Top 5 Christmas Gift Ideas for Men (dirty)

“It doesn’t sound like a blowjob”

Ladies, there are a bunch of stupid lists out there of ideas to give your MAN for Christmas.  I’ve read them all and they’re all pretty much dog shit.  Does anyone need another bottle opener?  A fucking scarf?  Oh, it’s a custom bottle opening scarf?  Well in that case, I’ll take one.  Choke me with it please.  Holy bleeding anus those are bad.  If I get any of those I’m going to blow my brains out, but not before I beat your children.  Too far?  Alright, I won’t shoot myself.

This list is NON-bull shit.  It’s real.  Read it and get shopping.

1)  Plastic Surgery – No, not for him.  Your man is probably perfect, since that’s how men are.  This would be for you.  Go get your titties bigger or your gut shrunk or your FUPA removed.  Do it, do it fast.  If you get it done now the swelling should go down by Christmas.

2)  A sandwich – I know this sounds simple and easy and small and that’s the point.  If it’s so simple, and easy and small then give this gift EVERY DAY.  What’s that saying…”a sammy a day keeps the fists at bay”?

3)  A blowjob – You don’t have to buy it or wrap it or anything.  Just BAM!  Christmas morning put your mouth where your face is and talk to the cock.  If you already go down on your man regularly consider getting him a blowjob from someone else.  Like your hot friend.

4) Tickets to Vegas – What man doesn’t want to go to Sin City where he can blow  his money on chicks, his mind on blow, and his wad on both.  Hell yeah! Vegas Baby!  Just make sure your name isn’t on the second ticket.  Buzz kill.

5) A monthly condom subscription – Listen, we know your man is getting laid every month, whether or not it’s with you is none of our business.  So why not give a little so he can come a lot.   And just to make him feel better, buy the MAGNUMS.

I guarantee there is at least one thing on this list that EVERY MAN WANTS.

Buy your condom subscription today!!

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The Pill : Sell it like condoms?

I just read an article discussing the merits of allowing female birth control to be sold over the counter like condoms.  Apparently, the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, or what I like to call, The School of Muff, just declared their support for this to go into effect.

Now, although the college laid out what it believes to be rational reasoning, we have taken it upon ourselves to play Devil’s Advocate and provide possible pitfalls, however unlikely they are.

birth control – gobble ’em up!

1) Addiction –  We’ve seen it before; if you can pop it, snort it, or swallow it, then someone is going to abuse it.  I don’t care if it gets you high or not, people are Class A Shitheads when it comes to trying to abuse drugs.    Think I’m kidding?  Remember your classmates who snorted Pixie Stix?  Yeah, those boners will be the ones crushing up a month’s worth of baby-blockers and heating up in a spoon.

2) Men will be asked to buy it – Once something becomes Over The Counter it falls prey to the possibility that some girlfriend is going to ask her man to “just pick it up while he’s at the store”.  Sounds harmless enough, but this will end in tragedy.   All too often men get distracted looking at power tools and the cashiers’ tits only to grab the wrong product, returning home with medical gauze and a box of Tic Tacs instead of vagina pads and The Pill.

3)  Bureaucrats  – We don’t have specific numbers for you, but we expect getting this approved by the FDA will involve someone having to “go down on” some bureaucrats to get this passed.  And having gotten a glimpse of the candidates this past election, we’re pretty sure that’s something we should all try to avoid.

If you need birth control and you want to STOP BABIES and AVOID STD’s then use a rubber.  And there is no better way than with a condom subscription.

Join the club and protect your chub!   http://mymonthlyrubbers.com

Measure B; good for business, bad for cum-shot lovers

Before I get started I want you all to know the hardest part writing this was deciding if cum shot is one word, two words or needed a hyphen.  I made the mistake of trying to Google it.  No clear answer, although I did get a hard on.  Shit, is that one word?? Hardon?  As in james hardon.  Yah, my boner plays for the Rockets.  And it dunks.

Anyway…

So the polls are closed, the voting is over, the dust has settled and I’m late to the feeding trough.  Fuck it.  The constitution says I can say what I want even if I’m late.  And I want to talk about California and Measure B.  And while we’re on the topic of the Constituion, quite frankly I think this new initiative infringes on our 69th Ammendment : The Right to Free Nut Busting.  And by the way, California, if you want to make a new law, how about considering one that prohibits Schwarzenegger from making any more movies.   Or just elect him for another term, that would be as entertaining as Expendables 2.

So this Measure B could have big implications for masturbation WORLDWIDE.  I mean, if this really is as bad as they make it sound, then the $89 bazillion trillion porn industry might suddenly collapse, leaving most Masturbation Expert Natives (MEN) hazardously sporting raging boners without any suitable porn to watch since the sex studios all went out of business.  And now with these raging boners and nothing to satisfy them, these  MEN won’t be able to focus at work and they’ll get fired pushing the economy down into the anus of Satan and eventually everyone will be unemployed and, and and…Fuck.

That sounds bad; bad like Lindasy Lohan finding an 8-ball under her drivers seat and not pulling over first to snort it.  But that is probably unlikely.  Unless you’ve read all these articles on Measure B (which I haven’t) and you actually believe this will impact you.  Let’s be honest, if you read any news, then you’re probably looking at free porn to begin with and you won’t notice that you no longer are getting your 2.32 minute long “facial compilations” in your Redtube stream anymore, you’re too busy checking for the latest Naughty MILF of the week.

And let me remind you, should Measure B actually materialize into something real (i.e. enforcable) than My Monthly Rubbers could stand to make billions.  Just think of all those sticky ropes we could be netting with our rubbers if we signed a contract with Peter North or someone else with a bunch of jizz who normally blasts faces like fucking Hurricane Sandy.   We’d be so rich.  Alas, we aren’t.  We need you to subscribe.  Please?

Measure B : It could mean digging out our old ‘spank bank’.

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Election Night 2012: Party like you’re George W

“Mmmmm, kitty taste good.”

I’ve got election fever.  Voter diarrhea.  Politcal swampass.  Whatever you call it, I’m pumped for election night.  I’m popping Champagne and doing lines like G.W. on a bender at Yale.  Or the White House.  Tonight is bigger than if you took the Super Bowl, a U2 concert and every Harry Potter book and combined them all into one super-PACkacge of Bono-Madden-Hogwarts awesomeness.  It’s the greatest event of year.  NO dobut about it.

Yah, you’re probably thinking “Wait, how can this be better than like, THE OLYMPICS?  That was a showcase of the world.  That was truly spectacular.”  Ummmmm….Fuck the Olympics.  Who wants to watch Michael Phelps and Ryan Lochte jerk each other off in the pool anyway?  Don’t think so. Tonight is all about America, without us having to pretend to care about other countries.

Disclaimer : I would definitely party with Lochte on any night. Phelps can suck it.

Sure, I miss Palin on a night like this, with her can do attitude and intelligence of a moldy turd. I’m not sure Mitt Romney is much of a party animal; definitely nothing like his GOP predecessors.  It’s creepy, but if you hadn’t realized yet Mitt Romney can be rearranged to say Mormeny Tit.  Which pretty much says everything.  Sarah Heath Palin meanwhile can form ‘Ha Ha, Alpine Trash’.

“I blew a pirate for this hat. I’m such a rogue.”

Now they’re saying this election will be tighter than tweens twat, and what are the candidates doing on the last day?  Well, Obama was said to be shooting hoops with some homies back in Chi-town.  Even Scottie Pippen showed up to play, reportedly even picking up the president multiple times so he could ‘dunk like Jordan.’

Romeny, meanwhile was reported at a Ohio Wendy’s,  eating Frosty’s and stealing fries from fatties.  When eating someone’s fries, Mitt was heard saying he wouldn’t “double dip”, which was followed by the woman telling him he can “do anything he wants”.  You don’t have to be Dan Rather to know this woman will be voting for Romney’s greasy Bacanator.

“I am definitely not voting for this fool.”

No matter what the candidates were doing I hope you all finished your beers before you entered the polling booth.