It’s the end of the world. IT’S THE END OF THE FUCKING WORLD!
Shit, I hope we figured out how to clone James Bond by then, because we’re going to need, like, 7 of him to save us. (4 of Sean Connery and 3 of Daniel Craig versions. Fuck Pierce Brosnan).
But fear not my friends and fellow interwebbers, despite the impending apocalyptic-holocaustic-analprobing-doomsday we’re about encounter, help is not out of reach. Not yet. Help is here, here like those last two squares of toilet paper after you just shit out a gallon of baby food – it’s here, it’s just up to you to make the most of it.
And unlike those snake oil selling douche bags that convinced you buy to generators and canned peas during the year 2000 meltdown, I will not suggest anything nearly as stupid. Instead I humbly bestow upon you 3 pieces of advice taken straight from the pages of God himself.
1) Download and SAVE some Porn.
The internet will likely be the first thing that spontaneously combusts tomorrow, along with Wall Street and your blender. And when it happens you don’t want to be one of those assholes who falls to his knees like the prom queen when your 4G evaporates mid-tweet. Don’t be that guy. Because if you’re that guy, than you got bigger problems besides telling a world of idiots that your shoelaces remind you of spaghetti. Like this mother fucker.
What’s your bigger problem? Well, not only are you shit outta luck about your tweet feed, now you’re shit outta luck about your twat feed. That’s why it’s recommended you buy an external hard drive as soon as yesterday, and immediately begin downloading porn. That’s spelled P-O-R-N with a capital Pussy. Lots of it. Minimum 1 TB. And don’t stick to just your favorites. Get weird. You need to remember that it’s the end of the world and no one knows what will save them or help them feel safe amidst the madness. Maybe the “you of today” likes to play it safe with your typical blonde lesbians and occasional Bang Bros episode but the “you post Armageddon” is going to need some of that hot girl-on-zebra and extreme midget orgy shit. Don’t underestimate the post-tramatic stress that will rage on your dick. You’ll thank me later. Of course if you have a girlfriend or some other wiener cushion you could just keep her safe and use, er, love, her in a sexually demanding and aggressive way. It’s the end of the world afterall.
Yah, you’ll need to eat. But don’t waste your time stocking up on SPAM, there will be plenty of dead bodies that taste like SPAM if you really want. You need to fill your shelves with the good shit that they’ll stop making once all the workers evaporate in the flames of the anti-Christ. Things like Pop-Tarts, ketchup and those seasoning packets inside of Top Ramen. That’s a fucking Bear Grylls Survivorman breakfast right there. You think Keebler and his fruity elves are going to survive the impending shitstorm in that tinder box tree fort just to keep making you little pieces of snack heaven? Don’t count on it champ. Locate the nearest Super-Duper-Pooper-WalMart immediately and begin purchasing everything in aisles 17 and 23. And avoid the other patrons. That goes for any trip you make there.
3) Buy some condoms.
Look, this might seem silly or even like a pathetic plug for our company but it’s sound advice. Male or female alike, you’re about to enter the end of the world, it will be a dark and unsavory place filled with similar people. Money will be worthless and strength and muscle will prevail over brains. Think a hillbilly with an AK-47 is going to give a damn what that bow tie wearing economist who couldn’t bench press a pickle has to say? No. He’ll shoot the economist and rape his wife. It will be pure anarchy. All you can hope for is a little common sense in the process.
ENTER THE CONDOMS.
You see, just because there will be volcanoes and other tragic shit happening, doesn’t mean we can’t all remember to wear a rubber. Just imagine you and your gang of woodland thieves happens upon a domicile infested with large breasted lust mongers? Well obviously you’re gonna bang. No sense in risking an STD though. Last thing you want at the end of the world is an itchy dick. That would suck.