fines or photocopy fees.

That’s today’s tip.  And speaking of tips, make sure to wrap yours when having sex.  There’s no better way to protect your wiener from the Clap or her vagina from Babies than with a rubber.  And there’s no better way to buy them than with a condom subscription from My MonthlyRubbers.  It’s Easy, Fast and very, very f***ing CHEAP.

Top 5 Christmas Gift Ideas for Men (dirty)

“It doesn’t sound like a blowjob”

Ladies, there are a bunch of stupid lists out there of ideas to give your MAN for Christmas.  I’ve read them all and they’re all pretty much dog shit.  Does anyone need another bottle opener?  A fucking scarf?  Oh, it’s a custom bottle opening scarf?  Well in that case, I’ll take one.  Choke me with it please.  Holy bleeding anus those are bad.  If I get any of those I’m going to blow my brains out, but not before I beat your children.  Too far?  Alright, I won’t shoot myself.

This list is NON-bull shit.  It’s real.  Read it and get shopping.

1)  Plastic Surgery – No, not for him.  Your man is probably perfect, since that’s how men are.  This would be for you.  Go get your titties bigger or your gut shrunk or your FUPA removed.  Do it, do it fast.  If you get it done now the swelling should go down by Christmas.

2)  A sandwich – I know this sounds simple and easy and small and that’s the point.  If it’s so simple, and easy and small then give this gift EVERY DAY.  What’s that saying…”a sammy a day keeps the fists at bay”?

3)  A blowjob – You don’t have to buy it or wrap it or anything.  Just BAM!  Christmas morning put your mouth where your face is and talk to the cock.  If you already go down on your man regularly consider getting him a blowjob from someone else.  Like your hot friend.

4) Tickets to Vegas – What man doesn’t want to go to Sin City where he can blow  his money on chicks, his mind on blow, and his wad on both.  Hell yeah! Vegas Baby!  Just make sure your name isn’t on the second ticket.  Buzz kill.

5) A monthly condom subscription – Listen, we know your man is getting laid every month, whether or not it’s with you is none of our business.  So why not give a little so he can come a lot.   And just to make him feel better, buy the MAGNUMS.

I guarantee there is at least one thing on this list that EVERY MAN WANTS.

Buy your condom subscription today!!

Get one at http://mymonthlyrubbers.com

The Pill : Sell it like condoms?

I just read an article discussing the merits of allowing female birth control to be sold over the counter like condoms.  Apparently, the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, or what I like to call, The School of Muff, just declared their support for this to go into effect.

Now, although the college laid out what it believes to be rational reasoning, we have taken it upon ourselves to play Devil’s Advocate and provide possible pitfalls, however unlikely they are.

birth control – gobble ’em up!

1) Addiction –  We’ve seen it before; if you can pop it, snort it, or swallow it, then someone is going to abuse it.  I don’t care if it gets you high or not, people are Class A Shitheads when it comes to trying to abuse drugs.    Think I’m kidding?  Remember your classmates who snorted Pixie Stix?  Yeah, those boners will be the ones crushing up a month’s worth of baby-blockers and heating up in a spoon.

2) Men will be asked to buy it – Once something becomes Over The Counter it falls prey to the possibility that some girlfriend is going to ask her man to “just pick it up while he’s at the store”.  Sounds harmless enough, but this will end in tragedy.   All too often men get distracted looking at power tools and the cashiers’ tits only to grab the wrong product, returning home with medical gauze and a box of Tic Tacs instead of vagina pads and The Pill.

3)  Bureaucrats  – We don’t have specific numbers for you, but we expect getting this approved by the FDA will involve someone having to “go down on” some bureaucrats to get this passed.  And having gotten a glimpse of the candidates this past election, we’re pretty sure that’s something we should all try to avoid.

If you need birth control and you want to STOP BABIES and AVOID STD’s then use a rubber.  And there is no better way than with a condom subscription.

Join the club and protect your chub!   http://mymonthlyrubbers.com

Measure B; good for business, bad for cum-shot lovers

Before I get started I want you all to know the hardest part writing this was deciding if cum shot is one word, two words or needed a hyphen.  I made the mistake of trying to Google it.  No clear answer, although I did get a hard on.  Shit, is that one word?? Hardon?  As in james hardon.  Yah, my boner plays for the Rockets.  And it dunks.

Anyway…

So the polls are closed, the voting is over, the dust has settled and I’m late to the feeding trough.  Fuck it.  The constitution says I can say what I want even if I’m late.  And I want to talk about California and Measure B.  And while we’re on the topic of the Constituion, quite frankly I think this new initiative infringes on our 69th Ammendment : The Right to Free Nut Busting.  And by the way, California, if you want to make a new law, how about considering one that prohibits Schwarzenegger from making any more movies.   Or just elect him for another term, that would be as entertaining as Expendables 2.

So this Measure B could have big implications for masturbation WORLDWIDE.  I mean, if this really is as bad as they make it sound, then the $89 bazillion trillion porn industry might suddenly collapse, leaving most Masturbation Expert Natives (MEN) hazardously sporting raging boners without any suitable porn to watch since the sex studios all went out of business.  And now with these raging boners and nothing to satisfy them, these  MEN won’t be able to focus at work and they’ll get fired pushing the economy down into the anus of Satan and eventually everyone will be unemployed and, and and…Fuck.

That sounds bad; bad like Lindasy Lohan finding an 8-ball under her drivers seat and not pulling over first to snort it.  But that is probably unlikely.  Unless you’ve read all these articles on Measure B (which I haven’t) and you actually believe this will impact you.  Let’s be honest, if you read any news, then you’re probably looking at free porn to begin with and you won’t notice that you no longer are getting your 2.32 minute long “facial compilations” in your Redtube stream anymore, you’re too busy checking for the latest Naughty MILF of the week.

And let me remind you, should Measure B actually materialize into something real (i.e. enforcable) than My Monthly Rubbers could stand to make billions.  Just think of all those sticky ropes we could be netting with our rubbers if we signed a contract with Peter North or someone else with a bunch of jizz who normally blasts faces like fucking Hurricane Sandy.   We’d be so rich.  Alas, we aren’t.  We need you to subscribe.  Please?

Measure B : It could mean digging out our old ‘spank bank’.