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Tag Archives: sex
Interview with a Penis : An Infographic
Condoms or Babies : An Infographic
We gladly present our first infographic outlining the humorous and very, very serious reasons a man should wrap it up. The facts presented below are just that, facts. You won’t need to Google anything, it’s accurate.
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Top 5 Christmas Gift Ideas for Men (dirty)
“It doesn’t sound like a blowjob”
Ladies, there are a bunch of stupid lists out there of ideas to give your MAN for Christmas. I’ve read them all and they’re all pretty much dog shit. Does anyone need another bottle opener? A fucking scarf? Oh, it’s a custom bottle opening scarf? Well in that case, I’ll take one. Choke me with it please. Holy bleeding anus those are bad. If I get any of those I’m going to blow my brains out, but not before I beat your children. Too far? Alright, I won’t shoot myself.
This list is NON-bull shit. It’s real. Read it and get shopping.
1) Plastic Surgery – No, not for him. Your man is probably perfect, since that’s how men are. This would be for you. Go get your titties bigger or your gut shrunk or your FUPA removed. Do it, do it fast. If you get it done now the swelling should go down by Christmas.
2) A sandwich – I know this sounds simple and easy and small and that’s the point. If it’s so simple, and easy and small then give this gift EVERY DAY. What’s that saying…”a sammy a day keeps the fists at bay”?
3) A blowjob – You don’t have to buy it or wrap it or anything. Just BAM! Christmas morning put your mouth where your face is and talk to the cock. If you already go down on your man regularly consider getting him a blowjob from someone else. Like your hot friend.
4) Tickets to Vegas – What man doesn’t want to go to Sin City where he can blow his money on chicks, his mind on blow, and his wad on both. Hell yeah! Vegas Baby! Just make sure your name isn’t on the second ticket. Buzz kill.
5) A monthly condom subscription – Listen, we know your man is getting laid every month, whether or not it’s with you is none of our business. So why not give a little so he can come a lot. And just to make him feel better, buy the MAGNUMS.
I guarantee there is at least one thing on this list that EVERY MAN WANTS.
Buy your condom subscription today!!
Get one at http://mymonthlyrubbers.com
The Pill : Sell it like condoms?
I just read an article discussing the merits of allowing female birth control to be sold over the counter like condoms. Apparently, the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, or what I like to call, The School of Muff, just declared their support for this to go into effect.
Now, although the college laid out what it believes to be rational reasoning, we have taken it upon ourselves to play Devil’s Advocate and provide possible pitfalls, however unlikely they are.
birth control – gobble ’em up!
1) Addiction – We’ve seen it before; if you can pop it, snort it, or swallow it, then someone is going to abuse it. I don’t care if it gets you high or not, people are Class A Shitheads when it comes to trying to abuse drugs. Think I’m kidding? Remember your classmates who snorted Pixie Stix? Yeah, those boners will be the ones crushing up a month’s worth of baby-blockers and heating up in a spoon.
2) Men will be asked to buy it – Once something becomes Over The Counter it falls prey to the possibility that some girlfriend is going to ask her man to “just pick it up while he’s at the store”. Sounds harmless enough, but this will end in tragedy. All too often men get distracted looking at power tools and the cashiers’ tits only to grab the wrong product, returning home with medical gauze and a box of Tic Tacs instead of vagina pads and The Pill.
3) Bureaucrats – We don’t have specific numbers for you, but we expect getting this approved by the FDA will involve someone having to “go down on” some bureaucrats to get this passed. And having gotten a glimpse of the candidates this past election, we’re pretty sure that’s something we should all try to avoid.
If you need birth control and you want to STOP BABIES and AVOID STD’s then use a rubber. And there is no better way than with a condom subscription.
Join the club and protect your chub! http://mymonthlyrubbers.com
Measure B; good for business, bad for cum-shot lovers
Before I get started I want you all to know the hardest part writing this was deciding if cum shot is one word, two words or needed a hyphen. I made the mistake of trying to Google it. No clear answer, although I did get a hard on. Shit, is that one word?? Hardon? As in james hardon. Yah, my boner plays for the Rockets. And it dunks.
Anyway…
So the polls are closed, the voting is over, the dust has settled and I’m late to the feeding trough. Fuck it. The constitution says I can say what I want even if I’m late. And I want to talk about California and Measure B. And while we’re on the topic of the Constituion, quite frankly I think this new initiative infringes on our 69th Ammendment : The Right to Free Nut Busting. And by the way, California, if you want to make a new law, how about considering one that prohibits Schwarzenegger from making any more movies. Or just elect him for another term, that would be as entertaining as Expendables 2.
So this Measure B could have big implications for masturbation WORLDWIDE. I mean, if this really is as bad as they make it sound, then the $89 bazillion trillion porn industry might suddenly collapse, leaving most Masturbation Expert Natives (MEN) hazardously sporting raging boners without any suitable porn to watch since the sex studios all went out of business. And now with these raging boners and nothing to satisfy them, these MEN won’t be able to focus at work and they’ll get fired pushing the economy down into the anus of Satan and eventually everyone will be unemployed and, and and…Fuck.
That sounds bad; bad like Lindasy Lohan finding an 8-ball under her drivers seat and not pulling over first to snort it. But that is probably unlikely. Unless you’ve read all these articles on Measure B (which I haven’t) and you actually believe this will impact you. Let’s be honest, if you read any news, then you’re probably looking at free porn to begin with and you won’t notice that you no longer are getting your 2.32 minute long “facial compilations” in your Redtube stream anymore, you’re too busy checking for the latest Naughty MILF of the week.
And let me remind you, should Measure B actually materialize into something real (i.e. enforcable) than My Monthly Rubbers could stand to make billions. Just think of all those sticky ropes we could be netting with our rubbers if we signed a contract with Peter North or someone else with a bunch of jizz who normally blasts faces like fucking Hurricane Sandy. We’d be so rich. Alas, we aren’t. We need you to subscribe. Please?
Measure B : It could mean digging out our old ‘spank bank’.
Man with 30 kids asks for lower child support; probably should ask for condoms.
Who has a daddy named Desmond?
Did anyone else hear about this? I guess there’s some dude that’s been muff stuffin’ down in Tennessee and now has something like 30 kids. According to the LA Times, this extremely virile man, a one Desmond Hatchett, has set a Knoxville record. You’ve got to be fucking kidding me; this is setting a record? Does that mean there were so many other dudes with 29 kids down in Knox County that it took the Roman warrior sperm of Mr. Hatchett to make make it clear who’s the biggest fucking idiot in Tennessee?
I have to admit though, I don’t know what I’m more impressed about, the fact our record breaker found 11 women worth having sex with in Tennessee, or the fact that he’s not related to any of them. The man is a true inspiration to all of us. I never thought someone who works a minimum wage job could pull so much ass. What was I thinking; working white collar and wearing condoms. My game is weak. But enough of singing his praise, he’s clearly got enough willing mouths for that one.
I am a little curious how something of this nature happens. All that pot back in college hasn’t done much for my math skills but I think I still can handle basic arithmetic. Let’s see, add 12 idiots, subtract their clothes, divide their legs and let them multiply.
No really, a couple of kids with the first woman I understand. Sure, things fizzle and he has a couple more with a new lady. OK. Even with the third family, I might cast a wondering glance but I’m not passing any serious judgement. You can even justify a handful on some wild acid and whiskey filled weekends in your mid 20’s. But by the time he’s sausage stuffing the 8th and 9th women and having multiple kids with them, you have to ask yourself, have these women lost their fucking minds?! What the hell are they thinking, inviting this guy back like they’ve each got a punch card and they’re just one kid away from a free toaster.
And now he’s asking for help with his child support. Shit, he should be asking someone to make him flashcards, help him learn all his kids names. I mean, I do feel bad for the kids, since there’s a pretty good chance their lives will suck.
On the plus side they’re famous for a couple of days. That’s gotta be worth at least $1.49.
State of the Nation : Vaginas
Vaginas : Nature’s petri-dish
I have just come across an alarming news brief. One that may shake the very bedrock of humanity, or at the very least, our beds. As it turns out, we can longer live under the belief that [all vaginas] “are created equal”. Gone are the days when we could wantonly assume that lady tacos shared common ingredients. Now it seems, they each have their own special recipe.
Hold on, hold on. Before you freak out and start drinking bleach because the world you know has ceased to exist, allow me to be more specific. I am referring to the “vaginal microbiota” that have set up camp in a woman’s ninja boot like a group of Occupy Wall Street assholes.
Ohhhhhh, thank Christ. It’s just some vaginal microbiota. Phew.
Wait. What?
Yeah, turns out that, according to The University of Maryland, women have a “community of bacteria living in the vagina”. A community? Living? Shit, I hope they’re paying rent. Or at the very least buying the lady some dinner. I’m rarely allowed one, maybe two minutes, inside of one without having labored tirelessly; buying flowers, meeting parents and sacrificing goats. And these microbial douche bags have the audacity to take up residence like some entitled twat-squatters?
Excuse for the moment what this means for women, I mean, the whole ‘my vagina is as individual as a snowflake’ scientific discovery. Honestly, I’m thrilled for all women and I hope Hallmark has a card for this. Maybe they could tie it in with mother’s day. “Happy Mother’s Day – Your vagina is like, one in a billion ” It’s just that my excitement is hiding somewhere below the puke about to burst forth like that little girl in The Exorcist.
I’m a bit curious about what’s been accompanying, shall I say, all those snowflakes that have melted on my tongue. Suddenly eating yellow snow doesn’t sound so bad. I had no idea I had been consuming what can only be by this time, roughly 30 trillion pieces of bacteria. Ugh. I’m no doctor, but medically speaking, it sounds pretty freaking gross to know I’ve orally encountered “groups of bacterial communities” without so much as a proper introduction.
They have even named it Lactobacillus bacteria. Lacto-what? That name makes it sound, I don’t know, like all milky and shit. But not in that good “oh I just thought of a delicious, chocolate and caramel Milky Way” way. No, more like the “I just witnessed what happens to someone who drinks a gallon of milk” sort of a way.
Bottom line, now I want a Milky Way.
This Damn World 