Category Archives: humor

Why go on Spring Break 2013?

Spring Break is fast approaching and that means college students are getting wet with excitement for a week of drinking, banging, smoking and partying.  Which will be a huge change of pace from their typical weekends of partying, smoking, banging and drinking. God damn, kids these days know how to do it right.

What’s the big deal about Spring Break, you ask?  Well, assuming you’re not some turtleneck wearing twathole you realize that Spring Break means copious amounts of … drinking, banging, smoking and partying.  And this…

This pretty much sums it all up.

This pretty much sums it all up.

And now the Top 4 Reasons to go on Spring Break 2013!

 ANONYMITY – It’s pronounced “ah-nuh-nim-uh-tee” you fucking neanderthal.  Didn’t you learn anything when you got your grade 10?  It means NO ONE will know WHO YOU ARE.   Sure, you’ll have your crew with you but they won’t hold you back.  I mean, you weren’t trying to deepthroat your buddy.  Right?  Anonymity means when you  hit on and FAIL to capture that pussy flag one hundred times in a row, it won’t matter.  None of those bitches from your school will see it happen and you’ll still have a million other chicks to try your best pick up line on.  So go ahead and try that “Are you tired / Did it hurt /Do you like anal” pick up line.  Just remember, there’s a flip side too; which means when you wake up with Chlamydia oozing from your cock you won’t even know which of the 34 chicks it could have been from, much less which shitty Arizona state school she attends. Yeah, I’m looking at you Sun Devils.  You make me sick.

anonymity

“Hi, my name is my fingers are inside you”

Volunteering is overrated – Let me get this straight, you get a week from the tortures of college life and you want to fly to some dirty, impoverished country and build a house for a bunch of bloated belly natives?  Wow, cool.  I bet you think your virginity is sacred too?  Listen, you’ll have plenty of time to hang out with poor people when you graduate and realize your student debt of -$130,000 is going to force you to work an average of 93 hours a week at 4 different Taco Bell’s because you spent 6 years getting a degree in left handed masturbation when you should have gone to community college.  But there weren’t any 3somes at community college and there weren’t any SPRING BREAK parties either.  So treat yourself to another undeserved week of fun in the sun and go to Mexico this year.  Maybe you’ll pick up the language too, which will help when you’re competing with Pablo for a job after you graduate.  Can you say “Yo quiero un trabajo”?  Bummer, because Pablo can.

volunteer

“Who still has their virginity?”

BEEEEEEEER – You think you drank a lot leading up to Spring Break?  Well, yah, you probably did and that’s why you have a 2.3 GPA even with 2 Art classes.  Never mind that, it’s time to do what you were born to do.  Or maybe in your case, what your mother did right before you were born.  Yuuuuuup, it’s time to DRINK.  I’ve read that economic indicators have indicated that statistics estimate approximately every college student on spring break will consume what scientists have called a “fuck load of beer”. And that was the conservative estimate.  Spring Break is a time and place where the beer flows like wine even if you don’t go to Aspen. It’s your opportunity to prove everyone wrong and finally complete a 60 Second Keg Stand! Quit acting like the failure your parents know you are and show the world you actually learned something in science class.

Science class finally pays off.

“Look Mom, no hands”

Boob Contests – Ask a girl on the street to flash you her titties and you’ll probably get maced or leave with a lacerated scrotum.  Tell two chicks on the beach that they should flash their titties because you need to decide who’s are better and you get a fucking booby contest.  Maybe it’s the booze, maybe it’s the sun or maybe it’s because despite what they say all woman want to show off their body in front of thousands of men and have them gaze upon their bodies while they eye-fuck the shit out of them.  Whatever the reason, a titty contest on Spring Break is as if you took your average wet t-shirt contest, rolled it up in a joint and snowcapped it with cocaine infused steroids.    Rrrrrgghhhhhh.  It’s just pure blissful mega-erection rage.

contests

“Hey, quit staring at me creep”

Hey if you want to hang out we’ll be down in Panama City Beach handing out condoms and judging the talent.

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Interview with a Penis : An Infographic

lifeofpenis2
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<a href="http://mymonthlyrubbers.com/"><img title="Interview with a Penis" alt="penis infographic" src="https://thisdamnworld.files.wordpress.com/2013/02/lifeofpenis22.png" width="591" height="4600" />


Condoms or Babies : An Infographic

We gladly present our first infographic outlining the humorous and very, very serious reasons a man should wrap it up.  The facts presented below are just that, facts.  You won’t need to Google anything, it’s accurate. 

infographicbaby

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<a href="http://mymonthlyrubbers.com/"><img title="Condoms vs Babies" alt="CondomorBaby" src="https://thisdamnworld.files.wordpress.com/2013/01/infographicbaby4.png" width="490" height="2348" />

Top 4 New Year’s Resolutions FAIL

It’s the New Year and we all know what that means, hopelessly lying to ourselves about false promises for things we can’t accomplish.  That’s right, it’s time for everyone to make more bullshit New Years Resolutions.  Why do we seem so intent on lying to ourselves at the beginning of every year only to fall flat on our faces by mid-February?  I’m not sure, but I think it’s because most of you are weak, pathetic and poor.

Your chance for success without my help.

Below is a list of the Top 4 most proclaimed resolutions that people fail to achieve.  I’m here to help you though, by providing you viable alternatives; consider it your classic red pill / blue pill situation.  Except you’re not Keanu Reeves.  You’re just some loser who can’t…

1) Quit Smoking.  Holy shit, have you ever had a cigarette?  Those little bastards are fucking delicious, there is no way you want to give those up.  Smoking is almost as good as having sex.  In fact, experiments have proven that masturbating while chain smoking is actually more awesome than going balls deep.   I’m no scientist, but how do you think you’re going to be able to give up something like that?  Nah, you’re going to need cigarettes when you try and

This guy smokes AND he’s president. You can too.

Quit doing meth.  Sure, you don’t do it yet; but lucky for you, meth is easy to get into.  So, get addicted to that shit and then quit.  You’ll look like a superhero, well, a superhero with scratch marks on your face.  But you’ll be successful.  The thing is, you’re going to need cigarettes to help you quit meth though, you’ll want to lean hard on something and booze and nicotine will probably help ween you off that crank habit.  And once you stop smoking the White Crunch you’ll probably think you can…

2) Spend less time on Facebook/Twitter/Social Media.  No, please, no.  Don’t stop.  God forbid you come out of your fucking earplug-smartphone-dungeon of anti-social solitude and fucking interact with other people.  I mean shit, I’ve read your tweets and I’m definitely sure I don’t want to actually hear your voice, lest you say anything that resembles that split-pea shit soup that you post 100 times a day. Every single day.  Besides, then I’d miss all those pics of you kissing your dog. And quite frankly, those are hot. I usually pretend that the dog is me and that you’re a different dog.  It’s weird.  It’s hot.  Instead, why don’t you

Twit faves

Use some more tongue next time. Please.

Get a job.  Go work at Pinkberry, Orange Leaf or Brown Hole, or somewhere equally mind blowing.  At least there you can chat with your fellow tweens and other vexatious v-holes in person and you can quit using up all the space on the interweb so that some of us can download songs and stuff, at faster speeds.  This way you can be on the cutting edge technology of what candy bar goes best with mango-guava-froyo and giggle about it while you and your coworkers get hard talking about Bieber and his latest single “My boyfriend had my Baby”.  Besides a job might even help you…

3) Get out of debt.  Dude, you just borrowed $120,000 to “go to college”, which means somehow you spent $120,000 worth of PBR tallboys, lap dances and dub sacks of Purple Haze.  You’re a fucking train wreck with a Bachelor’s degree in Fine Arts who couldn’t save a roll of nickles if they were taped inside your anus.  And now you think you’re going to click your heels together and Obama is going to wave a wand and wipe away your debt?   Good luck, that guy isn’t even an American citizen.  It’s all laughable, almost as laughable as the fact that you went to a public school.   I hope those sluts were worth it.  Why don’t you set your sights a little lower and

Biggest mistake this guy made is on his finger.

Get rid of your credit cards.  Sure, this isn’t going to cure cancer but it will help stop the bleeding.  Besides, everything fun and essential can be bought with cash.  Need some gummy worms and ice cream for those munchies?  Buy them with cash at the 711.  Need to pick up an 8 ball of blow?  Pay your dealer with cash.  Think about what credit cards do for you!  They get you into trouble; overcharging, maxing out, taking out new cards and overextending yourself, etc.  Now think what cash does for you.  You can bribe someone in any country without even speaking the language.  Cash is virtually untraceable, accepted by the sex industry and recognized world wide.  Cash is king, baby.  You might still be filing for bankruptcy but the IRS won’t know how much you got under your mattress.  All that stuffing might be exhausting but you still need to…

4) Go on a Diet.  Oh please, really?  You’ve been fat for 35 years and you think now you’re going to lose that gut?  Unlikely.  In fact, I’d be willing to bet right now you’re either eating a jelly donut or touching yourself while you read this.  I’m doing both and it’s wrecking havoc on my typing skills.  Jelly is everywhere.   Anyway, I’m willing to bet that Santa brought you some lame Apple iPud fuel band this year instead of a healthy dose of willpower; you know, that little something you need to actually do something besides download apps telling you how many hours you jerked your wrist and sat on your ass.  My record is 14 consecutive hours.  (Didn’t lose a single pound, lost a couple ounces though).   Well news flash, there is no app that will turn your ginormous ass into something anyone wants to crawl into.  No, that will take exercise and dedication and a bunch of other shit you can’t do and can’t buy and won’t find in the bottom of that box of Frosted Cocoa Mini Dongs you just finished.  So don’t bother setting yourself up for failure, instead ..

Might I suggest a ‘final solution’?

Kill yourself.  Honestly, I’m running out of things that you will achieve.  This one is a very measurable, easy to accomplish, solution. It’s also very permanent.  Frankly though, how long do you really want to be fat?


Advice for End of the World

Watch out. It’s coming.

It’s the end of the world.  IT’S THE END OF THE FUCKING WORLD!

Tomorrow.

Shit, I hope we figured out how to clone James Bond by then, because we’re going to need, like, 7 of him to save us. (4 of Sean Connery and 3 of Daniel Craig versions.  Fuck Pierce Brosnan).

But fear not my friends and fellow interwebbers, despite the impending apocalyptic-holocaustic-analprobing-doomsday we’re about encounter, help is not out of reach.  Not yet.  Help is here, here like those last two squares of toilet paper after you just shit out a gallon of baby food – it’s here, it’s just up to you to make the most of it.

And unlike those snake oil selling douche bags  that convinced you buy to generators and canned peas during the year 2000 meltdown, I will not suggest anything nearly as stupid.   Instead I humbly bestow upon you 3 pieces of advice taken straight from the pages of God himself.

1) Download and SAVE some Porn.

The internet will likely be the first thing that spontaneously combusts tomorrow, along with Wall Street and your blender.  And when it happens you don’t want to be one of those assholes who falls to his knees like the prom queen when your 4G evaporates mid-tweet.  Don’t be that guy.  Because if you’re that guy, than you got bigger problems besides telling a world of idiots that your shoelaces remind you of spaghetti.  Like this mother fucker.

Twitter - Search - shoelaces spaghetti

What’s your bigger problem?  Well, not only are you shit outta luck about your tweet feed, now you’re shit outta luck about your twat feed.  That’s why it’s recommended you buy an external hard drive as soon as yesterday, and immediately begin downloading porn. That’s spelled P-O-R-N with a capital Pussy. Lots of it.  Minimum 1 TB.  And don’t stick to just your favorites.  Get weird.  You need to remember that it’s the end of the world and no one knows what will save them or help them feel safe amidst the madness.  Maybe the “you of today” likes to play it safe with your typical blonde lesbians and occasional Bang Bros episode  but the “you post Armageddon” is going to need some of that hot girl-on-zebra and extreme midget orgy shit.  Don’t underestimate the post-tramatic stress that will rage on your dick.  You’ll thank me later.  Of course if you have a girlfriend or some other wiener cushion you could just keep her safe and use, er, love, her in a sexually demanding and aggressive way.  It’s the end of the world afterall.

Like this. Get lots of this.

2)  Food.

Yah, you’ll need to eat. But don’t waste your time stocking up on SPAM, there will be plenty of dead bodies that taste like SPAM if you really want.  You need to fill your shelves with the good shit that they’ll stop making once all the workers evaporate in the flames of the anti-Christ.  Things like Pop-Tarts, ketchup and those seasoning packets inside of Top Ramen.  That’s a fucking Bear Grylls Survivorman breakfast right there.  You think Keebler and his fruity elves are going to survive the impending shitstorm in that tinder box tree fort just to keep making you little pieces of snack heaven?  Don’t count on it champ.   Locate the nearest Super-Duper-Pooper-WalMart immediately and begin purchasing everything in aisles 17 and 23.  And avoid the other patrons. That goes for any trip you make there.

I said Pop-Tarts! Don’t waste your time with Strudels. That kind of shit will get you killed.

3) Buy some condoms.

Look, this might seem silly or even like a pathetic plug for our company but it’s sound advice.  Male or female alike, you’re about to enter the end of the world, it will be a dark and unsavory place filled with similar people.  Money will be worthless and strength and muscle will prevail over brains.  Think a hillbilly with an AK-47 is going to give a damn what that bow tie wearing economist who couldn’t bench press a pickle has to say?  No.  He’ll shoot the economist and rape his wife.  It will be pure anarchy.  All you can hope for is a little common sense in the process.

ENTER THE CONDOMS.

You see, just because there will be volcanoes and other tragic shit happening, doesn’t mean we can’t all remember to wear a rubber.  Just imagine you and your gang of woodland thieves happens upon a domicile infested with large breasted lust mongers?  Well obviously you’re gonna bang.  No sense in risking an STD though.  Last thing you want at the end of the world is an itchy dick.  That would suck.

Think this looks bad? That’s how your dick will feel if you don’t wear a rubber.           Wrap it up bro.

While you’re at it, but yourself a condom subscription.  Get one here.

Barack Obama on Reddit

Either reading last minute emails or browsing Redtube for some ebony DP.

So I got word that our president, BO, sat down for half an hour today to do an AMA on Reddit this afternoon.  What’s an AMA you ask?  Well, at first I thought it was some sort of sexual abbreviation like, Anal-Mouth-Anal or something like that.  Turns out a) that was NOT what he was doing and b) that would have been more awesome.  No, AMA stands for “Ask Me Anything” which is more or less what happens when you mix a few beers and painkillers.  Doubt me?  Try it.

By the way, why does it look like our POTUS is in some side room broom closet with an IKEA lamp?  Where’s the leather swivel chair, big mahogany desk and for fuck’s sake, the presidential seal?    Also, since when is he left handed?  No way I’m voting for a lefty next term.

Anyway, I’m all for presidential interwebbing and social-political connectivity and other fake words, but what did this stunt accomplish exactly?  Sure, I got to read some political rhetoric while I waited for Mean Girls to download.

Frankly, most of the answers looked like they were prewritten, prerecorded premeditated presidential pre-cum.  Not to mention, might I add, the questions he answered looked like some deliberate soft balls, lobbed in there to give POTUS some easy points.  The dude is El Presidente, the least we could have done was asked some legitimate questions.

Here are some questions others asked that POTUS didn’t answer but I’ve filled in what he would have said:

Q: What’s your favorite flavor of toothpaste?

A: Aquafresh, but only the middle strip.

Q: If you and Joe Biden played 1 on 1, who’d win.

A: I’d f***ing crush him.

Q: Toilet paper, facing out or facing in?

A: I haven’t wiped my own ass for four years.  I hired Clinton to do that for me.

Q: “Star Wars or Star Trek?”

A: It’s rumored that all presidents receive an honorary light saber upon inauguration.  In fact, young G.W. Bush used to borrow his George Sr.’s for party tricks and/or cut up lines of coke.

Seriously, Star Wars. And you f’ing doubted me?

Here’s a summary of the questions and answers as I understood them:

Q: I am a recent law grad, with no job, no future and lots of debt.  How are you going to help me and other broke-ass students?

A: Uhhhhh…. That’s a bummer deal man.

Q: What was your most difficult decisions this term?

A: Whether or not I should let Joe Biden continue  breathing.  That and finally declaring my favorite M&M.  I like the green ones, they make me horny.

Q: What is the first thing you’ll do on Nov 7th, win or lose?

A: Have sex with the new first lady.  I figure being a [ex]president, I could hook that up.

Q: What are you going to do to help small businesses in 2013 and 2014.

A: Small what?  We still have those?

Q: Are you going to increase funding for the space program?

A:  You know, sometimes after a long day I like to come home, roll a spliff and stare up at the stars.  I sit out on the lawn just gazing away, listening to some Pink Floyd and taking it all in; wondering what’s out there.  But when it comes to NASA I usually say puff….puff…paaaassss.

Mars? You got a mars bar bro?

 


News Recap : Pee Wee fatty, 3D meat and Shark Week

This shirt has nothing to do with my article. Except it’s awesome.

What’s up America.  Thought I’d give a recap some news with you.  These are by far, the biggest stories.   Seriously, Iraq could drop the N Bomb all over the world and you’d still be hearing about these things first.  And for the record I was talking about the neutron bomb…

OK, we’ll start it out with the case of the 300 lb kid who isn’t allowed to play Pee Wee Football. Here are the facts.  The kid, Elijah, is 12 years old and weighs 300 lbs and the Pee Wee league has a rule limiting players to be under 135 lbs.  Damn Elijah, looks like you barely missed the cutoff.  Shit.  Maybe you should try P90X and then come back.  Or wait, maybe you should enter the NFL draft and quit crying.

Is this even open to discussion?  No shit he shouldn’t be playing Pee Wee Football.  For starters, it’s called Pee Wee for a reason, and any player whose dick is literally bigger than another player shouldn’t be allowed to compete.  Anyone else remember when they were 12?  I do, I weighed 80 pounds.  No way in hell I’d have played football with Elijah.  Would you let your son get tackled by Brian Urlacher?  No, I didn’t think so; not to mention Urlacher is 40 lbs lighter than Elijah.  On the other hand, Jenny McCarthy’s vagina has been tackled by Brian and she seems to be holding up well (for someone who’s almost 40).  Meanwhile, Elijah’s mom says he is the one coming home crying.  Hey Elijah, man the fuck up.   Clearly your balls haven’t grown as big as your gut.  Suit up, eat that bucket of cheeseburgers and go play with the “big” JV team. 

“Hey Elijah. This is what you’re missing biotch”

 

I came upon an article about some asshole trying to create 3D printed meat.  Apparently, billionaire Peter Thiel feels the environmental impact of raising cattle is far too great and we should switch to 3D meat.  (You may recall that I wrote about 3D foods earlier so I’m basically an expert on the topic). What is with the super wealthy trying to solve the common man’s problem?  It’s like they’re all in a club together and each week they get together to drink malt liquor and play truth or dare.  I can see it now…

Gates : “Hey Branson.  Branson!  Damn you and your beautiful hair. I say dear boy,  I bet you can’t take a shit  on the moon.”

Branson “Did that last week.”

Gates : “Hmph. You’ve bested me again dear chap”  (in my world Gates is British, it’s easier to hate him that way)

Buffet : “I’ve got one.  Let’s print meat and get the peasants to eat it”

Thiel : “You don’t think they’re that stupid do you?”

Gates : “They still use Windows don’t they?”

All : “Hahahah”

Hey rich guys, you worried about cow farts?  How about you feed the cows your money and shut up.  Wanna invent some new 3D printing?  How about reprinting your stacks o’ cash or streamlining those fleshlights.   Tell you what though, if you’ll be willing to print and eat a steak every day then I’ll give it a try.  Just put me in your will before you cut off a piece.  Fucking ridiculous.

Side note : My favorite line in the article was “its short-term goal is to create a slab of meat that’s one inch long.” I guess its long-term goal would to get an average, er, full sized, 5.5 inch slab of meat.

I printed this from a cow’s ass.

 

It’s Shark Week again this week.  Sharks are awesome and all but do we need a week for them, every year?  Or at least do we have to see the same type of stories / footage replayed each year.  I’m saying let’s change it up a bit.  I don’t fucking care about the surfer who had his leg bitten. Boring. I’ve had worse nights drinking with some Russians.  Then again, did the shark bite off his penis?  Then maybe we got a story.  Did a shark try and rape a human?  Maybe it’s not possible but I bet you’d get more viewers.  Hell, I’d DVR that episode.

I think they should make a new segment called Man vs Shark where a dude (I suggest a current inmate) goes all Bear Grylis and dives into a pool with only a snorkel mask and a sharpened toothbrush; fighting against a great white.  3 rounds of 2:00 minutes.  If the man survives he goes free, regardless of his crime.

Shark blowjobs suck. Nothing but teeth.


The Olympics – Minor Observations

This is why I watch the Olympics

So are we enjoying the Olympics everyone?  Getting your fill on Gold medals, heart warming stories and foreigners crowding your TV?  Are you still content watching people do things “once every four years” that you could go watch any day at a circus?  OK OK, I don’t mean to hate, I’m loving the Red White and Blue dominance.  I’m loving my McDonald’s game pieces that are betting on the Olympic athletes while making me fat.  It’s all great.  But there are a few things to discuss:

1)        Swimming i.e. Phelps / Lochte – I started with these two guys because the internet is crawling with shit about them and I figured it might help me show up in a Google search if I wrote about them.

A) Swimming seems cool until you realize we live on land.  At which point you realize it’s a waste of time and wonder why we have so many swimming events.  B)  They are both douche bags but I would be proud to bang either of them. So would you. They’re f***ing Gold Medal Olympians.  C) For Phelps –  You’re not the greatest athlete ever.  You are, I will admit, the most decorated swimmer ever.  For whatever that’s worth.  I suppose  unless Kevin Costner and his evil Waterworld buddies show up again your “skill” is pretty much useless.  At least you haven’t let it go to your head.  D)  For Lochte – Rumor has it that you’re gay.  I may or may not have started that rumor.  E) I propose one more swimming event “Phelps 40 Hands”.  Rules should be pretty obvious.  First one to finish both 40’s wins.  Drowning is automatic DQ.  Peeing in the pool +1 min penalty.

Come on, you know you would. Nobody’s that straight.

2)  Coaching – Alright, I’ve got no problem with coaches.  I understand they play a vital role with training and that kind of shit.  Clearly, every nation’s girls gymnastics team needs an overweight, gold chain wearing coach to rub their backs and “spot” them.  And yes, I call it the girl’s gymnastics team because the average age of all the “women” on the gymnastics teams in the 2012 Summer Olympics is 14.    Anyway, I’m fine with those guys.  I’m just wondering how these guys are getting jobs as head coaches of these new sports like Trampoline.  How exactly do we have veteran coaches for a sport that didn’t exist until 2004?  Again, no offense to the coach, I’m just looking out for the athletes here.

I’ve got an idea for a new trampoline event, one that would actually gauge skill and be fun to watch. I picture it something of a cross between current trampoline and original Mario world.  You still jump and twirl and shit but you make your away around a big circle and other guys dressed up like flying turtles and mushrooms pop up and throw actual fireballs at you.   Could be fun to watch.  Probably painful to lose.  Whatever, it’s not like these athlete’s day jobs at Home Depot is much to look forward to going back to anyway.

Basically every girl’s gymnastic coach

3)        Coverage / Bob Costas  –  Apparently everyone has been giving NBC a hard time for their coverage of the Olympics this year.  I haven’t noticed, but then again I’m only interested in women’s beach volleyball and I got that shit DVR’d ( is that a verb yet?).  But with the door of public animosity open, I’ll take the opportunity to deride them and their own Benjamin Button, Mr. Bob Costas.  Seriously, I did a Google image search and in every single image Costas looks the same age – as if he’s been in his mid-30’s his entire life.  Like he popped out of his mother’s pee-hole as a nearly life-size man holding a microphone and interviewing her vagina on its performance.  Not to mention he is never mad.  Which is just as strange.  You’d think if you spent 40 years in front of the camera there would a video / photo of you losing your shit like O’Reilly.  (For the record Costas is 60 years old).  Whatever, the dude makes billions of dollars, has a hot (ish) wife and talks to every athlete in the world.  Which is strange because he looks like a big NAF.

“Fucking right, Donkey!”

Alright, that’s all I got about these games.  It’s been a pleasure.  I gotta go practice my “Bolting” now.


Denny’s offers new competition. Nanerpus not included.

Denny’s – Seriously, bring back the Nanerpus.

Social media is not just for mobile developers and unemployed hipsters.   It’s for Grand Slams.  And no I’m not talking about some boring, weak ass sport like golf.  Or baseball.  I’m talking about “All I’ve got is $.99 and somehow I can buy pancakes, bacon, sausage, eggs and diarrhea” Grand Slams.  That’s right, Denny’s.  A restaurant that makes me proud to be an American.   Borderline illegal and definitely dangerous, Denny’s is the king of hangover cures and pancakes so bad African children refuse them.  But that has not stopped it from joining the social media orgy and creating its own mobile app.   Personally, I would have thought maybe it could spend some more time improving the recipes on its Value Menu. As a word of advice, I’d recommend sidestepping the $4 All You Can Eat Pancakes and instead invest that money into some Ipecac.  Same effect without all that maple syrup.

Anyway, the app is pretty awesome in the fact that if you turn it on anywhere, pour syrup on your phone and then eat it; it will taste just like you’re at Denny’s.  No really, I’m serious. Not only that but the app also allows you to check in and chat with fellow biscuit and gravy loving patrons about how awesome your scrambled eggs were and post photos of how your pancake came out looking like Snooki’s ass.

The app however was just beginning, as Denny’s has just announced the 50 State Challenge, a competition that has been described as “basically the Amazing Race except no cameras and a bunch of shitty pancakes”.  The deal is the first person (or hapless team of 3) to check in to a Denny’s in every single state (fuck off Puerto Rico) wins free Grand Slams for life.   Did you read that?  Free Grand Slams.  For Life.   Forget playing Powerball and your day job and take a road trip of awesome.  You control your destiny.  Actually that second mention about day jobs is probably irrelevant since if you’re willing to embark as the Zelda of Hotcakes, then your day job probably only involves collecting food stamps (obviously accepted at Denny’s).

I just feel bad for all those wife-beater wearing, child-beating friendly, residents in America’s rural trailer parks that would absolutely demolish this challenge in48 hours.  They just don’t have an iPhone.  Or any teeth to chew on that bacon.

Good luck and don’t forget to pack some Mylanta.


Mitt Romney – He’s a real G(OP)

You must be this tall to ride Romney

Word has it that presidential wannabe Mitt “I’m really only a blue collar guy when I wear my blue Polo” Romney has clinched the Republican nomination by now amassing more than the  1,144 necessary delegates.   Romney said he felt “humbled” as he was seen climbing into his helicopter later that day. Today surely is a day like most others.

Now, this blog had avoided politics and its contenders but I felt as though The Romster, being the first Mormon and all to clinch the GOP primary was, you know, a bid deal, since this will probably be his last victory.  And as a fellow Mormon I could relate when Mitt was heard saying that his “[wife] drives a couple of Cadillacs.”  The story is nearly the same for me, except at my home, it is my wives that share a Hyundai.

But of all the presidential candidates in history that I pay no attention, Mitt Romoney is definitely the most relatable, average, ordinary guy out there on the stump.  Why, it wasn’t that long ago he commiserated with my ilk as he explained he too “is unemployed” and gets paid to speak but “not very much.”  I suppose when you you stack $375,000 on top of $200 million it does look like pennies.

He keeps solid, normal friends by which to polotik with on the trail, like Donald Trump and Donald Trump’s hair (a separate, legal entity).  Trump and Hair ™ claim to have raised something like 3 trazillion dollars in campaign funds.  Even now, the campaign is holding a raffle for for a “fantasy day with Trump” with tickets starting around $3 so that even the poorest of Americans will have to make the choice between buying an orange mocha frappuccino or investing in what is likely no one’s fantasy.  I personally have bought 400 tickets in hopes that when I win the day will include a tour of the Trump tour, visiting the set of The Apprentice and then banging Melania.  Otherwise, the way I see it, if I wanted to spend 24 hours with a pretentious GOP dickhole I could save my $3, buy a happy meal and trade that for a day with Limbaugh.  At least then we’d probably get high together.

Unfortunately the celebration for being the latest Grand Old Poon was short lived as later that day Romney’s crack team of social media gaffes released his own iPhone app to approximately 48 anxious users.  43 of them would later admit it was downloaded on accident thinking they had instead bought the latest Fart App.  Apparently Romney’s app allows you take a picture of yourself and then add one of Mitt’s custom phrases like “I’m with Mitt”, “Mitt’s the Shit” or “Mitt and Corporations are people.  And they are both my friends” banners to the photo, upload it to Facebook and receive 0 Likes.  The problem that emerged was that it misspells America, electing instead to write Amercia.   God damn it Mitt; just when I thought you and I had something in common you go and make yourself look like a complete idiot.  Well alright, maybe we’re not that far apart afterall.

♪ Amercia, fuck yeah.  ♫  Saving the world, every day. ♪


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